Whodini

“Frenz? How many us of have them? Frenz? The one we can depend on.” And yes, I’m quoting Whodini lyrics. Lol. Man, it’s been long ass night/morning. I hate it when it’s slow motion at work, it makes the time DRAG by. Anyway. I’ve been thinking a lot about my friendships lately. One thing about me… my circle is small and I like it that way. I have a handful of friends that I really fuck with. So needless to say, I go UP and I show out. I really wish more people would show up for the ones they care about. I definitely do wayyy too much, but idk any other way. I just feel like, if you love someone and you KNOW for a fact that they’re loyal to the soil…

Why wouldn’t you want to go above and beyond? I’m not speaking just about monetary or things that are tangible. But moreso emotional, mental, and spiritual support. Granted, I am not always in the space to support them how I need to, but I damn sure do my best. Like, I really love my friends. I mean, I love them for who they are and what they represent in my life. My family are my friends. The dysfunction and chaos that I have to deal with my family? My friends do more than take up space. We get on each other’s nerves, occasionally and curse each other out… but the love? That’s so genuine and my actions prove it.

Being an empath… is hard. So when my friends go thru sum’n, so do I. I feel all of that energy, and it hurts. It hurts to know that my friend(s) are going through it; ESPECIALLY when I can do anything about it. But, it’s life. All I can continue to do is pray for them and hope they have some type of peace. I’ve always done by best to rest those how I want to be treated, and for the most part it’s worked out. Luckily for me, I learned years ago that just because you do right by people, that doesn’t mean that they’re going to do right by you. Feel me? Sometimes that’s a hard lesson to learn. But, that’s why I said my circle is small. Anything that I do is because I wanna see you happy/brighten your day or simply a ‘just because’ text to let you know I love you. That’s me. 

I just wish that people would love on each more. It’s so much fuckery going on in the world. I don’t want any hate, ill will, or negativity in my heart or towards anyone. Who has that type of time? Life is short. I want anyone I care about to WIN. 

It’s weird tho… because when I typically go thru sum’n, so does someone I’m close to. This is just a reminder, that even if you’re going through it. You’re not alone. I hope you hear my positive thoughts and prayers, and know that I have hug waiting for you. Life is tough enough… but just know I got you for as long as I have breath in my body. 

love. all ways. always.

Ainee’, Sha, Danielle, Morgan, Chyna, Bridgette, Dawn, DJ, Thomas, Cedric, Harold, and Mawa.

This is for y’all. 

516

Functioning. It is crazy to me how life goes on while you’re internally going thru turmoil. The world is just passing you by, while you want to just disappear. I’ve always believed I am different. In every sense in the word. I’ve always felt different and moved different. Different, how? I’m not sure. As I got older I realized I was an outcast and I always wanted to be left alone, because I felt like no one understood me. I just wanted to get away from everything… even in high school. Years later it was brought to my attention that it’s called depression. And with that, I’ve always been worried and tend to overthink A LOT, which in fact is anxiety. Realistically, I’ve been dealing with these issues my whole life. They’re just weren’t talked about or made of importance until about 8-10 years ago.

The fact that I’ve been FUNCTIONING for YEARS on end is amazing. I’ve always suppressed my feelings of inadequacy, doubt, rejection, and feeling unloved. Dealing with all of this and being in survival mode is enough to take anyone past their lowest point. But, it is ongoing. It is literally….  LITERALLY a spiritual/emotional/mental warfare inside of me. How is it that I know what God says & what HE has done for me, but I’m still having thoughts of death? That is so unbelievably selfish of me. It’s a fine line. God knows there’s a reason why I’m on this earth. I’m not sure what it is, but I pray HE reveals it to me sooner than later. Every 3-6 months I go thru this phase where I doubt everything; and it feels like I’m constantly asking myself what’s my point in being here? 

Last night while I was headed to work… I was fighting back tears. I kept having really negative thoughts. Once I got on the highway I literally had to keep saying, “Devil get up offa me.” I knew that’s who it is. It feels like a spiral… like a tornado of toxic ass emotions, numbness, and wanting to die. This shit ain’t normal. Unfortunately, it is my reality. And some days are better than others. Constantly having to work thru your shit is so draining and painful….. BUTTTTTT… gotta keep working. The goal is to NOT let the devil win, heal, strengthen your faith, and keep working on YOU. 

Even though I am super sweet, genuine, cool, laidback, and chill? I’m suffering and it ain’t all peaches and cream. However, I’m pushing though despite how I currently feel. Also know… functioning is HARD.

*if you read this,  please send a prayer up for ya girl. 🙏🏽

love. all ways. always.

Low & behold

I hate it when people say calm down and don’t overthink! How? HOW? questions that need answers. Today I realized that overthinking is definitely a form of self sabotage. And I do not know how to turn this off. Cuz once it starts, ain’t no going back. It’s scary. My mind constantly racing, as well as my heart. That happens and the most drastic decision happens, based on the situation going on. For me there is no gray area. Strictly black and white. There is no alternative or no ‘meeting halfway’ or compromise. My therapist told me once to entertain the gray. I did and it wasn’t too bad. But now I’m back to square one and it sux. At the moment I’m not sure how to confirm if it’s God’s voice or my ability to self sabotage. I honestly don’t know how to differentiate the two. My OG told me to pray about until God reveals what to do next. BUTTTTT, I don’t have the words to say. It’s extremely weird being in this place. I’m all for growth but this shit hurts. Growth… ( if you’re up for the challenge), is a doozy. So many things I’m learning & unlearning, unpacking my baggage while simultaneously being in a relationship. I legitimately feel crazy. Crazy because it seems like almost every two weeks, I’m in my thoughts or box o feelz. While fighting through not shutting down…. maybe God is tryna tell me sum’n. I am all over the place. But, I’m beginning to think I’m the problem. What I often feel seems/sounds valid, until I say it aloud or vent to someone. Then overthinking comes into play. Yes, you can tell me all day long to calm down or say, “It’s not that deep.” OH, but it is! Everything and I do mean EVERYTHING I feel is… INTENSE. I hate it. I hate that I can’t just let things roll off my back. I hate that after a conversation with someone, I think of all the things I said or shouldn’t say. I hate the fact that I always wonder what people think about me and it’s none of my concern. I hate the fact that I’m even writing these words at the moment. You see? So, it’s a lot… for me. Overthinking is not something I ever intended to do. It takes you towards a downward spiral that leads to even more severe anxiety and depression. Anxiety in itself is crippling, and add overthinking to the mix? Lordt have mercy. I’m doing my best to cope and take things day by day, but I can’t. My anxiety is overwhelming at the moment. I can recognize & acknowledge where I am in life… emotionally & mentally. I kinda feel like I’m drowning in my own misery and I’m the only person that can save me. As I’ve gotten older, I really see how your mental health can affect you. Dealing with depression, severe anxiety doesn’t define me and I’ll never let it. However, it’s definitely plays a major role in my life on the daily. I’m not claiming anything negative, letting the Devil have his way, or putting it into the universe. I’m stating FACTS. Despite me currently feeling like this… I am really proud of myself. Granted I’m still working on myself a lot, I’ve come a long way… and still a long way to go. I can’t wait to get my ass back in therapy. Hopefully REALLY REALLY soon. It helped me work out some issues within myself and other people. It’s that time again. I know what I deserve. And I know it starts with me. I know I can’t receive my blessings if I’m self sabotaging. God knows it too… that’s prolly why it’s so intense in my spirit. He be KNOWIN’. lol. I’m glad I got this off my chest. I feel just a tad bit lighter…

love. all ways. always.