Scaredy Cat

And another one...*DJ Khaled voice*

That’s what I think when I wake up in the morning. Doing my best to continue taking it day by day. My anxiety is still on 100, pretty much all the time but I’m pushing thru. I had the realest epiphany yesterday. I am... scared. I often talk about the person I want to become, but, in actuality I’m afraid. I’m afraid of undoing/unbecoming of everything I am to become who I’m destined to be. Maybe all these trials & tribulations this year is literally to help me undo my current self & becomebetter. To get rid of my negative neuropaths & to build new ones. Possibly to take better care of myself...etc.  The thought in itself is beyond terrifying & overwhelming. Like the idea of wanting to be better & do better is GREAT. But, realistically it’s not that easy. I guess the key is consistency & discipline, which is where I lack in a major way. But, I just have to keep reminding myself day by day. Literally day by day... because if I think too ahead into the future I begin to spiral. I’m slowly recognizing this about myself. Also, I’m realizing that I need to create boundaries. We’re 8 months into the year & I can honestly say so far... 2019 has been a doozy. I can’t lie tho... part me still wants to disassociate myself from the world & go MIA. The other part of me is beginning to understand that timing is EVERYTHING. And maybe everything that I’ve been going thru the last 10 years for this particular moment. I’ll always be a scaredy cat in a sense, but I have a little bit of peace knowing that trouble don’t last always. Not only that, but if I’ve been down... the only way to go is up. 

LOVE. 

No pants

This diagnosis is real. I’m really doing my best to stay sane. But some days are better than others and some are just... heavy. Currently at work on the verge of tears. It feels like a wave turning into a sea of emotions coming over me. I can’t necessarily explain this sadness. I’m tired of fighting. I just wanna succumb to it all. I’m not okay but yet I have to pretend to be. I hate that my emotions are all on my face. I have people in my life that love, support, and pray for me/with me. But, I feel like I’m draining them and that’s a heavy burden to bear. Because I know my current state causes them to worried and be concerned. 

In this moment, I feel like I could just walk outta work and never come back. However, I know I can’t do that... cuz your bills don’t care if you’re depressed or not. I still have to pay my rent, electric bill, phone bill etc. I just wanna be in seclusion and stay there. I’ve already shut down within the last 2 weeks, which made one of my good friends come two days in row...banging on my door and calling me non stop. Of course I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone or see anyone. I’m doing my damnest not to go back there. But I really want to... I desperately want to. Seclusion feels like my best friend at the moment. It all feels too heavy. I just wanna gohome, have no pants on with a comforter over my head and be in the dark. 
Pray for me... please