A year ago around this time, I was in Vegas with my ex celebrating my birthday. My mind is everywhere at the moment. I didn’t think happiness would ever find me; yet here I am. I am happy. I am self aware. I am loving. I am kind. I am goofy. I am light. I am wise. I am me. Self reflection is heavy, as tomorrow will be my 34th time around the sun. Life has changed drastically over the last year. I’ve embraced my freedom, my sexuality, my prolonged dream of writing a book and overall healing. WOW. The difference in a year? Life altering is an understatement. Where I was 10 years ago, where I was 5 years ago and just a year ago? The growth? I can honestly say I’m in awe of myself. Being in your 30s is just an upgraded/elevated version of your 20s. The goal is to keep striving, living, and becoming the best version of yourself possible. Granted, I’m not too excited about my birthday… I AM incredibly grateful to see another year, stand tall in my truth, and continuously growing into who I want to be.
Sunday, May 22, 2022
Friday, February 4, 2022
Winter Blues
What does healing look like for you? I know it’s a journey, but damn! How long does it take?? I guess there’s no appropriate timeline. Right now I’m in a good space, but it’s slightly confusing. One minute I’m good, next minute I’m in my feelz. Contradictory, right? I’m legitimately on a tight rope right now tryna balance my emotions. I want someone to be happy vs terribly missing them vs saying 🖕🏽em. Ugh. I’m going back and forth in my mind about the decisions I made. I can’t necessarily be upset because I did it to myself. Like I tell everyone… when I’m in, I’M ALL IN.
I’m going to make sure my person is taken care of. I’m making sure they’re happy. Their mental health is good. And I’m definitely buying them stuff just because. Yes, I’m THAT person. But, with me doing all this… where does that leave me? I’m being taken care of too, but now how I need to. Not only that, but I’m not taking care of myself properly. I put myself on the back burner. I honestly don’t know how to balance it out. I guess I’m learning as I go.
The healing journey isn’t a joke. I’ll just be glad when I can stop thinking about them non stop. I only say that because I know that they’re not thinking about me.
The petty in me really wants everything back that I purchased. Nah like forreal, I ain’t realize how much I went crazy on gifts until I really start thinking about it. 🤦🏽♀️
Even in the midst of it, I’m not that damn petty. God didn’t make me to be miserable, bitter, or resentful. That’s why I’m probably always the bigger person. It just sucks that everything I’m working on, I don’t need to necessarily share. Until falling in love, I thought you could be friends with an ex. Which has worked out in the past. But when you love someone deeply, you can’t just turn that shit off. I had to make a conscious decision to cut all ties. Why? Too invested, it’s still fresh, and I’m still hurt. 🥺 now that definitely sucks… because I cut off my best friend. With whom I want to share all my good news with, but I can’t.
Everything is just different. Going on 5 months and it’s gotten just a smidge bit easier. I’m not looking forward to getting to know someone new. Who tf wants to figure out what your favorite color is, what show you binge watch, what kind of music you like? The answer is: NO ONE. The dating scene is trash. TRASH. The next thing I’m wondering is if I’ll be able to open my heart up again and willing to be vulnerable. Cuz baby… that vulnerability is lowkey soul crushing. I had to learn how to be soft. I had to learn how to let my guards down. I have a humongous heart and I want to love on everyone. But for the next person? It’s gonna take some time. I feel like I don’t have it in me to love someone unconditionally again. However, I know that’s not true. God working on me and I know he didn’t give me this heart and spirit for no reason. It just sucks that who I gave it to, didn’t understand the magnitude of my love. We all deserve love in any capacity we need it in. Just make sure you love yourself more than anyone could. And you know what? Sometimes it takes longer to step away from a situation or circumstance… in the end, we leave because whoever or whatever no longer services us. It’s more of a disservice.
We all make decisions. Make the decision to be unapologetic about what you need and desire. And if you don’t get it? Chuck up the peace sign. Trust and believe, it ain’t easy. But when you love yourself and you know you’re the shit? (with or without anyone telling you). We can move accordingly and go on about our lives. Life is already complicated enough. No point in being unhappy when YOU can make the executive decision to change it. In the meantime, I’m still healing. I’m learning that it’s okay to still hurt but just don’t stay in the pain. We go day by day. And as we go day by day, it gets a little easier.
Tuesday, February 1, 2022
Squidward (1/6)
I am restless as hell. My sleeping pattern is all the way off. I keep getting headaches and it feels like my body is tryna shut down on me. What in the Tom foolery is happening? My mind will not shut off. Tired, and so mf’n restless. It’s almost like a mid life crisis but in my 30s. My mind is everywhere… it is definitely chaos in my brain. You ever feel like you’re NOT normal? This is my current mood. Like… I don’t feel normal. I want my mood to be light and consistent. Even on meds… as of lately it feels like my energy and mood are just bleh. Granted it is officially winter time, I have no desire to leave the house. When I am in the house… I lay in my bed. But lately… I can’t even sleep properly. Is God tryna talk to me? Is my anxiety on an intense overdrive? POSSIBLY. It could be a mixture of everything. The growing pains I’m currently going through, makes me feel like I’m stagnant at the moment. For me it is a fine balance of being productive and resting. But then again, rest IS productive. I’m in an incredibly weird space. I don’t like it here at all. This is the time to focus on self and heal how I need to. However, I don’t know what that looks like for me. How long do you miss someone? It’s been 4 months and this delayed reaction I’m having fucking sux. Sux monkey balls. I feel every ounce in my body that misses my best friend and once my love. So then that proceeds to go onto other thoughts. Like… “will I ever be happy again?” “Will the next person treat me how my last did?” Dealing with that, loneliness, restlessness, and just constantly working mixed with sleeping isn’t conducive to my life right now. I’m all over the damn place. Idk what to do with myself. Maybe God is talking to me and really tryna get my attention like AYOOO
🗣 RELAX…. talk to me and let’s figure it out. Which actually that’s what I need to do is… pray. Even if I can’t necessarily find the words… HE knows my heart.
love. all ways. always.
The Ancestors
I remember years back talking to my grandmother about when I was born. She said I was bright eyed and bushy tailed and was looking all over the room. I just smiled as she recalled me being born. From a young age, I’ve always been different. For some reason, I have always resonated with older people. Many say that I ‘act old’. I used to be offended by it, but now I just embrace it. My mindset and demeanor isn’t what it should be. Throughout my life and even now, I take the lessons that I’ve learned from older folks and do my best to apply them to real life. Maybe it’s the stories they tell, or the constant encouragement that life ain’t so bad. I need that. I need a constant reminder that I’m doing okay in life and it could always be worse. From the new generation… I’d say anyone younger than 25, hearing their conversations are cringe worthy. At work I hear them all the time and I literally have to walk away. The arrogance, ignorance, and overall agitation that I feel. Different type of spirit is what I am. I feel like I have knowledge to pass to others. In a sense I also feel like, depending on how a person grew up… the most simple things… they may not know how to do. For example, when I got my first apartment. I didn’t really know how to grocery shop… so I was always buying junk food/pre made food. And I also thought you had a little bit more time to pay rent; until I got served with papers for being about 2 weeks late. But you live and learn as you get older. In this day making it to your next birthday is a major blessing. I’m not sure if I’m going to have children, but I definitely want to break generational curses and pass my knowledge along to anyone that’s going to listen and take heed. Life is meant to be experienced… the good, the bad, and the ugly. No one has it all figured it out and if they say they do… they’re lying. As cliché as it might sound, life is about the journey and not the destination. That was so old of me to say, but it’s facts. My daddy has always told me, “Keep on living.” With those words, I will. When I was younger I honestly thought you had to have it all figured it out by 25. Job, house, career. But now? Sheeeittttt… I’m about to be 34 and still tryna figure it out, and get it together. What life has taught me is there’s no timeline for your journey. You get there when you get there. There are many stops and detours, but at as long as we get to the destination eventually… that’s all that matters. To add to that philosophy… I also understand that God’s timing is everything as well. It’s a fine balance of appreciating what you have & what it took you to get to this point vs constantly wanting more and not appreciating what you have or where you are in the current moment. Gratitude and wisdom? It takes you more places than you realize.
Think about what all our parents and loved ones had to go through to get where they are TODAY. Some are still struggling to survive and others are thriving. To learn from your elders and take heed of their knowledge? I feel like that’s all you need. Just the comfort from an elder makes a world of difference. Could just be me, but that love, compassion, and warmth let’s me know everything will be alright. Why? Because they’ve been through way worst shit and for them to say I’m doing okay in life? That’s all the motivation I need. So if I act like an old lady with a different type of a spirit? That’s because I am and my ancestors are looking after me & guiding me in the direction that I need to go. Even if I’m participating in some hoodrat shenanigans… they tap me on my shoulder and say… “I fully support”.
Sunday, January 30, 2022
Gimme Room
Loner life. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been to myself and by myself. I’m not sure what that reason is. I do remember not having too many friends & definitely being socially awkward for the majority of my childhood up until about 10 years ago. I’ve always been quiet and shy. Never said what was on my mind until I got in my 30s. I often wish I would’ve stood up for myself more. But, it’s cool. Because now I’m at the age that I am… idgaf and I’ll just wish you a blessed/prosperous life, and go about my way. 🤷🏽♀️ what’s crazy is… I think my loner and introvert ways are partially because I was a latch key kid.
When your mom has to work and doesn’t have a baby sitter? The protocol is: don’t answer the door, call me at work if it’s an emergency, and there’s food in the fridge. And when I come home yo chores better be done or you’re on punishment. It was really easy to follow the protocol. But in hindsight, that’s probably a reason why I have severe anxiety now. I’ve always had a worried/stressed nature about myself. Lol. Waiting for your parent to get home, you’re by yourself, and it’s dark as hell outside? My inner child is cringing at the thought..
As an adult, I’ve tapped into the latch key kid theory. I don’t deal with a lot of ppl. I don’t answer the door unless invited. I choose who and what is allowed in my space. Growing up, my sister always had me as her tagalong. My mama made sure of it. Being 8 years older than me had it’s perks. But once she became 21+, it was a wrap. She was out here doing hoodrat shenanigans, while I was tryna figure out how to be a socially awkward teenager. Once she left the house, my mom was always at work and my grandma at home watching her stories… all I had was loneliness, SpongeBob and 106 & Park. (Real ones know 🤞🏽). In hindsight and without being in therapy, I’ve realized that part of my life has affected me.
I’m so used to being alone, that it’s crazy. So for me to wanna kick it with you, your energy has to make me wanna be around you: BECAUSE my peace is everything. It’s probably the reason that I get easily annoyed when I do get visitors. In my mind: I’m thinking, damn when are you going home? 😒🥴😂 I’d rather be alone in peace than be surrounded by constant chaos and drama. It has also affected my relationships as well. I have to really like/love you to be in my space, especially a long time if it’s a long time.
Constant time by yourself lowkey makes you a “no none sense” type of individual. You’re ready to tell a mofo how you feel and how they got you fucked up. You know why? Because you don’t need them! You’re good by your damn self. But then again, it’s lonely sometimes. However, you got options baby!
For the bulk of my adulthood, I didn’t understand folks that constantly had to be in someone’s face or always have someone around them. Then it dawned on me… everyone is different. I can go out to eat, go to the movies, a concert or just chill at home by my damn self.
Idk anything else other than my introvert ways. That’s possibly because there hasn’t been alotta folks that have constantly been around me. In my life, yes. But in my personal space, no.
If I miss you or you’re on my mind super heavy… I have no problem pulling up vice versus. Especially now that everything is so crazy. I don’t get to see people or spend time. I blame it on the pandemic, being an introvert, and working all the time.
I wouldn’t say that alone time is necessarily a bad thing. For me, it works. It works for my peace of mind, sanity, and all the things that come with life, while you’re tryna find yourself. S/o to all the latch key kids! Let us remember how the 90s were poppin and we are officially getting old.
Friday, January 21, 2022
Tell It All
When we’re children, we have all type of dreams. Sometimes our dreams stay the same and sometimes they change. Or maybe your parents are trying to live thru you and they push their dreams onto you. Either way it goes, things change. When I was like 8 or 9, I got my first journal for Christmas, which was low key life changing. In middle school I figured out that I liked to write and enjoy creative things. I thought that I wanted to be a director, producer, or be in some type of field of journalism. In high school it was on and poppin! That’s when I was getting the composition notebooks and started writing poetry. I would occasionally share with friends, and think that it was so deep. 😂 but in reality, I wasn’t talking about anything. Eventually I stopped writing because I felt like my stuff was whack. I went onto experiment in different industries of work. I’ve literally done a little bit of everything. But, at the end of the day I’ve always had a passion for English. I once took an Etymology class and it was one of the best things I’ve ever done. I love using big words, especially when I want to prove a point or sound super smart. Lol. When I was younger I always felt misunderstood. It was like no one cared what I had to say. Or I didn’t have enough courage to speak up for myself. Writing is everything to me. You can take what you want from my words. Hopefully the person reading my work will be able to relate. It makes me feel free. Because I suffer from anxiety/depression… my mind is constantly on a hamster wheel and my thoughts just keep going around and around. It’s quite maddening and frustrating. When that happens, I choose to write. I saw this quote on Twitter that said, “Write for your life.” And it couldn’t of been said better. Writing has saved my life on many occasions. When I was in college, one of my mentors asked me when I was going to start writing again. I said I don’t have anything to say. She told me, “you always have something to say. You’re a writer and it’s always going to be in you.” She was absolutely correct. When someone reads my work and can relate? Omg… my heart explodes and makes me feel so good. Writing is cathartic, as well as my therapy. Even if no one else reads my work, I’m cool with that. I do it for me. At the end of the day I know my weapon, which is my pen. And once I write my thoughts down? I’m lethal.
love. all ways. always.
