No Say...

I am muthafuckin' ti'ed of hearing NO. It's as if I've been hearing it nonstop the last 3 years. I can usually brush it off and keep it moving. But, today? I'm just ready to give someone or something the "suck it" gesture. I applied for this position at work, and didn't get it. I kinda had a feeling that I didn't. However, the way management has been playing with our emotions got me all the way fucked up. I just wanna catch a break. Can something amazing happen to me? Can I get out of this hole I'm in? How do you keep pushing yourself to be great or even be econcouraged; when all you hear is NO?

I'm over it. As frustrated as I am, I gotta keep going in whatever I do. Because being upset isn't going to get me anywhere. Currently I have a case of the fuck its. All I wanna do is get some Talenti Caramel Crunch ice cream and eat my chinese food that I ordered earlier...

I just need a hug or preferably some bomb ass 🍆. That ain't gonna happen so I'll just eat my food & punch the air like Cuba Gooding Jr in Boyz In Da Hood...😤

PM

7:00pm....

I just got done watching Blockers. It was pretty funny. I wanted to see it when it first came out, but never did. But, I enjoyed it...might even get it on DVD. Currently thinking about things. I'm primarily focused on my finances at this moment. So many things I need to do, in order to get out of this hole I'm in. I'm just tired. TIRED...of many things. Tired of being sad, stressed, hopeless, frustrated, worried, and anxious. Although, I'm still attempting to keep my head above water...it's difficult.

As of lately, I have been throwing myself into doing overtime at my job to keep me busy & knocking out some goals. As well as applying to other jobs. One step at a time, I suppose...

Zone'd

I am numb. I am numb to the bullshit. I literally feel nothing. I've somehow put my myself in isolation. I get off work and I do nothing. I'm in bed by 830 or 9 at the latest. I'm not necessarily putting on a facade. I'm indifferent to everything. Per usual...I'm in a weird space.

I'm still doing my best to knock out my short term goal list while going through the storm. Depression is...needing to be productive but not having the energy to do so. It is feeling everything and nothing at the same time. It is still trying to be encouraging for the people or person that needs it. It is knowing that you need to better but just can't....

Hmm..

I miss him.

I miss his support.

I miss his friendship.

I miss our corny jokes.

I miss our banter.

I miss his sincerity.

I miss his hugs.

I miss the excitement I got when you were coming to town.

I miss the reassurance.

I miss us.

I miss you.

I digress...

It's crazy how in a matter of a week your whole mood can change. I have triggers. And, almost anything can set me off. It'll make me doubt everything that's going right in my life. I know & I'm still learning that mental health is no joke. Of course everyone goes through the "motions' or "feels some type of way" every once in awhile. But, when you feel like you can't shake it? I have bouts where I'm good for about 6 months or so and then depression will be hit me like a wave. You don't know or when it will come...it just does. Anxiety? I suffer heavily. My upper body tenses up and its painful. I'm unable to turn my brain off. I'm constantly worrying and overanalyzing. Most don't know how it feels to CONSTANTLY deal, cope or function with these issues.

Realistically, I think I've suffered with depression for about 10 years or so. I never acknowledged it, until the last 3 years. Can't lie...It's been beyond difficult. My 20s have been a doozy. My ultimate goal is to catch a break. Someone mentioned to me that I've been in survival mode for for the longest and I have yet to process everything I've been thru. My family house was foreclosed on when I was 19 while I was in college. In the process, my mom had gotten locked up, my dad disowned me. I came home and a made a drastic decision to move in with my aunt. She put out in a month (2007). I moved to Atlanta for about a year (2008). I couldn't get shit poppin, so I made another drastic decision, which was to join the military (2009). I came back home to Indianapolis to officially enlist. That was about 6 months. Got injured in bootcamp and they sent my ass packing. Came back home and lived with my grandma for almost 2 years. (2010). She got tired of me and said she wanted me out. I moved in with my sister and that was the worst decision ever. The environment was toxic and detrimental. That time was when I was heavily depressed and contemplating suicide. (2010-2011).

So, things came to a head when I found out my sister was moving. I decided to get my own place and luckily everything planned out. I was working part time, going to school full time, and enjoying my new peace. (2011-2013). After I graduated, I decided to start from scratch and apply to a couple universities to pursue my undergrad degree in Aviation Management. I got into a school that was an hr away. I was by myself. None of my family ever came to visit me and I was there 4 years. I just moved back home last year. While I was there I did my damnest of tryna make it thru. Moving twice. Working 2-3 jobs to pay off a semester so I could pay off my balance. BY 👏🏽 MYSELF👏🏽 (2013-2017). Unfortuantely, I was there for 4 years and still was unable to finish my degree.

I've always done my best to not complain with the hand I've been dealt. Because there are so many people in the world that are going thru worse shit. Although, I have strong shoulders...I'm worn down. For the most part, people think I have it handled because I keep alotta things to myself. But, in reality I've struggled for a long time. To feel like you're always alone shouldn't be a normal thing.

I was recently told that I have dysfunctional behavior and that I can be overwhelming negative. I thought, "ME? Nah, couldn't be." And, I was lightweight hurt. But, it's TRUE! idk how to be otherwise. It's almost as if I'm thinking the worst. I guess it's because I'm so used to things not going right; that even when I'm positive or hope for the best things still go south. So, it's kinda like...what's the point?

Being a fresh 30, I don't wanna continue this cycle of being depressed and anxious all the time. Or have an "oh, woah is me pity party". But, clearly just because you turn a new number doesn't mean shit will change. I'm still hurt. My demons are still plaguing me. I'm still heartbroken.

I don't like necessarily talking about my issues because...it seems like nowadays it's so cliché. but, shit is real and hard!!!!!!!! To continuously make moves for the better and things never pan out?!?!?! God, what are you trying to tell me?

Listen Linda, all I wanna do is find my peace. Jennifer Lewis said on her recent breakfast club interview that, "I used to look for the sun, NOW I am the sun." I feel that!!!!!!!!!! I'm not looking for any empathy cuz everyone has their own journey to experience. I just want to shake all of this negativity that's burdening me. And clearly its gonna take a helluva lot to do so...

But, I digress....

Go Gina

In this moment I am proud of myself. It's the little things that mean the most. Two days ago I made a list of my short term goals, as well as my long term. I figured it would be better writing them out vs. having everything jumbled in my mind. All of my goals are definitely feasible. I just have to be disciplined enough to conquer them. I feel like I'm in a different head space. I guess because I know that time waits for no one. And, if I want to live my best life or make changes...I can't keep waiting around. The only person/thing that's in my way is ME.

I understand that now. I'm beyond exhausted of struggling and taking L's. With that being said, I'm ready. I'm taking one step at a time and I'm gonna accomplish this goal list. It's needed and necessary.

Just gotta keep pushing...