It's clear I've been on a wave of growth & healing the last couple of months. Therapy can be a daunting endeavor. It has been eye opening for sure. It's helping me to overcome issues that I knew that were there & some that are an underlying issue that I didn't know was there. Last nite I had a session & it was really intense. We talked about a situation that has basically curated me into who I am now. Long story short, I didn't get to graduate from high school when I was supposed to. I received my diploma two months after the fact; and I had to go to Day Adult that summer because I couldn't pass the math section of a state standardized test.
My therapist was asking me how that made me feel. The fact that I wasn't able to graduate with my class, also that my graduation was on my 18th birthday. I couldn't necessarily celebrate either one. I told her that I was hurt, disappointed, & embarrassed. I have the bad habit of not processing things. But, not processing that life changing event...has spilled over into my adulthood. It has caused me to feel like I'm not able to accomplish anything or I'll start something but not finish. Alotta incompletions I mentioned last nite. And, hearing it aloud hurt.
12 years ago this happened & it's still affecting me. I guess in a sense...I feel that I'm not good enough to be in some spaces. I work so hard!!! it seems like it's never enough or things never work out. So because of that...it has drastically caused my confidence & self esteem to be low. I never think this deep into it. Therapy has caused me to digg so much more into my self conscious; and thoroughly understand what the root of these problems are. At this point I guess I'm vulnerable & I have to revel in it. I'm doing my best not to run away from my feelings anymore. The one thing I'm good at is running away or compressing issues so deep down that I don't have to deal with it.
So, I guess the lingering question is: how do I move on from this? I don't know. I suppose the first step should be to acknowledge that this is a major issue that has affected me for years. The next step would be to understand that I deserve success & I'm capable of obtaining success. Then act on it. It's not so simple in my mind tho.
For so long I have felt like a failure. I know that I'm not. But, when things keep falling apart & you're drastically tryna keep it together? Where do you go from there? It creates a negative mindset that I'm not good enough or the thought that I don't deserve greatness.
I just wanna do better and be better. It's so crazy that situations you thought weren't that serious...ARE THAT SERIOUS and can affect you for years without even acknowledging the trauma you went through in that moment. Today I vow to dedicate some time to process all of this. Cuz it's a lot. Healing is hard but its necessary....
