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I just got home... maybe about 30 mins ago. It’s been a long day, per usual. Still sad. Still numb. Still feeling a way...😔 While I was driving... rightbefore I got to my apartment complex... a thought popped up into my head. As much as people have been saying that they love me lately and saying that they need me. I’ve lowkey convinced myself it’s not true. I think if I was gone today, no one would truly miss me. No one would need me.I don’t even know what I bring to someone’s life that they would need me so much. In this space I’m in, no one’s love matters. Cuz I don’t matter. Truth is I’m terrified to live and I’m terrified to die. There is no balance. There is no gray area. It’s black or white. I just wanna disappear. People can forget all about me. I’m just —- empty. 

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I’m not sure what time I went to sleep and turned the tv off. I just know that I’ve been crying off and on all day. It’s currently raining and my mood is beyond bleak. I’ve had myself wrapped up in a comforter all day on the couch. I’m still not in the space to necessarily talk to anyone, but I have been texting and attempting to reach out. I guessed what I realized is true about myself. I havea really intense energy about myself. And those that are close to me and who know me well, KNOW something is off and not right. It hurts because I can no longer put on this facade. If anything, I am a fighter. But... I —— I’m so exhausted. So tired. When I was in Terra Haute, I was severely depressed for months and no one knew except for my boyfriend at the time. He was my only support system. So I could easily put on a mask and pretend everything was okay; because no one was around me or checking on me like that. Now that I’ve moved home... it’s the total opposite and it’s scary. I have people blowing up my phone, stopping by my house knocking on my door relentlessly because I’m not answering and everything else that’s in between. It’s scary. It’s scary someone loves me this much. It’s scary that someone can feel my energy or spirit that much that they have the need to check on me. I also think because I’m older now, I definitely can fake the funk how I used to. 

I have been depressed for YEARS. I think this is the worst that it’s ever been. You know some days are better than others. But lately, I just... don’twanna deal with anything or anyone. I have had suicidal thoughts before, but it was mainly because of the environment I was in when I was livingwith my sister. Now... I understand why someone could so easily take their own life. My thought process is.. I don’t know what to do or where to go. I just wanna eliminate all the pain, agony, misery, frustration, hurt, and confusion. To be honest, I’m 50/50 with it. I don’t actually have the courage to do anything to myself. It just sounds like an easy solution for the time being. I’m not necessarily thinking about who I’d be hurting, who I’dbe leaving behind, etc. So with that... my second thought process is... “well, what good am I doing for people? Why do they love me in the first place? I don’t really matter. I’d be better off gone.” 

All of these thought go through my head often. I’m not thinking of anyone else’s pain, except my own. I just wanna stop all the hurt and all the sadness that I’ve been feeling for years. I’m a mess. And all I can keep thinking is I’m depleted andexhausted... what else do I have left to give? Cuz my spirit is empty and so is my being.

7:17pm

Different eyes.

Happiness. We all strive for peace, love, and happiness. To be real, I don’t think I’ve ever been happy. I’ve had ‘happy’ moments and experiences. I may have even at one point been a happy child. But going thru my teenage years up until now... I haven’t been happy. Life often times plague me. I self sabotage. I overthink. I over analyze. I panic. It is never my intention to do these things. But, it is what it is. The last 6 months I have grown drastically. A lot of forgiveness, healing, and evolving has happened. That in itself is a blessing. In this moment, I feel how I did in 2011. I am frustrated. I am tired of being in survival mode. I am anxious. I am overwhelmed. I woke up this morning from a not so great sleep. As I was getting up and began to get ready for work. I looked in the mirror and I saw nothing but sadness on my face and in my eyes. I began to break down in massive tears. I triggered my own self. Still getting ready and looked in the mirror again, and busted out the ugly cry... yet again. I headed to work feeling some type of way. Everyone keeps asking if I’m ok... and I just give em the slow head nod or say, “I’m just tired.”

I text my sis something that I should never ever say. She called me 3 mins after that. I quickly walked to the bathroom & as she’s talking, I break down in the ugly cry yet again. Can’t say I necessarily felt better after the brief convo. I just wanted to stay in the bathroom and keep crying. My eyes have been heavy all day.

I vowed to never get this low or get to this point in life again. Yet, here I am. I have no obligations, except for myself. I sometimes wonder why people are friends with me, why they like me, or what it is that I bring to their life. Would it even matter if I left this world? In reality, I am terrified to die. But, idk what else to do with myself. 

I’ve always said that I know that God has a purpose for me that’s bigger and better than anything I’ve ever seen. However, idk what my purpose is. Idk how to go about finding it. Maybe God is allowing me to hit rock bottom first. It hurts me to even type these words out. I’m just... tired. Ironically, and esp as of lately people have told me that my eyes look different. I guess it’s because I can no longer put on the facade that I am ok.  I’m not. I haven’t had this feeling in 8 years. I never wanted to come back to this mind state. I’ve been fighting this mental state for almost the past month. But, this morning it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am officially numb. 

On my way to work this morning I slightly thought about running my car into the guard rail. I just wanna go to sleep and don’t wake up. I’m not sure if I actually mean these words at the moment... but just know I’m in a fog that I can’t get out of. I did manage to say a prayer this morning before I walked into work but I still feel the same.

Is the universe tryna tell me something? Does the devil have me under attack? Is this God’s way of pulling me closer to him? Cuz at this point... I don’t really believe my life will get better. It feels like a never ending cycle of the same shit. I just... don’t know anymore. 

Dunno

It’s been a while. A lot has happened. A lot is stillhappening... internally & externally. My spirit is heavy and my anxiety is through the roof per usual. I feel like it’s getting outta control. I’m not doing anything crazy but I just do not feel normal. I can’t allow myself to slow my thoughts down. Positive thinking and breathing exercises don’t work. I’ve just been running non stop the last coupleof weeks/month. Tryna catch up on rest, working, daily adulting, anxiety plus dealing with other situations. It has been a lot. I haven’t processed too much of anything lately. My mind won’t is everywhere. I don’t wanna leave my apartment cuzI don’t wanna be bothered or I’m too exhausted to do anything else l.