SHHHHH!!!!

SHHHH!!! Currently at the gig sorta kinda lowkey hiding out. There’s not much to do on the weekends... and it’s also slow motion, which I prefer. I’m sleepy because obviously I didn’t get much sleep. Duhhh McFly! 🙄 I’m sippin on a Redbull and it’s definitely not giving me wings. I can’t wait to go home to chill for the day and catch up on some rest. (HOPEFULLY). In the meantime, I’m really doing my best to stay off of social media because there’s so much going on in the world and in my city. Just the images and the words are too much. It’s almost as if I’m overwhelmed. Someone once said that sensory overload is real... and they ain’t never lied. 

It’s difficult not to stay informed in times like this, but very necessary. Idk what to do with myself. I should finish off the books I have stacked up at home, but I never have the focus to finish reading. I normally end up going to sleep. Lol. I wish I could just dip off for about 2 weeks or so and just CHILL. But with COVID-19, safety/travel/health concerns AND these protests/riots?? I’ll just have to be satisfied with going to work and coming home. 

Side note: I was going through some of my old blog posts and maaaaaaannnnn I have been THROUGH IT the last couple of years; specifically 2019. However, I’ve also grown tremendously and for that I’m extremely proud of myself. One thing hasn’t changed tho, which is the motto: 🗣 DAY BY DAY. The world is so crazy now, you have to take it day by day just to keep some type of peace and sanity. Otherwise you’ll go crazy tryna prepare or predict the future. I’m working on being more present in the PRESENT. I’m the big age of 32 and a lot more things make sense these days. I don’t worry as much as I used to. I always stay in my lane. I love people that love me. (I’m working on the people who I don’t 😂). I’m cooking more. 😳 and, the most important one: I’m diligently working on my happiness. 

Writing/blogging, sleeping, listening to my albums, and hanging out with my favorite people are what’s keeping me sane at the moment. I’ve always done my best to be appreciative for the simple things in life. Cuz when you’re appreciative for the little things, more blessings will come unexpectedly. Like the homie J. Cole said, “Love Yourz”. 

love. all ways. always.

Lemonade

I should definitely be asleep because I have to work tonite. But, unfortunately I’m wide awake and hungry. Just laying in bed but I decided to go to my ‘vibe room’. Playing one of my favorite albums by SiR. As always I have epiphanies. Alotta people know my family is pure dysfunctional. Many years ago I made the decision to just not be bothered and to stay in my lane. Life is much easier when you choose to put yourself first. And while it is easier, many would say it is selfish. 

Is it wrong of me to not wanna be bothered? Is it wrong of me to not wanna be involved with foolishness and chaos? Is it wrong of me to not wanna be wrapped in negativity? Just because they’re so-called ‘family’.... 

I know I’m not too good because they’re a part of me. I am them. They helped raised me. Sometimes I feel like I have put myself in the ‘too good’ lane subconsciously. I hopped on social media to see that my sister has been released from jail. And I’m just like oh she’s out after a couple of months. Realistically she needs to be in there and stay longer than 2-3 months. But I know her kids need her. If anything I feel bad for them because they haven’t had stability in some years. It’s always some drama going on with their mama. 

I’m not too good. But I have no desire to deal with family. I legit feel guilty. I guess that’s because many years ago... I decided to put myself and my peace FIRST. I worry about me and me only. Everyone has their own shit they have to deal with. I guess this is mine. 🤷🏽‍♀️ I want better for myself. I wish they did too. We all have to deal with life and the cards we’re left to play. I may not have the best cards, nor the best odds. However... I’m doing my damnest to win the game. If I don’t win.... just know I’ll have a helluva comeback. 

love. all ways. always. 

Whoa ‘der...

Life is interesting for sure. And God also has a funny sense of humor. Everyone knows (I think) that I’m asleep during the day because I work 3rd shift. For the past month or so I’ve been ordering way too many Amazon packages so I randomly get a knock on my door. Ironically today, I was half way woken up by the occasional knock. I received flowers. I knew they weren’t from my boo. I looked for a card on the beautiful bouquet of flowers. I read the the message and I was tryna figure out who they were from. I put 2 and 2 together. I believe they’re from a person that was once important to me. I still dunno how to feel about it. 

I’m appreciative of the sentiment. However, I’m not sure if this is an attempt to reconcile or what. I don’t want to reconcile our relationship. I don’t want to reconnect with someone that blatantly disrespected, violated, and overall has so no respect for myself, my environment, and even my mental health. I would however like to have a conversation... to get ALL of my feelings out in the most adult/mature way possible. I know that most likely I’ll never get a real apology. The timing is interesting. I don’t wanna overthink the situation. But in my mind... I’m thinking like, I got flowers... so what? What I’d like is an apology for the fuckery you did. Not only that, I would like for you to OWN what you did, acknowledge what you did, how it made me feel etc. I’m a grown woman. I can own my shit. I know who I am. I can effectively apologize. I can’t say the same for this person. 

I know I’ll never get an apology or a conversation that’s woman to woman. At the moment, I can’t say I fully forgive her. I need more time. Like I said, I appreciate the sentiment but that’s about it. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I’ll always have love for you. I can never forget you. I pray that you can heal how you need to. And I also pray that God puts it on my heart to fully forgive you... but more so for myself. Thank you for teaching me certain lessons that I carry til this day. You should take heed and practice what you preach. 

love. all ways. always. 

Lenny Kravitz

On this day 32 years ago, on a Monday was born. I just got done saying a prayer. I’m feeling pretty good. I’ve been doing my best to keep taking my own advice; which is day by day. So far, it’s been going pretty good. I honestly have no complaints. Things could certainly be worse. I’m just extremely grateful to be in my own space in MY OWN SPACE. For so long I’ve just wanted to be. Be free. Be myself. Be happy. Be loved. Because I’m an introvert and empath... all I ever wanna be is just BE. It makes sense in my head. Lol. I’m claiming that 32 will be the most awesome year yet. 

Happy muh’fuggin birthday to myself. 

love. all ways. always.

Spring Flowers

April literally flew by. And now, here it is May. You know what that means?!?!? My birthday is coming up. My 32nd birthday. It is 15 days away. 15 days!!! It is crazy. I used to often think of what my life would be like around this time. 🤔 Not so much, my 30s... but my 20s. How I thought my life would be... it def ain’t that. Lol. But, as always I’m thankful. With so much going on in the world... it’s more of a blessing to wake up these days. Anyhow. I’m not sure how to feel. Every year I do my best to do a self reflection and how I’ve handled the year thus far. Things I need to improve on, goals, working on my happy etc etc. I think in this moment, I’m happy. 31 was/is interesting. Some mistakes, alotta doubt, sadness, and uncertainty. BUT.... I always come out on the right side of things, even if it doesn’t feel that way. 

I’m a big 31... and I still do not feel like an adult. I definitely don’t look like I’m old enough to be grown. (*thanks Mom, for the good genes. 😉) I pray that 32 will include more growth, better decisions, greater opportunities, and of course all around happiness. One thing I have realized is... the older you get, you really do not give a fuck. Like at all. You are who you are, you do what you do and folks will just have to deal. That’s where I am. I feel like as long as I’m not hurting anyone or doing anything illegal, then we’re good. 🤷🏽‍♀️ In this realm, I’m becoming more of myself. That’s a good feeling. I just wanna keep living and enjoy life to the best of my ability. I’m not tryna have anything or anyone disrupt my peace or bring negativity this way. Miss me with the bull shit. I literally do not have the time. We are all on borrowed time. Why waste it being miserable, petty, negative, or dysfunctional? If it ain’t money, love, money or peace... I don’t want it. 

So, cheers to 32. Lessssgoooooooo!!!!!

love. all ways. always.  

Night Skies

Wow. I’m at work...sitting on the dock, waiting for my last break and looking forward to going home. I literally just had an epiphany. I was randomly thinking about how my mom was staying with me for 3 months last year. While I was thinking about this... I was like yooooooooooo!!! I’ve literally been holding it down for myself. Through my ups and downs... I have shown up for myself, even when I didn’t think I could. I believe this is this case, because most of the time all I’ve had is MYSELF. My struggle has definitely been one. Financially, mentally, and emotionally. Yet, I’m still STANDING. Wow. The smallest things I’m grateful for. 32 in about a month and I’m incredibly appreciative. Own car, own crib, decent (but annoying job), clothes on my back, food in my fridge, and some money in my bank account. Also, in the process of bettering my finances so I can become a homeowner. Is this what 30+ insight is? If so, I love it. Shoutout to me for legitimately holding it down even when things were hard, you wanted to give up/in and be non existent to the world. Life is about moments. In this moment, I am proud of me. We often forget about the trials and tribulations we went thru to get to our current destination. Wow. Thank you, God. Thank you self. More blessings to come. More appreciation. More gratitude. More beauty. More lessons. More of my authentic self. 

love. all ways. always. 

719

It’s interesting how you think life is supposed to go. I’m 31, and don’t have kids. Idk if I’ll ever have kids. A part of me wants to have them and the other part is terrified of being a parent. I’d like to have at least one so I can have a legacy and so I can say, ‘Go get me the remote!” Not only that, but also to break generational curses/cycles. When I was younger, I’d say “I don’t want no kids!!!!” I’ve never been a kid person. Lol. But as you get older of course your perspective changes. With that being said, I have nephews and nieces... who I never get to see. Partially my fault and partially because the relationship was never initiated. Tbh, I don’t have a relationship with any of my siblings... and it hurts. That’s a big reason why I cherish my friends so much. 

When I was in high school my family all lived in the same house. (My mom, sis & her kids and my grandmother). My sister had back to back kids while I was in high school. I helped take care of them. Those were my babies. ESP my oldest nephew cuz he was my first baby boy. I miss him being small. He used to wait on me to get outta school. Now he’s 16. 😩 I’ve always wanted to be aunt that I never had. I wanted to show them things that I had been shown. Show them a different side of life. When they’re not your own, it’s hard to do. I learned the hard way that there’s a thin line between parent and family member. 

Long story short, my relationship with my sister become heavily strained because of her ‘The world owes me everything’ attitude. With that, meant me not dealing with her... I couldn’t see my babies. I’ve always done for them. I’m the only aunt that has ever really came around, took them out, and just been there. But let my big headed sister tell it... I’ve never done anything. I just stopped coming around all together. Now that they’re teenagers... it’s almost like I have to start all over again. In the back of mind, I said I would lowkey wait until they got older to establish a relationship with them. So that they can see me for who I really am and not their mother’s idea of me. 

I’m not gon lie... I’m in my world all the time. I rarely talk to my family... unless it’s my parents or close friends. I don’t have a relationship with any of my aunts, uncles, or cousins. How fucking sad is that??? Smh. It is what it is. I guess I’m feeling some type of way because today is my niece’s birthday. She’s turning 14. I feel so old. My babies are no longer babies. They’re bad ass teenagers. 🥴 

At the end of the day... I just hope we can establish a great relationship and they end up being great people.