Carl Thomas

I hate being vulnerable. Like... I fucking HATE being vulnerable; which is also the reason why I’ve had a hard exterior for many years. Currently in my box o’ feelz and that’s not a place for anyone to be. My feelings are hurt, but, it’s my fault. I wish I would’ve never said anything. Clearly the feeling was so strong, I just had to say sum’n. In that moment, it felt like my heart was gonna burst. I know I’m not being rejected... but in this present moment... I definitely feel like it. 

I never mean to pressure someone. In my mind certain things aren’t that big of a deal. I feel like if I say I love you. 🗣 I MEAN THAT SHIT. There’s no doubt in my mind. For someone to actively show me on a daily basis that they care... I know that they love me. I know they do. Because if they didn’t... they wouldn’t do half the shit they do. I just wanna hear it. I’ve put my heart and my ego on the line to say... ‘hey, I love you and I’m in love with you.’ I don’t say that just because...

I know that sometimes, if not often... it takes the opposite sex awhile to say the 3 words. I know it means that they don’t care for me any less. And, I also respect that fact that they want to wait until they for sure know deep down in their heart. I’ve realized tho... I’m the opposite. If I say, I love you... I wanna hear it back!!! It sucks. But, I HAVE to respect what he has said, because I respect him as a man and I care deeply for him. 

Everyone knows I overthink everything. This shouldn’t be that big of a deal, but it is. In this moment... IT IS. I can’t help how I feel. I’m doing my best not to overthink/over analyze but it’s hard. I just wish I never would’ve said anything. But, I feel how I feel. Even if it’s not necessarily reciprocated how I want it to be. 

Growth... it hurts. But, we gotta go through it, to go through it...

love. all ways. always.