In real life tho

In real life tho... (one of my favorite sayings)...

I’m struggling at the moment. My anxiety is kicking my ass. The balance between being in the present and being overly focused on the future is heavy on my mind. My mouth is dry, thoughts are every where, and I’m overthinking the scattered thoughts in my brain. Not sure if it’s from legit my anxiety or the 2 Pepsi’s I drank... or if it’s a combination of both. Some days are better than others, and other times it’s a moment like this. Lil Duval once tweeted to sum’n like, “People really like finding stuff to worry/stress about.” I think that’s true to a certain extent. I legit can’t help it. Even on medication... it’s a struggle. 

Pretty much all is well in my life... I honestly can not complain. On the flip side... I am overwhelmed mentally and emotionally. I’m doing my best not to let it take over. I keep telling myself to just breathe and think of other positive thoughts, I can’t. All that takes over is how exhausted/depleted of energy I am, how much I shouldn’t be sleeping, the to do list I need to make, the guilt of not staying for the constant overtime of my job, and how much I desperately want to just disappear for a while. In real life tho, none of this matters. Still gotta put on a somewhat happy smile and go about life. 

Some people say that I have a certain calm & peaceful energy about myself; which I can appreciate the sentiment. But, if they only knew the turmoil I go through internally on a daily basis. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I’ve always had anxiety. ALWAYS. However, as I’ve gotten older... it has become 10x worse. At times it almost feels paralyzing to my spirit... because I know it’s not normal. Le sigh.

143 x 2

Love. A lot of people use it loosely these days. Love is an emotion to be felt in an unconditional manner with no stipulations. If I have ever said,’I love you’ to someone, I genuinely mean it. I always say that you could meet someone yesterday and love them today like you’ve known them your whole life. I know because I’ve felt it more times than once in my life. At my big age of 32, we have no time to play games. NONE. More women are going after what they want in life. Not so much women, but EVERYONE. Life is precious. 2020 has been kicking ass and taking names. And with that being said, I don’t have time for the Tom foolery that folks are on. 

But, on the flip side of that... I’ve also learned a major lesson this year. Which is to: 🗣 USE YOUR WORDS. I’m not a mind reader and I’m definitely not going to attempt to do so or read between the lines. We’re too grown!!! Mature people communicate effectively and that’s a hard lesson I had to learn. But, I’m extremely glad that I did. How does someone know how you feel, unless you tell them? You hurt me. That made me upset. I don’t like that. All examples (not good examples) of USING YOUR WORDS. This weekend I had to put my big girl drawz on and take my own advice. It was definitely a conversation that was uncomfortable for me to have, but it needed to be said. I did my best to be patient, understanding, with the intent of a strong listening ear. I can sometimes come off as an asshole when I’m tryna get my point across, but in that moment I HAD to be vulnerable. And needless to say, I’m glad I was able to break down a wall and get what I needed. I’m still processing. Like WOW... do you see what can happen when you communicate effectively? We don’t know, unless we ask. I’m proud of myself. But, I’m also kind of nervous. This isn’t a place I’ve been before so I’m taking it seriously and lightly at the same time. I now have someone’s heart in my hands... and it’s a big deal. He trusts me enough to love him unconditionally through it all. I’m honest enough to say I don’t wanna fuck anything up or have him do the same. But, it’s life. No one is perfect. All we can do is give our best, and USE OUR WORDS effectively. 143.

love. all ways. always. 

Elevatorz

It’s 6:20 and I’m sitting on the dock, impatiently waiting for 7 to hit so I can go to the break room and chillax. The last couple of days have been crazy... but crazy in a good way. However, the last month and half has been filled with stress, anxiety, and an alarming amount of worries. This weekend was worth it all. I stepped out of my norm, my comfort zone and my bubble to throw my bf a surprise party. When I say that this is the most stressed I have been a long time? ! Baybeh!!!! The struggle was real. But, to see his reaction... it was amazing. All of my effort, time, planning (and money) was worth it. I never wanna do that shit again... cuz certain days of the week I just wanted to say FUCK IT ALL. Lol. 

I was so happy that everything came together how it should, and the surprise wasn’t blown. 

I didn’t realize how anal and OCD stricken I was until planning this event. 🤦🏽‍♀️ 🤷🏽‍♀️ I’m just glad I start/plan things way ahead of time... just in case shit gets real. To see him ridiculously happy made me happy. Luckily my friends were there, as well as my Pops... which was a relief because I have anxiety. I had been praying hard that it would turn out great and it did! The relief I felt afterwards is/was unmatched. I was like yes, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!! In the process of planning, it did feel like I was giving too much of myself away because I was so obsessed with making this event a success. So now it is time to get back to me and focus on what’s really important. 

I did this party, not only for him but for myself too. Stepping outside of bubble. Being all in for an introvert was definitely a difficult task but I made it happen. I wanted him to experience something he’s never had before. I wanted people to show up and show love, because he often does that for everyone else. I wanted him to have a good time, even if it was just for the night. He deserved that. We all do. With so much going on these days, you gotta love on people when and while you can. Ain’t no shame in my game. Appreciate folks while you can. Whether it’s a small gesture or a grand gesture, it doesn’t take much to love on someone. A hug, a text, positive words of affirmation or even some food.... it goes a long way. 

love. all ways. always.