Night Skies

Wow. I’m at work...sitting on the dock, waiting for my last break and looking forward to going home. I literally just had an epiphany. I was randomly thinking about how my mom was staying with me for 3 months last year. While I was thinking about this... I was like yooooooooooo!!! I’ve literally been holding it down for myself. Through my ups and downs... I have shown up for myself, even when I didn’t think I could. I believe this is this case, because most of the time all I’ve had is MYSELF. My struggle has definitely been one. Financially, mentally, and emotionally. Yet, I’m still STANDING. Wow. The smallest things I’m grateful for. 32 in about a month and I’m incredibly appreciative. Own car, own crib, decent (but annoying job), clothes on my back, food in my fridge, and some money in my bank account. Also, in the process of bettering my finances so I can become a homeowner. Is this what 30+ insight is? If so, I love it. Shoutout to me for legitimately holding it down even when things were hard, you wanted to give up/in and be non existent to the world. Life is about moments. In this moment, I am proud of me. We often forget about the trials and tribulations we went thru to get to our current destination. Wow. Thank you, God. Thank you self. More blessings to come. More appreciation. More gratitude. More beauty. More lessons. More of my authentic self. 

love. all ways. always. 

719

It’s interesting how you think life is supposed to go. I’m 31, and don’t have kids. Idk if I’ll ever have kids. A part of me wants to have them and the other part is terrified of being a parent. I’d like to have at least one so I can have a legacy and so I can say, ‘Go get me the remote!” Not only that, but also to break generational curses/cycles. When I was younger, I’d say “I don’t want no kids!!!!” I’ve never been a kid person. Lol. But as you get older of course your perspective changes. With that being said, I have nephews and nieces... who I never get to see. Partially my fault and partially because the relationship was never initiated. Tbh, I don’t have a relationship with any of my siblings... and it hurts. That’s a big reason why I cherish my friends so much. 

When I was in high school my family all lived in the same house. (My mom, sis & her kids and my grandmother). My sister had back to back kids while I was in high school. I helped take care of them. Those were my babies. ESP my oldest nephew cuz he was my first baby boy. I miss him being small. He used to wait on me to get outta school. Now he’s 16. 😩 I’ve always wanted to be aunt that I never had. I wanted to show them things that I had been shown. Show them a different side of life. When they’re not your own, it’s hard to do. I learned the hard way that there’s a thin line between parent and family member. 

Long story short, my relationship with my sister become heavily strained because of her ‘The world owes me everything’ attitude. With that, meant me not dealing with her... I couldn’t see my babies. I’ve always done for them. I’m the only aunt that has ever really came around, took them out, and just been there. But let my big headed sister tell it... I’ve never done anything. I just stopped coming around all together. Now that they’re teenagers... it’s almost like I have to start all over again. In the back of mind, I said I would lowkey wait until they got older to establish a relationship with them. So that they can see me for who I really am and not their mother’s idea of me. 

I’m not gon lie... I’m in my world all the time. I rarely talk to my family... unless it’s my parents or close friends. I don’t have a relationship with any of my aunts, uncles, or cousins. How fucking sad is that??? Smh. It is what it is. I guess I’m feeling some type of way because today is my niece’s birthday. She’s turning 14. I feel so old. My babies are no longer babies. They’re bad ass teenagers. 🥴 

At the end of the day... I just hope we can establish a great relationship and they end up being great people. 

Noisy

My job is noisy. People are loud. Machines are blaring. My mind is racing. Every time I log onto the internet, all the outlets are related to COVID-19. Death numbers, new cases, the do’s/don’ts, more shutdowns. Reading articles about my government job potentially shutting down by June. My anxiety is at an all time high. Goodness gracious. Can’t lie, I’m nervous af. I just keep telling myself to take it day by day. In this moment... all I want is some peace and quiet. In my head, spirit, and in my current environment. I think when I get home, I’ll just sit in quiet for a minute. Silence is definitely needed, as well as prayer... which seems to ease my soul... even if it’s just for a quick minute. The world is very much overwhelming. I just miss having some type of normalcy. I think at this point, everyone does....

POM

April 1st. It’s only right that you play Bone-Thugs-N-Harmony today. 🤷🏽‍♀️ its still early in the year but these months have been moving fast. Today I had an epiphany. I am extremely proud of myself. I’ve seen hella growth within the last 6 months. Like I always say, day by day is the motto. Sometimes, if not often, I don’t give God enough praise or talk to him as much as I should. I am doing better with that and in the midst, always staying grateful and humble. There’s literally so much going on in the world at the moment that it’s hard to keep up. I’m not gonna lie tho... my anxiety is on 1,000,000. Mainly over things I can’t control. I just want there to be some type of normalcy again. It looks like spring is pretty much cancelled, as well as summer. All I can do is work, sleep, eat, pray and repeat. *not necessarily in that order*

The unknown/uncertainty is a scary place to be. But, all we can do is continue to take life day by day. LITERALLY. This too shall pass. The world is in a gray area... there’s no black and white right now. However, this is just a brief moment for me to realize how far I’ve come emotionally and mentally... just overall me being proud of myself. We gotta check in on ourselves every now and then. Still alotta growth happening, as it should. Pray for peace. Pray for strength. Pray for faith. Pray for health. Pray for discernment. Pray for healing.

love. live life. proceed. progress.