Wednesday, October 31, 2018

10/31

in this moment I am exhausted. I am emotionally & mentally depleted. My job is playing games with me. I was informed that I got a promotion almost 4 months ago. I have yet to get into this new position. My manager is playing with my livelihood. He's being manipulative, petty, & overwhelmingly selfish. So much miscommunication has happened that I get 5 steps forward & get knocked back 10 steps. I'm not only exhausted in this moment, I want to quit so bad. I want to go AWF on my manager and let my Gemini come all the way out. If this is is God's way of testing my patience....HE is doing a helluva job.

My anxiety has been triggered. I was already having doubts/reservations about this new position. But now? I just wanna throw the whole opportunity away. I shouldn't be this stressed out or frustrated over a job. I feel so many different emotions.

mad.
hurt.
frustrated.
angry.
perturbed.

ALL 👏🏽OF 👏🏽THEE 👏🏽 ABOVE

Its difficult to explain this to people. And because I wear my heart on my sleeve & feelings on my face...someone will know something is wrong. So, I just wanna be quiet. Another silent battle I have to fight. I pray that all of this waiting, fighting and being frustrated is worth it in the end....

Sunday, October 21, 2018

Da Newness

It has been 9 days since I've been back in my own crib. I worked so hard for this moment that now that it's actually here...idk how to feel about it. I'm happy but at the same time, I'm indifferent.

I've moved several times but somehow this feels like the very first. After being in Terre Haute for four years and coming back home to Indy; I'm literally starting all over again. Maybe that's why it all feels so new. 🤔 Either way, I'm just tryna embrace my new space. It's mine. I gotta pay the bills. I can come home & be nekkid. I can smoke. I can drink. Eat up all my snacks. Not clean up...if I want to. lol. I'm a whole 30 years old and it legit feels like the first time. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I guess I'll enjoy the newness of this feeling because I'm sure it'll wear off soon. Still learning how to be proud of myself and all the strides that I make, big or small.