Decompress

Like usual, I'm doing too much. My mind won't turn off or turn down. The wheels keep spinning like some 24's. Alotta good things happening. Alotta uncertainty. Alotta faith. Alotta strength. Alotta patience. Alotta exhaustion. I wish those that knew me could live inside my mind for a day. There's no way to exactly explain anxiety or how it makes someone feel. Imagine ALWAYS being worried, constantly overthinking, feeling nervous and being obsessed with choices you make. This is everyday life for me. I can't turn this shit off.

I've just learned how to function while dealing with it. How do you become free? I think I've been this way my whole life. I've always been a worry wart. It's just come full fledged in my adulthood and I never had a name for it. Working non stop, planning to move, planning trips, taking life day by da etc. Wanting/needing drastic changes in different areas of my life.... but don't know where to begin..

All of it is overwhelming. The only thing that remotely gives me peace is praying. At this point and time, I really wanna decompress, hit a beezy one time, and lowkey be a hippie that doesn't give a fuck.

but until then, I'll just vent and hope one day I'll be able to NOT overthink EVERYTHING.

Still....

It's never ending. My thoughts often control me. What did I do right? What did I do wrong? Can I fix it? The answer is NO. My past haunts me & I don't know how to move on from it. I broke someone's heart not once, but TWICE. I think about him everyday. Certain songs remind me of him. Specific spots make me feel some type of way. It's hard for me to go to Chicago now, because I know he lives there. I feel like I fucked up so terribly that I'll never find someone that to be in a relationship with again. I KNOW that's not true. 🙄 BUT, I guess I mean it in the sense that....no one will be able to relate to me like him. No one will do the things he did for me, like him. Once again, I know it's NOT true. But, subconsciously that's how I feel.

A part of me feels like I'm not worthy. This is when dysfunction & baggage comes into play. Everytime I think of what I want in a man, he's it. Granted he has flaws just like every other person in this world...but still. I think my mindset is this way because he was my first real relationship in my adult life. It's sad that I'm 30 & I've only legit had one serious relationship. 😟 *Kanye shrug*.

I know I should eventually get back out there but nahhhh. I know the reasons I had to end it; but, a part of me is coming up with excuses as if it was valid or not. I partially regret it & that's only because I miss him so much. We are not meant to be together. That I know but it still doesn't help me from being heartbroken & him hating my guts.

I'm not blameless in this matter, because I definitely have my shit. I have a smart mouth, I can shut people out without any notice, and be brash. At one point and time he told me that I was mean, rude, and disrespectful. I have my moments but I'm not a bad person by any means. With that being said, I have a lot of unlearning to do. When you know better, you do better.

I keep so much to myself. I've never experienced love in the rarest form. All I've ever had is myself. So, when all you've ever had is YOU...how do you process loving someone and them loving you back?  It's a a hard pill to swallow knowing we're not meant to be together & that I ended it. He was my best friend. My confidant. My homieluvahfriend. My support. My encouragement.

I know I need to let this go but I can't. Hell, I even wanna send him some beard butter for his birthday in a couple of weeks. Don't judge me. 🙈
I really need to work thru this & let him go. I just don't know where to begin & a piece of me doesn't want to.

In the meantime I'll pray for healing, clarity, and peace. I know whoever is meant for me will be for me. Or at least that's what I gotta keep believing while I work thru my shit...

Please pray my strength. I wanna learn how to love someone properly and accept someone loving me in my entirety. But, in order to do that I gotta  love me first...

Doin' My Best

This year so far has been interesting to say the least. Started out by reuniting with an ex, got a position with a cool company in a different state, and it seemed like things were falling into place. Then things started to downhill. I failed my O&P's for the second time, which hurt like hell...my relationship started to sink, and I was having family issues.

Needless to say, it is beyond the second half of the year with only 4 months left. In this moment, I can say that I'm proud of myself. I feel like I still have a lot of shit to figure out. However, I'm praying for things to unfold the way God intends them to...meanwhile being patient in the process. Altho my anxiety won't let me rely solely on that mental picture. I'm learning less talk and more action.

I just want to finish this year out strong, and continue to embrace what 30 has in store for me. Shit ain't easy AT ALL, but I'm doin' it...