NOLA

It's my last day in New Orleans. Of course I'm up earlier than my friends. I've taken a shower and about to gather my things so that I won't have to try and scurry and get em together later. Our flight doesn't leave until 330pm. We have to be checked out by 12, so we have a little time. As I'm sitting here reflecting....I'm not sure how to feel. I don't think 30 has hit me just yet. I thought that it did, but it hasn't.

This trip has been fun. Interestingly enough, I thought it would be a lot more turnt than what it was. 😂 I mean, my friends and I were pretty much on the same wave. We took the necessary naps, got drunk everyday, and most DEFINITELY ate good. I think it's just a vital break for all of us. So now, after 4 days of not having to give a fuck about anything...I'm headed home back to reality. 😔

On my actual birthday, I got some news which started off good and then ended up bad. It rocked my world that day. I've been doing my best not to dwell on it too much, because I know that everything happens for a reason. It just sux because I really wanted the situation to work out. With that being said, I'm hesitant to go back home cuz I don't want bad things to keep happening. Sounds crazy, right? Well, in my head it makes sense. LOL.

Realistically, I gotta go harder than ever before. Because now? Time is of the essence. And, I have to know that one bad result on my birthday shouldn't represent the rest of my 30s being terrible.

Last 29

Currently out a bar...had a terrible drink, mini tacos, and cheese cubes. My last 15 minutes as a 29 year old. I feel calm. A sense of peace, also excitement. I'm not sure what the chapter of my 30s will hold...but I'm hoping it will be amazing. When I was younger, I always imagined what my life would be like at 30. And, I'm doing nothing like I imagined. I'm okay with that. I'm understanding that timing is everything. I've taken hella losses in this chapter I'm about to close. But, I've also learned a lot as well.

So, cheers to this new chapter. I'm praying I continue to make lemonade with lemons. Embrace everything that's thrown at me....the good, the bad, the ugly. Meanwhile, learn how not to worry and stress less. Continue to work on a better me...so that I can be the best version of myself possible. I like who I am. So, with that being said....cheers to a new chapter!

LOVE.

Things...

I am a tomboy. I always have been and always will be. However, I know how to dress when need be. Because I'm always working or going to school...my attire has always been jeans, hoodies, tshirts, and tennis shoes. That's just where I'm comfortable. I don't have to change who I am or how I dress for anyone. I've always lived by that. Even though I can dress up when need be...I'm still self conscious. I hate shopping and I only do when I have to. I lowkey get anxiety going shopping. As I've gotten older, its gotten a little better. I'm normally in and out. I despise going to multiple stores, browsing or even going window shopping. It's hella annoying.

It's crazy that I say that because that's actually what I did today when I got off work. LOL. Last minute preparation for my birthday trip next week. I really need clothes in general, esp for the summer. My wardrobe is limited. 🤷🏽‍♀️ I'm proud of myself tho. I went to at least 4 stores and bought some stuff. Luckily some of the things I got was on sale. The last couple of years I've been attempting to step out of my comfort zone. Like wearing more dresses, bolder colors, and more tightness. 😉 So, this time around was no different. I got some shirts, a dress, a romper and a couple of pairs of shorts. Pretty good, right?

I thought so. 🙃 I realize tho when I try on clothes that I'm def self conscious. my legs are beat up, I have body acne, I feel fat, cellulite etc. I just feel uncomfortable in general. But, I fight thru the negative feelings and buy what I like. Breaking comfort zones is hard. Anyway. I come home
to lay everything on my bed, try my stuff on, and see what's what. I'm pretty happy with all I purchased.

I harrassed my mom and she just started the nonsense. Asking me how much weight I lost, telling me how I need to wear my clothes and just being overly obnoxious. I guess it hurts my feelings that she never says anything positive. She ALWAYS points out the obvious. Thanks, ma...I know I've picked up weight, I know my face is broken out etc. It might not seem like a big deal to others but to me it hurts. And makes it look like my mom is from hateration nation.

Like I said previously, I'm already self conscious...and my mom saying all this shit doesn't help me. Ultimately it's how about I feel about myself. Just lemme be great, damn!!!!

Despite all that I know what I'm capable of and I feel comfortable with what I bought. It's for me and not her. I'm just proud of myself that I'm breaking my norm. But, I'll always feel safe in some jeans, chucks, and a hoodie. LOL.

Self Care

Oh man, subconsciously the lessons are rolling in. I just watched this Breakfast Club interview with Jennifer Lewis and she was dropping major gems. I gotta get her book. There have been a couple of books that I've read that are inspiring. But, man...did she drop some wisdom! I'm thinking of self care and how important it is. From having "do nothing days", cleaning, vibin' out to music, being quiet, reading, exercise, sleeping, meditating and even journaling. Whatever brings you peace or joy...do it.

It's difficult for me tho. Because I don't know where to start. There's so much that I want to do! One thing that has been heavy on my mind is taking a boxing class. We get so caught up in everyday life, it's hard to keep the balance and check in with yourself. Especially since I'm critical of myself. What's going right, what's going wrong or what I could've done better. It's an everyday struggle. I just have to figure out the best method for me. What makes me happy? What brings me joy? (Besides traveling, concerts, and sleeping 🙃).

I feel compelled to figure it out. The only person that looks out for me is ME. And, I just want to be the best version of myself possible. It feels like a daunting task. However, if I want to be the best version of myself...I gotta go thru the fire and really put that work in. A part of me is scared and the other part is ready...

Almost 30 revelations....

Draining

Social media is many things these days. It's draining and sometimes even toxic. Its entertainment, messiness, drama, heartache, but most of all distraction. Distraction from everyday life. I did a brief social media detox. I lasted a week and a half. LOL. I have FOMO ➡️ fear of missing out. Missing out on what, I don't know. Because everytime I logon...its just the same people talking about the same shit. I'm feeling like I'll get rid of Facebook & Instagram, and possibly keep Twitter. Who knows. I'm still getting over this breakup and everytime I see this dude post something I automatically get in my feelings. SMH.

Even now, the reason I'm so active is because my birthday is coming up. I just wanna get my wishes and get ghost. 😂

A lot more on my mind but I just have to keep the end goal in front of me. Social media is distracting and I'm hoping soon I'll feel ready enough to take a much needed hiatus, and won't fear that I'm missing out anything. Because realistically I'm not...🤷🏽‍♀️

Slow Ya Roll

I'm in a weird space. I don't feel like I should have to explain anything to anyone. If I don't want to talk to you, then it is what it is. I'm learning how to say no, and be okay with anything that doesn't serve me purpose. So many things I wanna do. I just don't know where to begin. It's an exciting but nervewrecking time for me. Some days are better than others. One day the world seems like it's my oyster and I'm capable of accomplishing magical things. Then the next I'm doubting myself and self sabotage comes into play. However, in the end I just wanna be happy and work on becoming a better me...

I just gotta slow my roll. Embrace each moment for what it is. And also understand that life isn't all bad...even when it seems like it.

LOVE.

Amusement

I'm so amused right now. I'm getting on my mom's nerves. It's past time for me to go. I moved back to the city almost a year ago. I haven't lived or stayed with someone in almost 8 years. My relationship with my mom has been an interesting one throughout my 20s. Her and my dad did role reversal. My dad stepped up to the plate and has been the father I've need in all aspects. He's always been around but he came forefront when I was 22. He's legit my 65 year old best friend. My mom on the other hand has been in the shadows attempting to get her life together and live the best way she knows how.

With that being said, I never ask for anything from her or my other family members. Because I know even if I needed help, they're struggling on their on and wouldn't have anything to give. So, I've had the mindset of getting things done on my own...no matter how hard it is. In retrospect I think that has put a strain on our relationship. Before I moved back to the city I didn't talk to her that often. She would have somewhat of an attitude because I didn't contact her as much as I should. Or because I was struggling and didn't say anything.

Fast forward to last August, I moved in with her. It hasn't been all bad. But, it's time to go. It's not like I'm out here being reckless...partying, drinking, or being disrespectful in her house. I JUST NEED MY OWN. The fear of being kicked out or her growing tired of me plagues me daily. Of course that's my mother and she's not gonna see me on the street. I'm just hella paranoid. And after an eviction scare almost a month ago, I'm definitely ready to dip.

She doesn't let me know what's going on with her. When I ask questions, she acts like she's annoyed that I'm actually concerned with what's going on. Since the moment she told me that they were "trying" evict her...our dynamic has changed drastically. You don't tell me anything? Cool. I won't tell you anything either. Petty? Yes.

But, I'm down tryna worry about her. Nothing surprises me anymore. I love her til the end of this world but I can no longer be comfortable in this space. My peace has been threatened in many different ways. At least in my own space...I can control my energy, what I allow into my space and I know how my finances are.

Currently busting moves and doing what needs to be done for the sake of my livelihood. I love my mama. I do my best not to judge her and just let her be. But, it's easy to see why I distanced myself not only from her,I but other people as well...