143 x 2

Love. A lot of people use it loosely these days. Love is an emotion to be felt in an unconditional manner with no stipulations. If I have ever said,’I love you’ to someone, I genuinely mean it. I always say that you could meet someone yesterday and love them today like you’ve known them your whole life. I know because I’ve felt it more times than once in my life. At my big age of 32, we have no time to play games. NONE. More women are going after what they want in life. Not so much women, but EVERYONE. Life is precious. 2020 has been kicking ass and taking names. And with that being said, I don’t have time for the Tom foolery that folks are on. 

But, on the flip side of that... I’ve also learned a major lesson this year. Which is to: 🗣 USE YOUR WORDS. I’m not a mind reader and I’m definitely not going to attempt to do so or read between the lines. We’re too grown!!! Mature people communicate effectively and that’s a hard lesson I had to learn. But, I’m extremely glad that I did. How does someone know how you feel, unless you tell them? You hurt me. That made me upset. I don’t like that. All examples (not good examples) of USING YOUR WORDS. This weekend I had to put my big girl drawz on and take my own advice. It was definitely a conversation that was uncomfortable for me to have, but it needed to be said. I did my best to be patient, understanding, with the intent of a strong listening ear. I can sometimes come off as an asshole when I’m tryna get my point across, but in that moment I HAD to be vulnerable. And needless to say, I’m glad I was able to break down a wall and get what I needed. I’m still processing. Like WOW... do you see what can happen when you communicate effectively? We don’t know, unless we ask. I’m proud of myself. But, I’m also kind of nervous. This isn’t a place I’ve been before so I’m taking it seriously and lightly at the same time. I now have someone’s heart in my hands... and it’s a big deal. He trusts me enough to love him unconditionally through it all. I’m honest enough to say I don’t wanna fuck anything up or have him do the same. But, it’s life. No one is perfect. All we can do is give our best, and USE OUR WORDS effectively. 143.

love. all ways. always. 

Elevatorz

It’s 6:20 and I’m sitting on the dock, impatiently waiting for 7 to hit so I can go to the break room and chillax. The last couple of days have been crazy... but crazy in a good way. However, the last month and half has been filled with stress, anxiety, and an alarming amount of worries. This weekend was worth it all. I stepped out of my norm, my comfort zone and my bubble to throw my bf a surprise party. When I say that this is the most stressed I have been a long time? ! Baybeh!!!! The struggle was real. But, to see his reaction... it was amazing. All of my effort, time, planning (and money) was worth it. I never wanna do that shit again... cuz certain days of the week I just wanted to say FUCK IT ALL. Lol. 

I was so happy that everything came together how it should, and the surprise wasn’t blown. 

I didn’t realize how anal and OCD stricken I was until planning this event. 🤦🏽‍♀️ 🤷🏽‍♀️ I’m just glad I start/plan things way ahead of time... just in case shit gets real. To see him ridiculously happy made me happy. Luckily my friends were there, as well as my Pops... which was a relief because I have anxiety. I had been praying hard that it would turn out great and it did! The relief I felt afterwards is/was unmatched. I was like yes, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!! In the process of planning, it did feel like I was giving too much of myself away because I was so obsessed with making this event a success. So now it is time to get back to me and focus on what’s really important. 

I did this party, not only for him but for myself too. Stepping outside of bubble. Being all in for an introvert was definitely a difficult task but I made it happen. I wanted him to experience something he’s never had before. I wanted people to show up and show love, because he often does that for everyone else. I wanted him to have a good time, even if it was just for the night. He deserved that. We all do. With so much going on these days, you gotta love on people when and while you can. Ain’t no shame in my game. Appreciate folks while you can. Whether it’s a small gesture or a grand gesture, it doesn’t take much to love on someone. A hug, a text, positive words of affirmation or even some food.... it goes a long way. 

love. all ways. always. 

Meek Mill

Sitting here. Sitting here thinking and listening to what sounds like someone using a jack hammer outside. 🤷🏽‍♀️ I’m always thinking. I’m thinking about how life infinitely changes. Our dreams, aspirations, and goals. What I once wanted out of life seems like such a vague memory. I’ve changed so much over the years, but a part of me will always be the same. I’m eternally grateful for growth... and what comes with it.   I see the person I’m becoming more clearly. I’m becoming more in tune with myself and more aware. 

They’ve always said when you’re in the 30+ gang, it gets to become more clearer. Best believe, I have a lot more growing to do, but it doesn’t seem as daunting. I’m actually looking forward to it. I’m still nervous about the future and what’s to come. But, like I always say... day by day. 

Stability is all I’ve ever wanted, along with being understood. I’ve felt misunderstood the majority of my life. I felt like I had no one to sincerely listen to me or my plight. Now, I am that for others. Ironic, huh? Yes, I’d say so. Now I’m okay with being misunderstood. I now know we’re not meant to be understood. It took almost my whole life to figure this tidbit out. Being a strange bird, loner,quiet/shy, and a misfit has made me who I am. I’m forever thankful. Our dreams will always change, as well as our goals. I’m on a new path. And even though I’m nervous about it... in the same sense I’ve never been so sure. I deserve all the good things life has to offer. I deserve love, success, peace, and stability. We all do. 

Sometimes we just gotta really think about shit and put it into perspective. That’s what this moment is. 

 

love. all ways. always. 

737

I haven’t been to sleep since yesterday. My head is hurting and idk why. It’s extremely gloomy and somber outside. Currently listening to Alina Baraz album on my record player. Maybe I should pray for peace. Other than this state I’m in right now, everything else is cool for the most part. 

I’ve been thinking about how this year has been going thus far. It’s been interesting, that’s for sure. I’ve also been thinking about how I grew up, which is random I know. I grew up being sheltered. I was shy and quiet. I’ve always stayed to myself. I’ve forever been genuine with a big heart to match. I always thought I’ve been different because I considered myself to be a loner, which now in today’s society is known as an introvert. With that being said, I grew up in a household full of women. They never taught me how to be a woman per se. As a kid, I often felt alone and misunderstood. Come to think of it, I was probably depressed back then and didn’t know it. Le sigh... 

In hindsight, I wasn’t taught a lot. I was just told to make decent grades and don’t come home with any babies. My mom definitely put fear in my heart. I had so many ambitions, but I was never taught how to go out and actually achieve them. Through it all, I’ve maintained. I’ve stayed down, genuine, honest and loving... even when I didn’t want or know how to. 32 feels good. Coming into more into myself. I love the best way I know how. I’m constantly learning and growing. Doing my damnest to make good decisions, while living unapologetically. 

it’s love. All ways. Always.

Carl Thomas

I hate being vulnerable. Like... I fucking HATE being vulnerable; which is also the reason why I’ve had a hard exterior for many years. Currently in my box o’ feelz and that’s not a place for anyone to be. My feelings are hurt, but, it’s my fault. I wish I would’ve never said anything. Clearly the feeling was so strong, I just had to say sum’n. In that moment, it felt like my heart was gonna burst. I know I’m not being rejected... but in this present moment... I definitely feel like it. 

I never mean to pressure someone. In my mind certain things aren’t that big of a deal. I feel like if I say I love you. 🗣 I MEAN THAT SHIT. There’s no doubt in my mind. For someone to actively show me on a daily basis that they care... I know that they love me. I know they do. Because if they didn’t... they wouldn’t do half the shit they do. I just wanna hear it. I’ve put my heart and my ego on the line to say... ‘hey, I love you and I’m in love with you.’ I don’t say that just because...

I know that sometimes, if not often... it takes the opposite sex awhile to say the 3 words. I know it means that they don’t care for me any less. And, I also respect that fact that they want to wait until they for sure know deep down in their heart. I’ve realized tho... I’m the opposite. If I say, I love you... I wanna hear it back!!! It sucks. But, I HAVE to respect what he has said, because I respect him as a man and I care deeply for him. 

Everyone knows I overthink everything. This shouldn’t be that big of a deal, but it is. In this moment... IT IS. I can’t help how I feel. I’m doing my best not to overthink/over analyze but it’s hard. I just wish I never would’ve said anything. But, I feel how I feel. Even if it’s not necessarily reciprocated how I want it to be. 

Growth... it hurts. But, we gotta go through it, to go through it...

love. all ways. always. 

Authenticity

Have you ever wondered what people see in you? Why they talk to you? What is so interesting about your personality? What do they find intriguing? I have, quite often. Not so much when I was younger, but definitely the last 10 years. I’ve always stayed in my lane and stayed true to myself. Genuine is what one quality that I love about myself. Maybe that’s why some folks are so engaged by me. My sister once said that maybe my purpose in life is to remind people that are acting unloved that they ARE loved and still valuable. I have the worst resting bitch face, but I am as cool as an ice cube. 💁🏽‍♀️

I honestly dunno what is about me that causes people to just come up to me and start randomly talking but clearly it’s something about my energy. I’m not gonna lie...it’s hard to keep a good energy/spirit about yourself. You have to keep yourself in check often. Trust and believe, that everyday isn’t peaches and cream. But, you gotta choose to be the best version of yourself... even when you don’t feel like it. I’ve met alotta dope people so far in my 32 years. And yet, I’m one the dopest people I’ve met. I’m still meeting ME. It’s a lifelong journey. Things to think about.... 

I’ll never be quite sure what people see when they talk to me through their own lenses. In hindsight, it’s not meant for me to know. I’ll just keep being Sunny & being my authentic self. 

love. all ways. always.

Reset

I have a thing about time. I’m not sure why. I’m also big on remembering significant dates. As I always say, time doesn’t define love. But, when I’m in... I’m ALL in. I’m doing my best not to be so caught up with time and dates. Because at the end of the day, all of it is irrelevant. I’m always working on being present in the present. With so much going on in the world, it’s hard to do so but I’m making a conscious effort. It’ll be seven months with my boo this upcoming Friday, (7/10). This is my longest relationip with the opposite sex. 😂

I can’t complain about him. It feels like we’ve been together so much longer. But then again, it’s probably because I’ve known him 10+ years. He’s made being in this relationship easy. Considering that we both have a lot on our plate (mainly him)... we make it do what it do to make shit work. He makes me laugh constantly, even when I don’t want to AND especially when he gets on my last nerve. 💁🏽‍♀️ I’m happy. I’m not putting to much pressure on the future. You gotta enjoy people and the moment while you have them. I’m incredibly grateful for him. It’s a weird space to be in; but at the same time it’s a good feeling. Having someone look after you, someone to talk to, someone that cooks, someone that you can kick it with...without them getting on your nerves. That’s what we have. On my behalf it’s been a long time coming. Even though we’re polar opposites, we compliment each other well; along with balancing each other out. 

Clearly tomorrow isn’t promised. So let’s enjoy the time with the folks we care about the most, and live like there is no tomorrow WHILE being present in the present. 

love. all ways. always.