Squidward (1/6)

I am restless as hell. My sleeping pattern is all the way off. I keep getting headaches and it feels like my body is tryna shut down on me. What in the Tom foolery is happening? My mind will not shut off. Tired, and so mf’n restless. It’s almost like a mid life crisis but in my 30s. My mind is everywhere… it is definitely chaos in my brain. You ever feel like you’re NOT normal? This is my current mood. Like… I don’t feel normal. I want my mood to be light and consistent. Even on meds… as of lately it feels like my energy and mood are just bleh. Granted it is officially winter time, I have no desire to leave the house. When I am in the house… I lay in my bed. But lately… I can’t even sleep properly. Is God tryna talk to me? Is my anxiety on an intense overdrive? POSSIBLY. It could be a mixture of everything. The growing pains I’m currently going through, makes me feel like I’m stagnant at the moment. For me it is a fine balance of being productive and resting. But then again, rest IS productive. I’m in an incredibly weird space. I don’t like it here at all. This is the time to focus on self and heal how I need to. However, I don’t know what that looks like for me. How long do you miss someone? It’s been 4 months and this delayed reaction I’m having fucking sux. Sux monkey balls. I feel every ounce in my body that misses my best friend and once my love. So then that proceeds to go onto other thoughts. Like… “will I ever be happy again?” “Will the next person treat me how my last did?” Dealing with that, loneliness, restlessness, and just constantly working mixed with sleeping isn’t conducive to my life right now. I’m all over the damn place. Idk what to do with myself. Maybe God is talking to me and really tryna get my attention like AYOOO

🗣 RELAX…. talk to me and let’s figure it out. Which actually that’s what I need to do is… pray. Even if I can’t necessarily find the words… HE knows my heart. 

love. all ways. always.

The Ancestors

I remember years back talking to my grandmother about when I was born. She said I was bright eyed and bushy tailed and was looking all over the room. I just smiled as she recalled me being born. From a young age, I’ve always been different. For some reason, I have always resonated with older people. Many say that I ‘act old’. I used to be offended by it, but now I just embrace it. My mindset and demeanor isn’t what it should be. Throughout my life and even now, I take the lessons that I’ve learned from older folks and do my best to apply them to real life. Maybe it’s the stories they tell, or the constant encouragement that life ain’t so bad. I need that. I need a constant reminder that I’m doing okay in life and it could always be worse. From the new generation… I’d say anyone younger than 25, hearing their conversations are cringe worthy. At work I hear them all the time and I literally have to walk away. The arrogance, ignorance, and overall agitation that I feel. Different type of spirit is what I am. I feel like I have knowledge to pass to others. In a sense I also feel like, depending on how a person grew up… the most simple things… they may not know how to do. For example, when I got my first apartment. I didn’t really know how to grocery shop… so I was always buying junk food/pre made food. And I also thought you had a little bit more time to pay rent; until I got served with papers for being about 2 weeks late. But you live and learn as you get older. In this day making it to your next birthday is a major blessing. I’m not sure if I’m going to have children, but I definitely want to break generational curses and pass my knowledge along to anyone that’s going to listen and take heed. Life is meant to be experienced… the good, the bad, and the ugly. No one has it all figured it out and if they say they do… they’re lying. As cliché as it might sound, life is about the journey and not the destination. That was so old of me to say, but it’s facts. My daddy has always told me, “Keep on living.” With those words, I will. When I was younger I honestly thought you had to have it all figured it out by 25. Job, house, career. But now? Sheeeittttt… I’m about to be 34 and still tryna figure it out, and get it together. What life has taught me is there’s no timeline for your journey. You get there when you get there. There are many stops and detours, but at as long as we get to the destination eventually… that’s all that matters. To add to that philosophy… I also understand that God’s timing is everything as well. It’s a fine balance of appreciating what you have & what it took you to get to this point vs constantly wanting more and not appreciating what you have or where you are in the current moment. Gratitude and wisdom? It takes you more places than you realize. 

Think about what all our parents and loved ones had to go through to get where they are TODAY. Some are still struggling to survive and others are thriving. To learn from your elders and take heed of their knowledge? I feel like that’s all you need. Just the comfort from an elder makes a world of difference. Could just be me, but that love, compassion, and warmth let’s me know everything will be alright. Why? Because they’ve been through way worst shit and for them to say I’m doing okay in life? That’s all the motivation I need. So if I act like an old lady with a different type of a spirit? That’s because I am and my ancestors are looking after me & guiding me in the direction that I need to go. Even if I’m participating in some hoodrat shenanigans… they tap me on my shoulder and say… “I fully support”.

Gimme Room

Loner life. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been to myself and by myself. I’m not sure what that reason is. I do remember not having too many friends & definitely being socially awkward for the majority of my childhood up until about 10 years ago. I’ve always been quiet and shy. Never said what was on my mind until I got in my 30s. I often wish I would’ve stood up for myself more. But, it’s cool. Because now I’m at the age that I am… idgaf and I’ll just wish you a blessed/prosperous life, and go about my way. 🤷🏽‍♀️ what’s crazy is… I think my loner and introvert ways are partially because I was a latch key kid. 

When your mom has to work and doesn’t have a baby sitter? The protocol is: don’t answer the door, call me at work if it’s an emergency, and there’s food in the fridge. And when I come home yo chores better be done or you’re on punishment. It was really easy to follow the protocol. But in hindsight, that’s probably a reason why I have severe anxiety now. I’ve always had a worried/stressed nature about myself. Lol. Waiting for your parent to get home, you’re by yourself, and it’s dark as hell outside? My  inner child is cringing at the thought.. 

As an adult, I’ve tapped into the latch key kid theory. I don’t deal with a lot of ppl. I don’t answer the door unless invited. I choose who and what is allowed in my space. Growing up, my sister always had me as her tagalong. My mama made sure of it. Being 8 years older than me had it’s perks. But once she became 21+, it was a wrap. She was out here doing hoodrat shenanigans, while I was tryna figure out how to be a socially awkward teenager. Once she left the house, my mom was always at work and my grandma at home watching her stories… all I had was loneliness, SpongeBob and 106 & Park. (Real ones know 🤞🏽). In hindsight and without being in therapy, I’ve realized that part of my life has affected me. 

I’m so used to being alone, that it’s crazy. So for me to wanna kick it with you, your energy has to make me wanna be around you: BECAUSE my peace is everything. It’s probably the reason that I get easily annoyed when I do get visitors. In my mind: I’m thinking, damn when are you going home? 😒🥴😂 I’d rather be alone in peace than be surrounded by constant chaos and drama. It has also affected my relationships as well. I have to really like/love you to be in my space, especially a long time if it’s a long time. 

Constant time by yourself lowkey makes you a “no none sense” type of individual. You’re ready to tell a mofo how you feel and how they got you fucked up. You know why? Because you don’t need them! You’re good by your damn self. But then again, it’s lonely sometimes. However, you got options baby! 

For the bulk of my adulthood, I didn’t understand folks that constantly had to be in someone’s face or always have someone around them. Then it dawned on me… everyone is different. I can go out to eat, go to the movies, a concert or just chill at home by my damn self. 

Idk anything else other than my introvert ways. That’s possibly because there hasn’t been alotta folks that have constantly been around me. In my life, yes. But in my personal space, no. 

If I miss you or you’re on my mind super heavy… I have no problem pulling up vice versus. Especially now that everything is so crazy. I don’t get to see people or spend time. I blame it on the pandemic, being an introvert, and working all the time. 

I wouldn’t say that alone time is necessarily a bad thing. For me, it works. It works for my peace of mind, sanity, and all the things that come with life, while you’re tryna find yourself. S/o to all the latch key kids! Let us remember how the 90s were poppin and we are officially getting old.

Tell It All

When we’re children, we have all type of dreams. Sometimes our dreams stay the same and sometimes they change. Or maybe your parents are trying to live thru you and they push their dreams onto you. Either way it goes, things change. When I was like 8 or 9, I got my first journal for Christmas, which was low key life changing. In middle school I figured out that I liked to write and enjoy creative things. I thought that I wanted to be a director, producer, or be in some type of field of journalism. In high school it was on and poppin! That’s when I was getting the composition notebooks and started writing poetry. I would occasionally share with friends, and think that it was so deep. 😂 but in reality, I wasn’t talking about anything. Eventually I stopped writing because I felt like my stuff was whack. I went onto experiment in different industries of work. I’ve literally done a little bit of everything. But, at the end of the day I’ve always had a passion for English. I once took an Etymology class and it was one of the best things I’ve ever done. I love using big words, especially when I want to prove a point or sound super smart. Lol. When I was younger I always felt misunderstood. It was like no one cared what I had to say. Or I didn’t have enough courage to speak up for myself. Writing is everything to me. You can take what you want from my words. Hopefully the person reading my work will be able to relate. It makes me feel free. Because I suffer from anxiety/depression… my mind is constantly on a hamster wheel and my thoughts just keep going around and around. It’s quite maddening and frustrating. When that happens, I choose to write. I saw this quote on Twitter that said, “Write for your life.” And it couldn’t of been said better. Writing has saved my life on many occasions. When I was in college, one of my mentors asked me when I was going to start writing again. I said I don’t have anything to say. She told me, “you always have something to say. You’re a writer and it’s always going to be in you.” She was absolutely correct. When someone reads my work and can relate? Omg… my heart explodes and makes me feel so good. Writing is cathartic, as well as my therapy. Even if no one else reads my work, I’m cool with that. I do it for me. At the end of the day I know my weapon, which is my pen. And once I write my thoughts down? I’m lethal.
love. all ways. always.

Fox’n It

It’s 3 days into the new year. What I have accomplished this far? Not a damn thing. Being off from work has me looking like a confused fox. Not sure what to do. l was literally in bed all day. Only moved to use the bathroom and check the mail. Then my back decided that it wanted to start hurting. - side note: I don’t appreciate random parts of my body hurting just cuz…especially at 33. 🙄

Anyway. I’ve been in my head a lot. Doing my best to not think about last year and all that’s happened to me and around me. Missing my granny heavily… I keep looking at her picture. Wishing I could pop up on her one more time or talk to her. It honestly feels like my life is empty or I’m lacking. Between the holiday season just ending, being single (by choice), and just overall wondering the next phase of my life will bring. Not gonna lie, I miss my ex. He was my best friend. I feel a massive void. I’m pretty sure it’s a delayed reaction. When I first ended things… I felt super strong and empowered. Proud that I was able to put myself first and stand true to my wants, needs, and desires. And now? I’m still all of those things. But, all I can think about is the time invested, our conversations, and just having someone constantly there. It fucking sucks. Even though, it hits different… I know I made the best decision for me. I know it hit me differently because of the holidays and I’m sooooo glad it’s over. Tbh, I gotta get back to me. I put him first for the majority of our relationship. As much as I want to entertain hoes and be reckless out here in these streets… that life ain’t meant for me. I’m honest to say that. 

So it’s time for discipline and sacrifice. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I mean, we’re all insane to a certain extent but something has to give. 

A part of me is afraid. Afraid of success. Afraid to break out of this generational curse of struggling. Afraid to be the person that’s destined for greatness. You can tell me all day long not to be afraid, but, I’m human.. 

I guess it’s time to put up or shut up. I’m the type of person where if I think about something too long I won’t do it. So I just gotta tap in… all aspects of my life. I’m too dope of person to settle for anything mediocre. However, with that comes a fine balance. Gotta give yourself time and grace. Another reason I’m afraid is because I feel like I’m running out of time. I know that’s far from the truth, but I’m 33… I was just 25. 😩 regardless I gotta figure it out and not let my past dictate my future. Easier said than done…

love. all ways. always.

PUSH

P.U.S.H.

⬇️⬇️⬇️

Pray until something happens. Life has been a worldwind of emotions the last 5-6 months. It has not been easy. Deaths, relationships, work, daily adulting, regular severe anxiety… the list goes on & on. But, I’ve persevered through it all. Almost a new month and I wanna go into October strong. I currently have peace. What’s crazy to me is… like 3 people told me I look different this morning. Almost as if I have a different type of aura. One of those ppl said it looks like the weight has been lifted off my shoulders. And that’s incredibly accurate. Granted, I’m tired because I’m still at work. BUT, I definitely have peace and I’m so very thankful. No idea how grateful. Typically when I go through something, my emotions are tying me down. I’ve been so mentally disconnected, frustrated, and just disappointed the last 3 months. So to come to work and my co-workers are telling me that I lost weight/slimmin’ down, and that I have a certain glow? Baby, that’s GOD. I literally had to PUSH through especially as of late. It is the little things. I just knew breaking up with a significant other after almost 2 years together would put me somewhere I didn’t wanna be. However, it’s the total opposite. I have peace knowing I did my best, loved as hard as could and was there to support him in any capacity. I hate that the split had to happen, but I’ve been fighting myself for way too long. So, God had been in my ear heavy and I FINALLY listened. I’m honestly happy. I’m relieved. I can go on with my life without being miserable. This lets me know everything will be alright. ❤️❤️❤️

love. all ways. always.

Cold hands, warm heart

When your best isn’t enough. What do you do? Give it to God. Or at least that what my mama said. I really be trippin’ over life…

Like one minute you’re cool and then BAM! 💥 the next minute your whole life changes in an instant. I think about my life a lot. What I mean to people, what they mean to me, my purpose, and everything I’ve been through this far. I’ve come an incredibly long way. To see my growth is amazing AND for other people to see/acknowledge my growth is amazing as well. Although these growing pains hurt, I’m in awe with myself. 

I’m staying true to my word. I know what I’m worth and I don’t want to settle. God built me different. Learning that I’m an empath makes so much more sense to me as I get older. After tapping into my vulnerability via therapy. AND being in a relationship… I’ve had to learn the sensitive spots of my heart, mind, and spirit. So with all that… I’m a sensitive hot mess mixed with empathy. I’m dealing with my own issues on top of feeling everyone else’s emotions. It’s crazy! I was today years old when I realized it. Lol. 

Imagine how heavy all of this feels on a daily basis. I’ve come to terms that solace, quietness, and sleep is how I manage. Sometimes I’ll come home and won’t turn on anything. I’ll just sit in silence or even drive in silence. Not all the time, but, it’s becoming more often and I’m okay with it. In this moment I am doing alright. However, I know some days will be better than others. I also know that healing takes time. I’ve given so much of myself away in this particular relationship and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It has just taught me that I’m able to love. And although, I’ve given alotta myself to someone… that just means that I’m ready to love even harder the next go round. I just need to make sure that it’s reciprocated how I need it to be. In the midst of my mind’s chaos, I’m still processing… Life man… it be life’n…
love. all ways. always.