Panera

It's like my sleeping pattern is all outta whack. I can sleep all day and still wake up and be tired. I guess this is what depression looks like. Some days are better than others. I hate that one day I can be okay and the next I doubt my existence just from one thing going wrong. Today I'm not sure how I feel. Currently doing laundry, cleaning up my room and attempting to lift my spirits. Going to meet up with someone later who was once heavily important to me. We speak every once in awhile. I met her when I was around 14/15. Now I'm 29. Crazy how time flies, right?

Throughtout my teenage years and early 20s, she was my mentor/big sis  She's married with a kid. A lot has changed over the years and I guess life has somewhat gotten in the way. I moved away for 4 years and I came back to the city last August. Needless to say, I don't really keep in contact with anyone anymore. I literally stay to myself and mind my business. Anyway. I got a text last night when I woke up outta my sleep. "Hey love, I've been thinking about you for the last two days and I pray all is well. When can I see you?" I responded tomorrow.

So, today we're linking up at Panera. I'm not sure how this gonna go. I hope I don't have an emotional breakdown. 😟 Ironically, I'm always everyone's "baby". Lol. So, in her eyes I hope she can see I'm no longer the teenager she met back in 2004.

I'm an adult that is currently struggling and dealing with a lot. I'm hoping she also has some time to spare and doesn't have to rush off. I just need to be loved on, even if it's momentarily. She's one of those people that I'll always admire because  whether she knows it or not; she has help mold me into the woman I am today. Even if I feel some type of way or sad because we don't talk as much as we used to...I'll always love her. ALWAYS ➡️ ALL WAYS.

Most relationships that I have maintained for many years are like that. I used to feel some type of way for the longest about why I don't talk to certain folks for an extended period of time. But, the older I get I understand that, LIFE 👏🏽 HAPPENS!

Sometimes or if not often, we go thru shit. Sometimes we don't have anything to say. Sometimes it just it what it is.

Sidenote: I should really pray today. My heart is heavy and I feel unbalanced. Unfortunately, that's almost every day for me...😢

Lemme go ahead and claim it: One day in the near future I WILL find peace again...

30 Blues

I'm back at it, like I never left!

SIKE!!!

No, but forreal...I turn 30 in a month. My mind, thoughts, spirit, and energy is everywhere. I think of everything I need to do. It's almost like I'm in a never ending cycle of dysfunction. Turning 30? I know it's a blessing. But, yoooooooo...I do not have my shit together. I'm beginning to wonder if I ever will. Literally the last 6 years, that's all I've been doing. Always working trying to make shit shake.
Clearly that's not enough tho...

The question is... how do I embrace this chapter I'm about to enter? I can't keep doing the same thing or have the same type of mind set. Is there some type of guideline or rulebook that can outline turning 30? Cuz I'm excited but also nervous...

Darkness

Sitting here in the dark. My blinds are still open. I went to the library today to apply for jobs and just to get out of the house. When I left, I planned on going to deposit some money at the bank and going to get my dad a birthday card. However, as I got closer to home I noticed one of my indicators was on in my car. An orange one to be exact. So of course in true millennial style I googled it and tried to find out what that means. Apparently something is wrong with my emissions. In that moment, I was triggered. I just replaced my car battery and 2 tires within the last month. I became sad because I'm automatically thinking the worse. I sat in the car for a minute and then trekked my way upstairs. I got in bed and have been there ever since...and that was about 2pm or so. It may not seem like a big deal but it is. I'm so tired. Emotionally and mentally exhausted. I just want to catch a break. It's a weird space to be in. I battle with depression and anxiety every day. I'm functioning, but that in itself is tiresome....