Haiku

Sitting on the floor sippin’ on my second cup of coffee while listening to Ledisi, and waiting on my next door neighbor to finish taking a shower. Only because I want there to be some hot water left. Yesterday was the holiday and all I did was lay on the couch and finish watching my beloved Gilmore Girls series. I didn’t necessarily talk to anyone. I just wanted to be left alone. Meanwhile my mother tried to lowkey manipulate me into going to my grandma’s house for a couple of hours... I wasn’t going for it. I didn’t feel like putting on a facade or being in that particular space. Which is my main issue with Thanksgiving. I don’t talk to my family on a regular, semi or even annual basis... I definitely don’t wanna deal with them on a national holiday. Is that wrong? Perhaps. But, I feel the way I feel. Anyway. I just laid on the couch in my new favorite blanket being unbothered. Eventually I went to my bed and forced myself to go to sleep because I didn’t know what else to do with myself. 

While I laid there my mom kept popping into my room wanting to talk and asking me random questions. 🙄 Eventually she left me be and I went to sleep. Of course I woke up several times. Now that I’m officially up... I feel some type of way. I still dunno what to do with myself. I’m sad and my spirit is feeling it heavily. There are so many things I need to do and phone calls that I need to make. But everything seems so daunting and overwhelming at the moment. I’m just doing my best to take my own advice, which is: day by day and step by step. 

Windy.

Sitting here listening to SiR as the wind thrashes against my window. And as the sun is playing peekabo, I'm lost in my thoughts. I've been waiting a couple of days to process what has been going on in my life. And I still haven't quite wrapped my head around it. I'm not sure if I ever will. Questions have me coming to me non stop the last 3 days. Just when I thought my life was coming together, everything comes tumbling down in a matter of 5 mins. I'm lowkey annoyed with God to the point that I can't pray. Why would HE give me the greatest opportunity that I've been waiting years for AND then take it away in an instant? WHY?!?! It doesn't make sense, nor is it fair. I've been impatiently patient for my life to turn around. Well, at least to be in a good space and at least feel like I'm going in the right direction. This year has been beyond an emotional mental rollercoaster. Switching jobs, losing friends, gaining friends, working, healing, forgiving, contemplating suicide, sadness, depression, anxiety, frustration, being supportive, landing the greatest opportunity and then losing it within a 2 month time span. 2019 feels like a major blur. However, through it all... I am still standing. The greatest lesson I have learned this year is to literally take it day by day. That last sentence is the only thing that is getting me through at the moment. DAY BY DAY. I'm back to square one and idk where to go from here. Currently working on doing some soul searching to figure out what I want to do with my life. I know that I am officially over working meaningless jobs in general. One thing I have learned the last couple of days is that companies really don't give a fuck about you. AT ALL. Clearly I have to do something in the meantime to pay these bills. But the bigger question remains: What do I want to do that can make me money, keep me stable and allow me to be happy? *Kanye shrug* If I could just be a financially stable nomad that just travels and go to concerts, that would be living the dream but, unfortunately that's not my reality. Even though I can't pray at the moment, I just really wonder what God's plan is for me. Because every time something is going good and I'm able to take 5 steps forward, I get knocked back 20. As much as I want to sulk in the hurt and emotional/mental exhaustion... I can't. As much as I want to go back down this black hole of depression, I can't. I honestly thought this situation was going to emotionally and mentally rock me to the point that I wouldn't be able to bounce back. Clearly that's not true. I'm not gonna say that I'm in the best space at the moment, because I'm definitely not. At this point I just want stability. That's all I've been looking for the last 10 years of my life. I'm not opposed to working hard and grindin' it out. But, when does it end? I'll be 32 in about 6 months and I am terrified. Even though I am terrified, I guess now is the time for me to figure out what it is that I want to do with my life. As cliche as it may sound, I 'm beginning to see that its true. Maybe this is why God put me in the situation that HE did. I am beyond exhausted in every since of the word; but taking things day by day is my solution at the moment. I am still disappointed in myself and the situation at hand, but what what else can I do or say? It is officially the past as of 11/23. As much as I wanted this opportunity and for SWA to be the place for me; it wasn't. Man it sucks just thinking about it. I don't wanna tell my friends that shit didn't pan out because that's when the questions come and then you have to relive it all over again. Not only that, but you also have folks rooting for you and excited for you.  But, the real ones understand. They understand that things happen and as much as want things to go our way or work out; it doesn't always work out.

Let's just say God has a funny sense of humor. I have yet to find it but hey. LOL. One thing I can say about myself is I'ma always figure out how to 'go get it' regardless of the situation. On the flip side, I am VERY tired of having to go get it and figure it out. But, it is what it is. I'm still on the search of stability... I hope it comes sooner than later. When I think of things in a wider sense; I'm glad I worked on myself this year mentally and emotionally. I can actually allow myself to feel. Even though I feel like this is the end of the road for me, I know it's not. I actually see things for what they are and I'm not too pressed about the future. You know why? Because I have to continue taking things day by day. Please don't get it twisted because everyday isn't peaches and cream. It's still a struggle in every sense of the word but I suppose I am maintaining at the moment. Time waits for no one. It keeps going whether we want it to or not. If and when you read this, all I ask is that you pray for me.

LOVE.

Entertain the Gray (Grey)

Life as I’ve known has changed drastically. Someone should cue Young Jeezy x Vacation. The holidays are coming up and I feel meh. On top of that, my peace has been violated and sorely interrupted. I am greatly and utterly drained, emotionally and mentally. I’m doing my best to keep my head above water, but, it’s beyond difficult. I have a roommate that’s getting on my everlasting nerve, a new job that I’m doing my best to adapt to and of course daily adulting. It feels like it’s all a bit.... overwhelming. But, like my therapist said... learn how to entertain the gray. I’m really doing my best to keep that same energy. I can thoroughly appreciate the prayers that folks cover me with. As much as I want to go MIA... I can’t. I have to allow myself to be vulnerable and feel what I need to feel. Entertain the gray. The only thing that’s keeping me sane at the moment is... God, work, and hanging with my homies. Thank God for the simple things. I just pray for some normalcy sometime in the near future. Like really in the NEAR future. This year has been full of ups/down, and I at least wanted to end it on a good note. In hindsight, there are 40 more days until 2020 so things could relatively change. In the meantime... the only thing I can control is myself and how I react. I’m also continuing to work on things and be the best version of myself possible. Even tho in the process. I’m being lied to, manipulated, and betrayed. With the good, the bad, and the in between.... we still gotta learn how to entertain the gray. Just pray my strength and courage while I work it out for my good....