Amusement

I'm so amused right now. I'm getting on my mom's nerves. It's past time for me to go. I moved back to the city almost a year ago. I haven't lived or stayed with someone in almost 8 years. My relationship with my mom has been an interesting one throughout my 20s. Her and my dad did role reversal. My dad stepped up to the plate and has been the father I've need in all aspects. He's always been around but he came forefront when I was 22. He's legit my 65 year old best friend. My mom on the other hand has been in the shadows attempting to get her life together and live the best way she knows how.

With that being said, I never ask for anything from her or my other family members. Because I know even if I needed help, they're struggling on their on and wouldn't have anything to give. So, I've had the mindset of getting things done on my own...no matter how hard it is. In retrospect I think that has put a strain on our relationship. Before I moved back to the city I didn't talk to her that often. She would have somewhat of an attitude because I didn't contact her as much as I should. Or because I was struggling and didn't say anything.

Fast forward to last August, I moved in with her. It hasn't been all bad. But, it's time to go. It's not like I'm out here being reckless...partying, drinking, or being disrespectful in her house. I JUST NEED MY OWN. The fear of being kicked out or her growing tired of me plagues me daily. Of course that's my mother and she's not gonna see me on the street. I'm just hella paranoid. And after an eviction scare almost a month ago, I'm definitely ready to dip.

She doesn't let me know what's going on with her. When I ask questions, she acts like she's annoyed that I'm actually concerned with what's going on. Since the moment she told me that they were "trying" evict her...our dynamic has changed drastically. You don't tell me anything? Cool. I won't tell you anything either. Petty? Yes.

But, I'm down tryna worry about her. Nothing surprises me anymore. I love her til the end of this world but I can no longer be comfortable in this space. My peace has been threatened in many different ways. At least in my own space...I can control my energy, what I allow into my space and I know how my finances are.

Currently busting moves and doing what needs to be done for the sake of my livelihood. I love my mama. I do my best not to judge her and just let her be. But, it's easy to see why I distanced myself not only from her,I but other people as well...

Panera

It's like my sleeping pattern is all outta whack. I can sleep all day and still wake up and be tired. I guess this is what depression looks like. Some days are better than others. I hate that one day I can be okay and the next I doubt my existence just from one thing going wrong. Today I'm not sure how I feel. Currently doing laundry, cleaning up my room and attempting to lift my spirits. Going to meet up with someone later who was once heavily important to me. We speak every once in awhile. I met her when I was around 14/15. Now I'm 29. Crazy how time flies, right?

Throughtout my teenage years and early 20s, she was my mentor/big sis  She's married with a kid. A lot has changed over the years and I guess life has somewhat gotten in the way. I moved away for 4 years and I came back to the city last August. Needless to say, I don't really keep in contact with anyone anymore. I literally stay to myself and mind my business. Anyway. I got a text last night when I woke up outta my sleep. "Hey love, I've been thinking about you for the last two days and I pray all is well. When can I see you?" I responded tomorrow.

So, today we're linking up at Panera. I'm not sure how this gonna go. I hope I don't have an emotional breakdown. 😟 Ironically, I'm always everyone's "baby". Lol. So, in her eyes I hope she can see I'm no longer the teenager she met back in 2004.

I'm an adult that is currently struggling and dealing with a lot. I'm hoping she also has some time to spare and doesn't have to rush off. I just need to be loved on, even if it's momentarily. She's one of those people that I'll always admire because  whether she knows it or not; she has help mold me into the woman I am today. Even if I feel some type of way or sad because we don't talk as much as we used to...I'll always love her. ALWAYS ➡️ ALL WAYS.

Most relationships that I have maintained for many years are like that. I used to feel some type of way for the longest about why I don't talk to certain folks for an extended period of time. But, the older I get I understand that, LIFE 👏🏽 HAPPENS!

Sometimes or if not often, we go thru shit. Sometimes we don't have anything to say. Sometimes it just it what it is.

Sidenote: I should really pray today. My heart is heavy and I feel unbalanced. Unfortunately, that's almost every day for me...😢

Lemme go ahead and claim it: One day in the near future I WILL find peace again...

30 Blues

I'm back at it, like I never left!

SIKE!!!

No, but forreal...I turn 30 in a month. My mind, thoughts, spirit, and energy is everywhere. I think of everything I need to do. It's almost like I'm in a never ending cycle of dysfunction. Turning 30? I know it's a blessing. But, yoooooooo...I do not have my shit together. I'm beginning to wonder if I ever will. Literally the last 6 years, that's all I've been doing. Always working trying to make shit shake.
Clearly that's not enough tho...

The question is... how do I embrace this chapter I'm about to enter? I can't keep doing the same thing or have the same type of mind set. Is there some type of guideline or rulebook that can outline turning 30? Cuz I'm excited but also nervous...

Darkness

Sitting here in the dark. My blinds are still open. I went to the library today to apply for jobs and just to get out of the house. When I left, I planned on going to deposit some money at the bank and going to get my dad a birthday card. However, as I got closer to home I noticed one of my indicators was on in my car. An orange one to be exact. So of course in true millennial style I googled it and tried to find out what that means. Apparently something is wrong with my emissions. In that moment, I was triggered. I just replaced my car battery and 2 tires within the last month. I became sad because I'm automatically thinking the worse. I sat in the car for a minute and then trekked my way upstairs. I got in bed and have been there ever since...and that was about 2pm or so. It may not seem like a big deal but it is. I'm so tired. Emotionally and mentally exhausted. I just want to catch a break. It's a weird space to be in. I battle with depression and anxiety every day. I'm functioning, but that in itself is tiresome....

In Need of Some Insight

So...I don't even know where to begin. Here I am at the crossroads of my life. At the tender age of 20 and I am so confused. I'm currently finishing up paperwork to join the Navy. I'm just waiting to pick out a job and get a shipping date. I'm kinda nervous, but, at the same time I'm ready to start living life. I feel so ready to get up outta my daddy's house. I'm trying not to rush it because I know once the time gets here for me to leave..I won't wanna leave. Throughout this whole thing I've been doing my best to stay optimistic and have faith in God. That's a road that I am beginning to travel. And, I have no idea where to start. I am starting to pray like I should. Everday I ask for strength and guidance. I know that I need to build a relationship with God, especially before I leave and ship out for the Navy. People who I have talked to told me need to just comit and surrender myself unto HIM. I don't even know that.When I was younger, my mother made me go to church. All the time. I hated going with a passion, maybe it was because I never understood what was going on or what was said. No one ever took me aside and explained anything to me. I've attempted to read the Bible, but that was a no go. So, I just left it alone. Once I went away to college..I left it alone. Until some drama happened and I think HE was trying to bring me closer. The same thing goes for right now. Except, this is something that I want to do for me. Something I KNOW I need to do. I want to feel his unconditional love. I want to be able to hear him talk to me. I just feel sooo lost at this point and time. And, somewhat discouraged.*I'm new to this. So, any suggestions or advice would be appreciated. I just wanna do what's in his will.

Once in the Future

Been craving, longing, and yearning for that
particular type of ...???
love and affection
that I've never experienced
feening for the real, without a doubt
uncontrollable love
what is love...
besides a young mind's infatuatiopn and lust
must we...
as young girls..settle for less
not I...
do something on my level or betta
cuz I want that butta love..smooth & creamy
that spreads all ova the place
intringuing minds...
internally and externally beautiful that makes the little things the simplest
gimme that renaissance man with an interesting...
theory about the world and so much more
taking the long walks in the park
in the bookstore sitting on the floor discussing books
talk about evolving Hip Hop as the clock tick tocks...
politics..Clinton or Obama
poetry, real music...like Jill makes me wanna sing "All I" and
as I sip "Crown Royal" [on ice]...I reminisce
and think of all the ways you love me
undeniably
4 my soul
my mind
my being..you compliment me for keep'n it funky, vice versus...
you are the epitomy of a black man that I do adore
keep it moving...
as I grow and mature, so do you...by my side, I am your T.R.I.C.E.
loving and appreciate me for my kinky curls for what they are
you never tell me to get a perm because this junk is nappy
you just continue to put your hands in it and laugh at me
you kiss me on my forehead as a term of endearment, for when I am sad
make a mends of what can never be
love me for all I am
damn, I thank God for the parents who made ya and the parents who raised ya
this is only a thought in the imagination for a man...
who will one day exsist and put my loneliness to...
an end
can't wait for that day that you put your hand around my waist and we sway to say that...
we've waited for one another for eternity so that one day you'll wear my purity ring

Poetic License aka Makes Me Wonder

Have momma's raided us right?
Have daddy's abandoned us?
to make their lil girls be loved
so, they grow up fast with no...
expectations of class, morales, or standards
out the window...
dudes constantly chasing that a** to make a quick stop and
plant that seed...
when they have no intention on tending to it
or
nurturing that soon to be embryo
many older women say the ladies don't care
or don't strap up because they want a piece of what
was once inside of them...
so, they hold on strong to somebody who don't want 'em
and then get mad when the brotha get
somebody else on the side
this cycle is called, "the trap house"
girls wanna get the title "mommy" at the tender age of 16
dudes wanna be associated as the ones who getting all the [pussy]
no shame because all the girls want is the love they were once abandoned of..
so, these females lurk around
trying to fill the void
young kids lack knowledge of what they see in the media
the cars, 50 thou on the wrist and banging 10s of tons of scandolous females
don't care that HIV/Aids, and STDs are there
does our generation care
it saddens me to hear the lil kiddies cussing out their one and single parent
who are doing there best to provide their child with clothes on their back, food in the refrigeratior, and a roof over their head...
is respect and integrity not a good characterisitic now?
I find myself watching BET constantly...with the booty's and the chestess rubbing all ova the Phantom with the
iced out wrist, neck, and ears
this is what REAL hip hop has come to?
rappers speak about how they grew up in the hood and forever struggling tryna get somewhere
yes
but where is the lyrical depth and meaningfulness behind the tight beat and the decent hook?
my, my, my
I often wonder if I am the only female in the world who doesn't refer to myself or anyone else as a bitch or a hoe?
whaddup bitch?
where is the self-respect?
my mother always told me not call anyone a loser, let alone a bitch..
feel'n lost and confused
and as I become older, I too am feening for a man's love
though my daddy is here...I don't feel, connect, or identify with it.
is it lingering or lurking behind closed doors?
imagination goes crazythinking about the man I want to be in my future
and what beholds me
a woman's expectation should be so high
and thats why many guys don't fool with me
cuz I got that good junk and not giving it up to nobody
can't deal with it..then you can step
so, I suggest to these guys..to step they game up
to the home plate..
makes me wonder what's going on in these little girls mind's
we all want a man's love...
think its going to be sooooo very good
once we give ourselves up
attempting to fill that void that was empty with a baby
though I still am craving that love, yearning for that lust, and feening for that thing
got me feeling like XSCAPE, asking who can I run to?
when the main person is in front of you..
his name is G.O.D.
and he makes me wonder when will that special person come???
of course on his time
he's there to fill our emptiness and voids
and to keep our head to the sky
before we
even think about giving up that good jewel..

Makes Me Wonder...