PUSH

P.U.S.H.

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Pray until something happens. Life has been a worldwind of emotions the last 5-6 months. It has not been easy. Deaths, relationships, work, daily adulting, regular severe anxiety… the list goes on & on. But, I’ve persevered through it all. Almost a new month and I wanna go into October strong. I currently have peace. What’s crazy to me is… like 3 people told me I look different this morning. Almost as if I have a different type of aura. One of those ppl said it looks like the weight has been lifted off my shoulders. And that’s incredibly accurate. Granted, I’m tired because I’m still at work. BUT, I definitely have peace and I’m so very thankful. No idea how grateful. Typically when I go through something, my emotions are tying me down. I’ve been so mentally disconnected, frustrated, and just disappointed the last 3 months. So to come to work and my co-workers are telling me that I lost weight/slimmin’ down, and that I have a certain glow? Baby, that’s GOD. I literally had to PUSH through especially as of late. It is the little things. I just knew breaking up with a significant other after almost 2 years together would put me somewhere I didn’t wanna be. However, it’s the total opposite. I have peace knowing I did my best, loved as hard as could and was there to support him in any capacity. I hate that the split had to happen, but I’ve been fighting myself for way too long. So, God had been in my ear heavy and I FINALLY listened. I’m honestly happy. I’m relieved. I can go on with my life without being miserable. This lets me know everything will be alright. ❤️❤️❤️

love. all ways. always.

Cold hands, warm heart

When your best isn’t enough. What do you do? Give it to God. Or at least that what my mama said. I really be trippin’ over life…

Like one minute you’re cool and then BAM! 💥 the next minute your whole life changes in an instant. I think about my life a lot. What I mean to people, what they mean to me, my purpose, and everything I’ve been through this far. I’ve come an incredibly long way. To see my growth is amazing AND for other people to see/acknowledge my growth is amazing as well. Although these growing pains hurt, I’m in awe with myself. 

I’m staying true to my word. I know what I’m worth and I don’t want to settle. God built me different. Learning that I’m an empath makes so much more sense to me as I get older. After tapping into my vulnerability via therapy. AND being in a relationship… I’ve had to learn the sensitive spots of my heart, mind, and spirit. So with all that… I’m a sensitive hot mess mixed with empathy. I’m dealing with my own issues on top of feeling everyone else’s emotions. It’s crazy! I was today years old when I realized it. Lol. 

Imagine how heavy all of this feels on a daily basis. I’ve come to terms that solace, quietness, and sleep is how I manage. Sometimes I’ll come home and won’t turn on anything. I’ll just sit in silence or even drive in silence. Not all the time, but, it’s becoming more often and I’m okay with it. In this moment I am doing alright. However, I know some days will be better than others. I also know that healing takes time. I’ve given so much of myself away in this particular relationship and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It has just taught me that I’m able to love. And although, I’ve given alotta myself to someone… that just means that I’m ready to love even harder the next go round. I just need to make sure that it’s reciprocated how I need it to be. In the midst of my mind’s chaos, I’m still processing… Life man… it be life’n…
love. all ways. always.

Love. Live Life. Proceed. Progress

I wish I could convey into words of how I feel at the moment. I feel like no matter how much I talk about it… no one really gets it. I’ve literally been in my bubble and staying to myself lately. My OG told me to sit still and listen to God’s voice; which I’ve been doing my best to do so. I’ve been cool lately, but yesterday it hit me… probably the main reason why I didn’t get too much sleep before work. 

I haven’t been sad in awhile, but today I feel all of it, every emotion. I guess I’m sad because I know what has to be done. I don’t want to be single. I really don’t. Tbh, everyone knows it’s slim pickings outchea. I don’t wanna date and get to know someone new. No desire, at all. 🙅🏽‍♀️. I’m 33 years old with no children. Yes, the world is my oyster… however it currently doesn’t feel like that. I want a family. I want someone that’s going to return all the love I give and then some. What’s crazy to me is…, I just realized it, but, in this particular situation…. I’ve literally given all that I have. In every sense of the word. I’ve been fighting myself for awhile, but it’s time to listen to my intuition. I’m hurt. I’m sad, I’m frustrated.

To know that I wanted to spend my life with someone, and now I’m choosing to be single? It’s a weird space to be in. Extremely weird. 

Even tho my spirit is everywhere… this is the best choice at the moment. I’ve lost myself. I recognize this and I have to change it. Being self aware sometimes sux, especially when you love yourself AND others love you enough to call out the bullshit that’s happening. 

I will say that I’m proud of myself. For knowing when to walk away, especially when you know you have given all you have and then some. I’ve always been different and had a different type of heart, which is a major blessing. However, alotta people don’t know what to do with it. I love hard and I never realized it until I got in this relationship. 

At this point, I’m just tryna keep my peace and sanity without going into a downward spiral of depression. It’s hard. Really hard, especially now that I have made an executive decision.  I’m still a little unsure, but this discernment that I’ve been praying for is incredibly intense. And with that being said… if you read this, pray for your girl. These growing pains are a doozy…

love. all ways. always.

Jus Chill

An interesting time for me. A fork in the road, to say the least. I’ve tapped into my vulnerability A LOT the last 2 years. And yet, here I am struggling to make an executive decision. I guess I’m still learning how to truly listen to my intuition. It’s very difficult for me. In hindsight, I always try to do things the right way and a lot of the time it doesn’t work out. So where does that leave me? In doubt, frustration, & confusion. However, I can say at this moment… I’m processing better than what I would’ve in the past. I am aware of what’s going on. And no matter what I decide, no one is going to be happy. While exploring life and love simultaneously, I’ve learned to love/care so deeply, be more open/understanding and challenging myself emotionally. I’ve expanded boundaries and taken more accountability than ever. For a long time I didn’t think this was possible. I didn’t know think that I would ever feel love so deeply or find a companion that really GOT ME. And then, I found someone. My whole life shifted. Shifted for the better. It’s been scary but I can honestly say that I’ve been better for the journey. In the beginning I didn’t so much question a lot of things or emotions, because I was just happy. But, now? I have to question everything because… I don’t want to settle from me making someone else incredibly comfortable. That’s a joy I have. To make people happy, comfortable etc. There are little things that eventually show up in big form. My feelings feel crazy, but I know that they’re valid. This is when I have to listen to my intuition AND God’s voice. I’m sitting still and processing without the beast of overthinking/panicked.

I can’t lie and say my anxiety isn’t on overdrive but I’m handling things a lot better than I have in the past…(or at least I think I am)…

One thing I’ve learned about myself is… despite me ‘loving hard’ and wanting things to work out for themselves… I can walk away. Yes, love will be there all ways. But in this season, it’s time to get back to me… plant more seeds of self love and continue to know what I’m worth.