Missin’ U

It’s been a week since you’ve been gone and I’m still in disbelief. I hate feeling like this. A piece of me is gone & it’s never coming back. I get why people say, “My condolences, or I’m sorry for your loss.” doesn’t mean anything. I totally understand now. Those sentiments do not make me feel any better, it still makes me want to burst out in tears. Your memorial is coming up & I’m dreading it. Not ready to say goodbye. Another part of me is ready, just so I can properly grieve how I need to. Grieving/mourning feels A LOT like depression, & that’s not a place I want to be. For the longest time it’s been just us... me, my mom, my gma, & my sister. Now you’re gone & idk what to do or how to feel. They say grief is ongoing & everyone deals with it differently. It is definitely a large blow to me personally. I will say that today has been the easiest day of the week. I’ve been a little bit more talkative & cool to be around. I know the pain of you being gone will never go away but hopefully it gets easier. I keep looking at your pictures thinking man you were mean, but also super sweet (when you wanted it to be, lol). You were indeed a sour patch kid. You loved us to the best of of your ability. Sometimes you went all the way left, but I believe your heart was in the right place. I’m thankful for the prayers from people that are close to me. Day by day, it gets slightly easier. 

love. all ways. always.

👑 ALB for life.

ALB

It’s been 4 days since you’ve been gone and I still can’t wrap my mind around it. I always knew this day would come, but in the back of my mind I’ve always thought you were invincible... cuz you are high key a superhero. I can’t fathom all of the things you went thru... all of the things you witnessed in your 89 years. You can never really prepare yourself for death... it just comes and unfortunately it’s a natural part of life. I’m not necessarily thinking of negative stories of you and I. I’m moreso thinking about how I lost my grandmother. The woman that helped raised me. All the images that come to mind are from 4 days ago. Your body laying there and being ice cold when I gave you a kiss on the forehead. Anne Laura is and was a beast. Very complicated woman who definitely had a mean streak. But, I think that comes from the era she grew up in. Parents/grandparents often do the best they can with what they’re given. I loved hearing her talk about my granddaddy and all of her side hustles back in the day. How she wanted all of us to be well off and doing good in life. This wave of grief/sadness is overwhelming to the point that it makes me numb. I have alotta feelings. Not really ill feelings but just the disbelief that she’s gone. I wish that I would’ve went to see her more. But I just couldn’t see her in such an ailing/fragile state. It hurt my soul to see her like that. I’ll forever miss her saying, “Well hey there Trice. I’m happy to see you.” Whenever I would pop up on her. Seeing her on that gurney is haunting me. I pray that her soul is in heaven. I’m beyond sad. No one anything says to me will make me feel better. My last living grandparent is gone. We all knew it was a matter of time. Years ago, I remember you talking about it and your funeral arrangements. I would tune you out cuz I didn’t want to think about you dying. And yet, here we are. I have pretty good memories of you. Me taking you to the doctor, grocery store, our random phone calls. Also when I was little you taking me to Burger King and letting me get a whopper with cheese (cuz I couldn’t have cheese when I was younger. 🙄😩). All the times I got in trouble and you told my mama don’t mess with me.😂 you always asking me if I’ve eaten when I’d pop up at your house. The fact that you always asked if I had a boyfriend, which will forever be hilarious to me cuz you loved to gossip. Anne Laura, I’m hurting right now. But I know you’ve been hurting for YEARS. That alone doesn’t ease my pain. There’s so many things to say, but none of it really matters because I can’t tell you. My 4’11 little lady. Whew...

Not gonna say goodbye but more of a ‘see ya later.’ I know you’re watching over me & I hear you saying not to be sad & to stop crying but I can’t help it. It’s been rough going thru everyday life the last 4 days. All I can think of is you being gone. You loved us so hard. You went hard for everybody. Even when you were being crazy. It’s in our DNA to be strong. Although I can’t be strong enough to deal with this but I’ll do my best for you. 

Anyone who reads this, I just ask that you pray for my family & I. ❤️