Big Age

Peace, love, and souuuullllll. Been a minute since I wrote. This is a random thought: but, for the most part I love the older people I work with. Sometimes they’re a little messy with gossip but they always drop major gems. For some reason I’ve always resonated with older people, and that’s probably why everyone calls me old. I love my blankets, I don’t mind going to bed early, and just my overall demeanor. 😂💁🏽‍♀️ I love the fact that no matter how old they are, they see the potential in me... they see I’m a good person with a good head on my shoulders. That’s always made me feel so good about myself. Cuz you know old(er) people LOVE to talk shit about the younger generation. Recently I started going to the gym after YEARS of needing it. I’m not gonna lie, it feels good to be in this space. Knowing that I am actively & diligently working on becoming the best version of myself. It’s funny tho, all the old heads I talk to are like... “Just keep going, don’t give up. You’re young. Go ahead and make it happen.” To hear them say I’m young makes me subconsciously laugh. Technically I am. At 32, I am still young. Unfortunately society dictates otherwise. My dad will be 68 in a couple of months & all he ever says is “Keep on living. Hopefully you make it to this age.” And he’s right. If not often, we think that once we hit our 30s that we’re officially old. However, that couldn’t be more further from the truth. Luckily, both my parents have good genes & I look like I’m still in my 20s. 🙏🏽 Age is definitely is a stigma & it’s really a mindset. I’m not even gonna lie, 32 has been good to me. I’ve actually enjoyed it. While in your 30s, alotta things make more sense and it’s more of... ‘I ain’t got time for the bullshit and it is what it is’ type of mindset. And I fully support it. It’s a lot more smoother, more awareness of self, & accepting things for what they are & not what you want them to be. Like my Pops said, ‘Keep on living.’ Everyday ain’t peaches and cream, but, gotta keep on moving regardless of what’s happening. In this moment, I’m grateful to be the big age of 32. Cuz people are dying now more than ever, especially in this pandemic. Slow & steady on this health journey. I’m not just tryna be summa time fine at 32, but the rest of my life. I appreciate everyone who’s keeping me encouraged, supported, & loved on. You know what? It’s love.... all ways, always. 

Take It Easy.

Ayoooooooooooooo.

It’s been awhile. It is officially Feb 1st. Of course I played ‘1st of the Month’ by Bone Thugs N Harmony on repeat several times for the culture. January kinda zoomed by. I’m happy it’s a new month... cuz it creates more opportunities to accomplish unfinished goals. I’m not gonna lie, the last couple of weeks have been extremely overwhelming. Of course I never display said worries. 🙄 I just handle it the best way I can. But, my mind, spirit, and heart are extremely heavy. Primarily because I haven’t done anything I’ve needed to do. Tbh, I’m frustrated with myself. So I’m starting off fresh this month. I’m telling myself: “Continue to take things day by day, BUT, be intentional with whatever you need to do and get accomplished.” When I get off work later this morning, I intend on buying a planner for this year. I function better when I write things down and write them out. I feel so unbelievably guilty for not accomplishing anything the last couple of weeks. All I do is come home from work, chill, sip some wine, shower, hit the cloud, and go to sleep. I suppose I feel guilty, because I know I should be more productive. But then there’s rest. I need a lot of that. Even with the pandemic going on, I really enjoy being at home and not doing anything. 🤷🏽‍♀️ It seems like the older I get, the more I’m okay with not doing anything. Even going to the grocery store has become an actual errand. In a sense, I have become complacent... a place that no one should want to be. I’m subconsciously hiding from my growth.... I don’t wanna deal with that pain. The same pain I dealt with when I was therapy. Side note: I need to take my ass back to therapy. I’m actually looking forward to it. Anyway. I always speak about becoming the best version of yourself. I’m not gonna lie... I want the easy way out. I don’t wanna put the work in. Why? Cuz the honest answer is, I’m lazy and I’m not ready. When it comes to change... we can never be quite ready. I’m the type of person that can’t necessarily ‘talk’ about it constantly. I actually have to jump in and just do it. But I’m afraid. Afraid of what? Afraid to push through the limits that will allow me to be my best self. I’ve been taking it easy. Even tho easy doesn’t get you where you need to be... it’s the comfort factor and the comfort level that allows you to become stagnant. I vowed to myself in my early 20s... that I would never become that person. Yet... here I am. Ugh! See how frustrating I feel just writing this entry. What sums it up is... and most cliché saying ever: 🗣 WHEN YOU KNOW BETTER, YOU DO BETTER. 

I’m taking the first steps... and I’m gonna do what I need to... day by day. But still give myself enough grace to know that I’m human and I will fuck up. However, I still gotta give it a strong attempt... even if I fail. 

love. all ways. always.