BJJ

And so it starts....

21 days which is equivalent to 3 weeks. It will have been a year. A year that I have been in a committed relationship with my significant other. I still can’t believe it. The fact that I still like him, even when he gets on my nerves. That speaks volumes. Because I don’t like people and my tolerance for stupidity/ignorance/ and other negativity is little to none. Throughout my life... adulthood I guess... I’ve been told that I have a wall up and I can come off as aggressive. I’ve always had a good head on my shoulders, a ‘go getta’ mentality, independent as hell, and just stayed in my lane. For a long time I thought that something was wrong with me or I would be single forever. I’m different. I’m not your average lady. I’m open minded and I do my best to see things from all angles and perspectives. 

Some men that I’ve come across couldn’t understand why I had been single for so long OR why I’m not being pursued as often as they thought I should. It came to my attention that I’m too normal for most men. I don’t have any drama. No kids. No craziness. Job, my own crib, and own car? That’s too much normalcy for a guy these days. The funny thing is I’m an introvert so I’m overwhelmingly fine with being by myself. With that being said, I don’t let just anyone into my space or my life; and many don’t understand that or don’t want to understand. I don’t want anyone in my life who can’t match me, or not bring (if not more) to the table. I’ve always known my worth. I know that I’m an amazing woman. Smart, goal oriented, a big heart, genuine, and loving. I had just been waiting on the right one, who didn’t necessarily have an ulterior motive or was on certified bullshit.

And here I am a year later happy and in love. Yes, I am still in disbelief. If you wanna make God laugh, tell HIM your plans. Life is ironic as hell. When you’re so used to things going opposite, hella negative situations, and constant rejections... you begin to think you don’t deserve happiness. You don’t think it’ll ever come, so you just become content with yourself and friends. Those who I love, love me back. I was cool with that. But deep down, I’ve always yearned for me. Now I have it and it’s a scary but, yet beautiful place to be. 

This is when self sabotage comes into play... because sub consciously we feel we aren’t worthy. OR we think something is gonna go wrong, even though everything is going right. To be real, I’m terrified. What if this is everything I imagined? What if I get dropped like a bad habit? What if? 🗣 WHAT IF!!! What if we both love each other so deeply that we find our way thru life together? What if? When I say my anxiety is on 1,000,000... that’s an understatement. Neither one of us is perfect but we balance each other out. This year has been nothing but growth. 

We’re growing together. Communicating effectively. Laughing endlessly. And whole heartedly supporting each other. This shit is scary. Of course every day isn’t peaches and cream but we make it work. I’m honest enough to say I’m afraid that this thing will work and will go the distance. For someone that’s been single the majority of her adulthood, it’s a big deal. I guess that’s why I stay in disbelief that I’ve been in a relationship almost a whole year with no real problems. Shit happens, but, it’s great to know that I have someone to go through it with. Life is hard enough on a daily basis, so we all need at least one person to help us stay soft when obstacles are thrown at us. 

I’m not sure what the future holds for us, but I’m grateful for the time and moments we’ve shared thus far. Love people while you have them. Love unconditionally. Love loud. Love fearlessly. Love whole heartedly. 

love. all ways. always.

AL

 Fall time is officially here. It's a brisk chilliness. Time to crank up the heat and dig out your favorite blankets. It's also the holiday time, which I  always dread. Anyway. Currently listening my Sade album while being in the cloud. Got me thinking about some ish. Yesterday I went to see my grandmother and it wasn't necessarily a pleasent visit. Lemme just say that my family dynamic has been abnormal for as long as I can remember. Until I was older, I never understood the demise towards her. Even myself had to stop speaking and visiting because of the mental and verbal abuse I was subjected to. Although she helped raised me, there has always been some type of meanness and anger in her heart...which trickled into her children and grandchildren. At some point I was hurt because my immediate family stopped calling and visiting my grandmother. I was like damn... no one cares about her well being enough to even check in? But, then I realized that I had to endure the abuse myself to fully understand. Anna Lara is the queen of talking shit, trying to help you out and then go off about not things her way. LOL. When I was younger she was my favorite person. I remember going along on her Avon runs, taking her spare change, sneak Burger King runs, and watching her stories with her. It was all good in my book. I never thought too much about her raising my mom until lately. The saying is true, "Parents do the best they can with what they're given." I saw that yesterday. She has bladder cancer. She is dying. She's looked the worst she ever has in life. To see her in and out consciousness was unreal. My matriach superhero is no longer invincible. For 88 years, she has been. Throughout strokes, heart attacks, triple bypass heart surgery, leg amputation, and all that's in between... she has been my 4'11 beast. I mean that in the most loving way. While I was sitting there processing what was going on... I was watching my mom tenderly combing my grandma's hair and holding her hand..with all the love in the world. 

It was a moment. I wish I could've witnessed more moments with heir true mother and daughter relationship. My mom is the baby and has always taken care of my grandmother. I'm 32 and feel like I will definitely be in that role with my mom. I'm the baby as well, and have often or been the helping hand. It's interesting to watch how life progresses and are often times generational cycles. Meanwhile, I've never dealt with death. I have had two major deaths in my life and I wasn't old enough to understand what was really going on or how to feel. The person that has had a pivotal roll in my life is now transitioning. I say I am processing, but it all feels surreal... like I'm in an alternate universe. To see my grandmother in and out of consciousness.... hurts. I feel numb. I don't think my natural feelings will come about until after she's gone. 

I'm sitting here thinking... I never hugged my grandma or said I love you. It was more of a progress report on life and how we need to get our act together. She is Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One minute she is as sweet as pie, and the next we ain't shit, never gon be shit, and we're ugly. I think she wanted the best for all of us, but didn't know how to show it without being an asshole. 

The strongest woman I know. I love you. You made Trice's Pieces the woman she is...through dysfuction and all. LOL. Say hi to Paw Paw and Lil Larry for me when you get here.