Janet Jackson

Controooooollll *Janet Jackson voice*

I don't know why by the word 'control' has been stuck in my mind like the last two weeks. Why? (insert Kanye shrug). Maybe it's because I am taking control over my life, or at least certain aspects. I'm becoming to realize that once you turn 30+... your fux really do go out the window. You become more self aware, you know when you're bouta participate in some fuck shit and you can actively call yourself out on it, annnnnddddd you become more settled within yourself but with the intent of consistently improving yourself. Not only that, your circle will begin to shrivel. That's not necessarily the case for me because my circle has been small. Throughout my adulthood my Pops has always told me, "Who is gon be with you, is gon be with you." Makes sense to me and it is also incredibly accurate. My mind is forever going a mile a minute and is a playground for overthinking. I can't help it...it's just the way I'm wired. However, over the last year I've gotten a lot better. Whenever I want to freak out, panic, or overthink....one of my bestest friends tells me: "We just gon go with it." I look at her and say BUT. She stares me down and says it again: "WE JUST GON GO WITH IT." So, I've adopted the policy and I'm just going with it. And with that being said...

We all have some type of dysfunctional ways and/or patterns. One of mine is self sabotage. I know I am not the only one who deals with it. I am doing my damnest to control it. I say this all the time but its so fucking true: when you are constantly rejected and things don't work it; we often become a pessimist. I'm still working through it. It is definitely a terrifying feeling. Because when something good comes into your life; whether it be an opportunity, a relationship, a job, a friendship...we become hella skeptical. Or at least that's my situation (*cue eye roll*). It is beyond hard not to self sabotage. To be honest, I am very good at it... matter of fact it should be on my resume. LISSSEENNN LINDA... the struggle is real!!! Lol. I am clear of my intentions tho and I know when I'm about to do or say some fucked up shit. CONTROOOOLLLLLL. Whew chile, Janet be knowin'. I'm not sure of how to break through this negative trait about myself. Maybe I should Google it...I'm sure an extreme about of articles will pop up.

On this Friday afternoon/early evening I am wholeheartedly admitting this to myself. The key is I am aware. I want to change it. I want to embrace all the good in my life... even if it's momentary. I don't like being a pessimist, nor self sabotaging. Never my intention... but we're all human. And with that, I vow to do better and be better ANNNNNDDDD I'ma just go with it. I'ma also be like Nike and JUST DO IT, while taking Auntie Janet's advice to CONTRROOOOLLLLL this shit. Happiness is hard, sometimes we gotta work for it,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LH8xbDGv7oY

Gratitude

Thank God. Thankful for peace. Thankful for love. Thankful for the present of being present. Thankful for stillness. Thankful for the ability to always be myself. Thankful to just be... in all capacities. It’s a new year and not too much has changed. This space I’m in feels different. Not too worried about things. Constantly learning how to entertain the gray, while taking life day by day. It honestly seems to make my life a bit easier. I have to sometimes remind myself of the things I once wanted, and they seemed so far fetched. I remember the days I used to pray for those things. Now I have them and I’m just grateful. Gratitude really goes a long way. From the smallest to the largest. Being healthy, having my own space, the ability to work, people who love me, a car, bills being paid, and just being a genuine individual. The strength I’ve had to pull from places within me that I didn’t know I had... to endure situations/experiences that felt like they were gonna kill me. Yet, I’m still standing. Gratitude, baby. The smallest things make all the difference and really helps to put life in perspective. I’m grateful to know that I’m a good person, I have a good heart, and I do my best to right by people. And the majority of my  adulthood that energy is recognized, as well as reciprocated. 

Just a moment to be grateful...