Lesss Be Real

 Let's be real. I normally hate the holidays. It's just another day to me. Because my family dynamic is so jacked up, I typically feel some type of way especially on Thanksgiving and Christmas. I have always wanted to change my feelings about it. But, I knew it wouldn't change until I had a family of my own or I started my own traditions. This year is completely different and I am thankful for that. I am actually excited. I have been with my significant other a year, so I am looking forward to spending time with him and his kids. I've never been in this space. I can't lie, the last 10 years have been lonely, somewhat miserable, and definitely disheartening. That's why I just chalk it up as another day and do my best not to think about it. Everyone normally has their own thing going on... and I just don't want to be bothered. I used to be sad just thinking about it, until I became numb. I used to be so hurt that my so called, "family" would only want to get together on the holidays or if someone was sick/in the hospital. We never contact each other throughout the calendar year, but now you want me to fake the funk and act like I'm happy to see you for a day? Nahhh, I'll pass. With that being said, I appreciate my friends so much more. My friends are my family. And this year I am apart of a new family and tbh it feels really good. The only thing that really sucks is I have to work, so I can't fully enjoy the day how I want to; but I am happy to be included and feel loved in the same way. I don't think I've ever felt like this.I'm just happy to start new beginnings, even if it's not what I envisioned... and that's the best part of all.

love. all ways. always. 

BJJ

And so it starts....

21 days which is equivalent to 3 weeks. It will have been a year. A year that I have been in a committed relationship with my significant other. I still can’t believe it. The fact that I still like him, even when he gets on my nerves. That speaks volumes. Because I don’t like people and my tolerance for stupidity/ignorance/ and other negativity is little to none. Throughout my life... adulthood I guess... I’ve been told that I have a wall up and I can come off as aggressive. I’ve always had a good head on my shoulders, a ‘go getta’ mentality, independent as hell, and just stayed in my lane. For a long time I thought that something was wrong with me or I would be single forever. I’m different. I’m not your average lady. I’m open minded and I do my best to see things from all angles and perspectives. 

Some men that I’ve come across couldn’t understand why I had been single for so long OR why I’m not being pursued as often as they thought I should. It came to my attention that I’m too normal for most men. I don’t have any drama. No kids. No craziness. Job, my own crib, and own car? That’s too much normalcy for a guy these days. The funny thing is I’m an introvert so I’m overwhelmingly fine with being by myself. With that being said, I don’t let just anyone into my space or my life; and many don’t understand that or don’t want to understand. I don’t want anyone in my life who can’t match me, or not bring (if not more) to the table. I’ve always known my worth. I know that I’m an amazing woman. Smart, goal oriented, a big heart, genuine, and loving. I had just been waiting on the right one, who didn’t necessarily have an ulterior motive or was on certified bullshit.

And here I am a year later happy and in love. Yes, I am still in disbelief. If you wanna make God laugh, tell HIM your plans. Life is ironic as hell. When you’re so used to things going opposite, hella negative situations, and constant rejections... you begin to think you don’t deserve happiness. You don’t think it’ll ever come, so you just become content with yourself and friends. Those who I love, love me back. I was cool with that. But deep down, I’ve always yearned for me. Now I have it and it’s a scary but, yet beautiful place to be. 

This is when self sabotage comes into play... because sub consciously we feel we aren’t worthy. OR we think something is gonna go wrong, even though everything is going right. To be real, I’m terrified. What if this is everything I imagined? What if I get dropped like a bad habit? What if? 🗣 WHAT IF!!! What if we both love each other so deeply that we find our way thru life together? What if? When I say my anxiety is on 1,000,000... that’s an understatement. Neither one of us is perfect but we balance each other out. This year has been nothing but growth. 

We’re growing together. Communicating effectively. Laughing endlessly. And whole heartedly supporting each other. This shit is scary. Of course every day isn’t peaches and cream but we make it work. I’m honest enough to say I’m afraid that this thing will work and will go the distance. For someone that’s been single the majority of her adulthood, it’s a big deal. I guess that’s why I stay in disbelief that I’ve been in a relationship almost a whole year with no real problems. Shit happens, but, it’s great to know that I have someone to go through it with. Life is hard enough on a daily basis, so we all need at least one person to help us stay soft when obstacles are thrown at us. 

I’m not sure what the future holds for us, but I’m grateful for the time and moments we’ve shared thus far. Love people while you have them. Love unconditionally. Love loud. Love fearlessly. Love whole heartedly. 

love. all ways. always.

AL

 Fall time is officially here. It's a brisk chilliness. Time to crank up the heat and dig out your favorite blankets. It's also the holiday time, which I  always dread. Anyway. Currently listening my Sade album while being in the cloud. Got me thinking about some ish. Yesterday I went to see my grandmother and it wasn't necessarily a pleasent visit. Lemme just say that my family dynamic has been abnormal for as long as I can remember. Until I was older, I never understood the demise towards her. Even myself had to stop speaking and visiting because of the mental and verbal abuse I was subjected to. Although she helped raised me, there has always been some type of meanness and anger in her heart...which trickled into her children and grandchildren. At some point I was hurt because my immediate family stopped calling and visiting my grandmother. I was like damn... no one cares about her well being enough to even check in? But, then I realized that I had to endure the abuse myself to fully understand. Anna Lara is the queen of talking shit, trying to help you out and then go off about not things her way. LOL. When I was younger she was my favorite person. I remember going along on her Avon runs, taking her spare change, sneak Burger King runs, and watching her stories with her. It was all good in my book. I never thought too much about her raising my mom until lately. The saying is true, "Parents do the best they can with what they're given." I saw that yesterday. She has bladder cancer. She is dying. She's looked the worst she ever has in life. To see her in and out consciousness was unreal. My matriach superhero is no longer invincible. For 88 years, she has been. Throughout strokes, heart attacks, triple bypass heart surgery, leg amputation, and all that's in between... she has been my 4'11 beast. I mean that in the most loving way. While I was sitting there processing what was going on... I was watching my mom tenderly combing my grandma's hair and holding her hand..with all the love in the world. 

It was a moment. I wish I could've witnessed more moments with heir true mother and daughter relationship. My mom is the baby and has always taken care of my grandmother. I'm 32 and feel like I will definitely be in that role with my mom. I'm the baby as well, and have often or been the helping hand. It's interesting to watch how life progresses and are often times generational cycles. Meanwhile, I've never dealt with death. I have had two major deaths in my life and I wasn't old enough to understand what was really going on or how to feel. The person that has had a pivotal roll in my life is now transitioning. I say I am processing, but it all feels surreal... like I'm in an alternate universe. To see my grandmother in and out of consciousness.... hurts. I feel numb. I don't think my natural feelings will come about until after she's gone. 

I'm sitting here thinking... I never hugged my grandma or said I love you. It was more of a progress report on life and how we need to get our act together. She is Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One minute she is as sweet as pie, and the next we ain't shit, never gon be shit, and we're ugly. I think she wanted the best for all of us, but didn't know how to show it without being an asshole. 

The strongest woman I know. I love you. You made Trice's Pieces the woman she is...through dysfuction and all. LOL. Say hi to Paw Paw and Lil Larry for me when you get here. 

DALLAS

Almost a year ago, to this day I was preparing to go to TX for more training for a new opportunity. I was excited, nervous, unsure but also incredibly happy. It felt good to be somewhere that I could have a fresh start. Little did I know, the opportunity would soon come to an end. I was beyond heart broken. I didn’t and still don’t understand why God would put me in that position, knowing what I had been through to get to that point. On top of that, I was dealing with a whole heap of other shit that had me hogged tied down with my anxiety on edge. One good thing that came from the month of October was an old friend. The week that I went to Dallas, was when he reached out. Ironically I didn’t think much about it. I thought he was hitting me up just to see how life has been. Now a year later, here we are in a relationship and going through life together. Ironic is the word to use for this situation. Never in a million years would I have thought that I’d briefly work for Southwest Airlines and find the love of my life all within a month. Lol. Despite all the bullshit 2020 has provided, (specifically COVID-19) it has been a good one. I’ve realized now more than ever that.... everything and everyone has a season. And sometimes, it takes us longer to get where we want. Life is definitely a journey & not necessarily a destination. I’m still not sure what I’m doing with my life, what my career path is, blah blah blah. In the immortal words of myself: all we can do is take things day by day... not exist, but to LIVE. When we harp or stress on the future too much... we’re not present in the moment. That’s a problem I’ve always had. I’m doing my best to take things as they come. We all know anxiety is my middle name.. lol. But I can truly give it a good effort to  continue to be the best version of myself one day at a time. We all should. I’m thankful for 2019... it taught me what I was made of. 2020 allowed me to be vulnerable & become more of myself. I can’t wait to go back to Dallas... this time for pleasure and not work. 

In real life tho

In real life tho... (one of my favorite sayings)...

I’m struggling at the moment. My anxiety is kicking my ass. The balance between being in the present and being overly focused on the future is heavy on my mind. My mouth is dry, thoughts are every where, and I’m overthinking the scattered thoughts in my brain. Not sure if it’s from legit my anxiety or the 2 Pepsi’s I drank... or if it’s a combination of both. Some days are better than others, and other times it’s a moment like this. Lil Duval once tweeted to sum’n like, “People really like finding stuff to worry/stress about.” I think that’s true to a certain extent. I legit can’t help it. Even on medication... it’s a struggle. 

Pretty much all is well in my life... I honestly can not complain. On the flip side... I am overwhelmed mentally and emotionally. I’m doing my best not to let it take over. I keep telling myself to just breathe and think of other positive thoughts, I can’t. All that takes over is how exhausted/depleted of energy I am, how much I shouldn’t be sleeping, the to do list I need to make, the guilt of not staying for the constant overtime of my job, and how much I desperately want to just disappear for a while. In real life tho, none of this matters. Still gotta put on a somewhat happy smile and go about life. 

Some people say that I have a certain calm & peaceful energy about myself; which I can appreciate the sentiment. But, if they only knew the turmoil I go through internally on a daily basis. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I’ve always had anxiety. ALWAYS. However, as I’ve gotten older... it has become 10x worse. At times it almost feels paralyzing to my spirit... because I know it’s not normal. Le sigh.

143 x 2

Love. A lot of people use it loosely these days. Love is an emotion to be felt in an unconditional manner with no stipulations. If I have ever said,’I love you’ to someone, I genuinely mean it. I always say that you could meet someone yesterday and love them today like you’ve known them your whole life. I know because I’ve felt it more times than once in my life. At my big age of 32, we have no time to play games. NONE. More women are going after what they want in life. Not so much women, but EVERYONE. Life is precious. 2020 has been kicking ass and taking names. And with that being said, I don’t have time for the Tom foolery that folks are on. 

But, on the flip side of that... I’ve also learned a major lesson this year. Which is to: 🗣 USE YOUR WORDS. I’m not a mind reader and I’m definitely not going to attempt to do so or read between the lines. We’re too grown!!! Mature people communicate effectively and that’s a hard lesson I had to learn. But, I’m extremely glad that I did. How does someone know how you feel, unless you tell them? You hurt me. That made me upset. I don’t like that. All examples (not good examples) of USING YOUR WORDS. This weekend I had to put my big girl drawz on and take my own advice. It was definitely a conversation that was uncomfortable for me to have, but it needed to be said. I did my best to be patient, understanding, with the intent of a strong listening ear. I can sometimes come off as an asshole when I’m tryna get my point across, but in that moment I HAD to be vulnerable. And needless to say, I’m glad I was able to break down a wall and get what I needed. I’m still processing. Like WOW... do you see what can happen when you communicate effectively? We don’t know, unless we ask. I’m proud of myself. But, I’m also kind of nervous. This isn’t a place I’ve been before so I’m taking it seriously and lightly at the same time. I now have someone’s heart in my hands... and it’s a big deal. He trusts me enough to love him unconditionally through it all. I’m honest enough to say I don’t wanna fuck anything up or have him do the same. But, it’s life. No one is perfect. All we can do is give our best, and USE OUR WORDS effectively. 143.

love. all ways. always. 

Elevatorz

It’s 6:20 and I’m sitting on the dock, impatiently waiting for 7 to hit so I can go to the break room and chillax. The last couple of days have been crazy... but crazy in a good way. However, the last month and half has been filled with stress, anxiety, and an alarming amount of worries. This weekend was worth it all. I stepped out of my norm, my comfort zone and my bubble to throw my bf a surprise party. When I say that this is the most stressed I have been a long time? ! Baybeh!!!! The struggle was real. But, to see his reaction... it was amazing. All of my effort, time, planning (and money) was worth it. I never wanna do that shit again... cuz certain days of the week I just wanted to say FUCK IT ALL. Lol. 

I was so happy that everything came together how it should, and the surprise wasn’t blown. 

I didn’t realize how anal and OCD stricken I was until planning this event. 🤦🏽‍♀️ 🤷🏽‍♀️ I’m just glad I start/plan things way ahead of time... just in case shit gets real. To see him ridiculously happy made me happy. Luckily my friends were there, as well as my Pops... which was a relief because I have anxiety. I had been praying hard that it would turn out great and it did! The relief I felt afterwards is/was unmatched. I was like yes, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!! In the process of planning, it did feel like I was giving too much of myself away because I was so obsessed with making this event a success. So now it is time to get back to me and focus on what’s really important. 

I did this party, not only for him but for myself too. Stepping outside of bubble. Being all in for an introvert was definitely a difficult task but I made it happen. I wanted him to experience something he’s never had before. I wanted people to show up and show love, because he often does that for everyone else. I wanted him to have a good time, even if it was just for the night. He deserved that. We all do. With so much going on these days, you gotta love on people when and while you can. Ain’t no shame in my game. Appreciate folks while you can. Whether it’s a small gesture or a grand gesture, it doesn’t take much to love on someone. A hug, a text, positive words of affirmation or even some food.... it goes a long way. 

love. all ways. always.