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I despise holidays. Thanksgiving is 32 days away. (I just googled that. 🙄) Holidays make me extremely sad. It's been that way the last 6 years or so. It reminds me that I don't "really" have a family. I have my mama and my grandma...that's pretty much it. Sometimes I wish I had a kid, so I could have my own little family and start my own traditions. I guess I don't technically need my own family to start my own traditions. 🤔

Anyway. Every year on Thanksgiving & Christmas I ALWAYS feel some type of way. I'm normally be by myself. A couple of times folks have told me I can come over there place to kick it or whatnot. But, I rather not. I prefer my solitude because I don't wanna have to explain why I'm sad or attempt to make it make sense. This year I have my own space. So, I'll prolly be cold hard chillin.

I can't explain the feelings of emptiness that occur on holidays. It's almost as if sadness consumes me. But, I'm definitely happy that I can be in my own solitude this year and feel how I need to, without explaining to anyone. I'll have some easy food on deck, my favorite movies, and some drink (red cup chronicles).

My ultimate goal would be to travel on the holidays....but, the way my pockets are set up. 🙁 So instead, I'll be happy just to be back in my own space this year. That's a blessing in itself...

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I've cried more tears within the last week more than I have in years. That in itself speaks volumes. I am emotionally, mentally & physically spent. I am hurt. I am tired of being tired. I am frustrated. I am depleted of everything. Everytime I think I am ok...I get blindsided by some bullshit.

I think years of holding shit in is FINALLY catching up with me. I am currently sitting in the library attempting to apply for jobs, but, I'm not in the right head space. All I can think about is how embarrassed I am...after having a major anxiety attack at work. I'm the type to never want people in my business unless I want you to be, I pretty much stay to myself. Even when I'm going through it, I put on a mask and push forward even when I don't know how. I'm not proud of that, but it's how I've conditioned myself over the years. I get tired, weak, weary, and I just keep going. Because in the moment all I can think about is how I am going to reach my goal. 

Depression is rearing its ugly head. I feel it and I'm fighting it hard. I'm a fighter, I can't just succumb to sadness. Anxiety already has the best of me...I refuse to let anything else take me down. When you've been in survival mode for so long...specifically the last 10 years...all you know how to do is fight. I am in a really weird space. It seems as though God is really stirring up a ruckus in my spirit. My issues/problems that I haven't dealt with are coming out loud & proud. Lil bih, ain't nobody got time for this!!!!!!

In reality, it's time. It is time for me to unlearn all of my dysfunctional behavior, patterns, and destructive ways of coping with my problems. I'm functioning with depression & anxiety. I have been for years. I am scared. I don't know how or where to begin. All I know is that I'm exhausted of everything. I've been carrying a burden for entirely too long. 

How do you become happy after being unhappy for so long? I understand happiness is a choice....but uh, I can't see it because I'm lost in a fog of my own madness. What's crazy is...I will whole heartedly admit that I'm a super cool, laid back, chill type of person. For those that don't REALLY don't know me...could never fathom me going thru all this shit internally. With that being said, I guess I put on a good facade. 🙃 I just want to be okay. I just wish I had someone's hand to hold in the process...💔

Everyone goes thru their own struggles. Everyone has their own paths & their own journey. Well this is mine and I'm well aware I'ma have to put in some major work. This life isn't meant to be saturated with sadness, constantly being worried or always overthinking shit. 

Whoever reads this...please pray for me. Any encouragement or positivity is always welcome. 

LOVE. always. all ways.