Posted up in the cut waiting to clock out from work and go home. I’ve had alotta idle time while working this morning, which means I’ve been thinking. The last week or so has been turmoil for me, moreso mentally and emotionally. I suppose physically too, because my body has been hurting non stop. When my body hurts like this it’s stress and anxiety. Today is the first morning in about 2 weeks that I kinda feel okay. I know that’s only from God and the people in my life that are genuinely praying for me. I need it. Some days are better than others. The last month has been extremely difficult. One of my good friend’s pointed out that I’m currently dealing with trauma, which that’s actually accurate af. I lost my grandmother due to bladder cancer, I have disheartening images of her on a gurney, tryna be there/support my mom… all while my sibling is being an ignorant jack ass on social media AND in real life. So yes, it’s been a doozy. I don’t wanna trip anymore… my birthday is coming up in 6 days and I don’t wanna go into 33 being incredibly depressed. I wanna get back into some type of normalcy. I suppose I should continue taking my own advice, “day by day.” I’ve realized that I have to be gentle with myself and offer myself grace, considering that everything is affecting me at the moment. I hate when someone asks me, “Are you ok?” I REALLY wanna say, “🗣 NO NIGGA, I’m not okay… I’m fucking depressed… stop talking to me.” But I can’t…
That’s why I’ve been doing my best to reach out to my friends that know me well. Because they know (for the most part) what patterns are, especially when I shut down. I honestly hate shutting down, because my caring bone goes away. I ignore texts, phone calls, and any other type of communication. Trust me, it’s not intentional… it’s how I cope. And unfortunately, when I shut down… it does more harm than good. But when you’re in that deep dark hole of depression… you literally want to be left alone. You feel numb, hopeless, discouraged, disconnected and overwhelmingly sad. It’s a hard to bounce back. So not only am I dealing with depression & anxiety… but I have to adult daily too??? LISSSSEEEENNNN. I don’t have time. I have too many goals to accomplish this year for the nonsense. But, remember the word GRACE? Gotta give myself enough grace and space (hey, that rhymes 😉) to grieve how I need to and feel how I need to, without being too hard on myself or feeling guilty. It’s just hella emotions tied into one, so forgive me if I’m rambling. Moral of the story is… today… this morning… I feel God’s grace and some type of peace. I am humbly grateful that my inner circle is praying for me, cuz I desperately need it. My angels are looking over me. I know they are cuz I feel it. It’s still hard to cope, but I’m making it thru. If you read this, I’m still asking for prayer/positive thoughts/good energy. I’m just thankful that today is better than what it has been…
