Things.

The moment you think you're doing well or at least okay....

Life forces you to see otherwise. You begin to self doubt. You begin to overthink. You begin to worry. You begin to panic. You begin to become anxious. That is where I am right now. My anxiety is on 1,000,000. My heart is beating super fast while I'm typing this. The realest thing for me to say is....I think I might need anxiety meds. Regular breathing exercises and positive thinking just aren't cutting it. There is a situation that's triggering me, and it is my fiances. It is alotta things in between, but mainly THAT.

I am so frustrated with myself. It feels like I'm in a never ending cycle of broke phi broke. I'm officially 31 and its BLEH. Yesterday I mentally promised myself that this will be the last year of being financially unable to live how I want and need. And, also having messed up credit. So, I have to stay true to this promise. Already looking for a second gig. I'm just mad at myself. I know its life and I'm human. But, I HAVE to make a conscious effort to do better. I speak about it all the time. However, living it? That's a true testament in itself.

I'm still kinda hanging on to the idea of wanting to have it ALL together by the time you're 30, but, I know that's not realistic. And everyone's journey is different. Just gotta telling myself take it day by day.

Whew. I'm taking a breath and taking a step back to refocus. Tunnel vision. That's it and that's all.

Anxiety, self doubt, self sabotaging, negativity, and the devil will not win. I got this. Just keep me in your prayers.

LOVE.

Almost time...

It's been awhile. Annnnddd, it's about that time. My spirit and my mind have been heavy for about a month or so, I'm not sure why tho. Per usual, I am shifting. It could also be because my birthday is next week (5/23). My thought process is currently everywhere. Even tho I'm progressing in my life, I still feel stagnant; almost like it's an ongoing cycle of making bad decisions or not being disciplined to do better. For example, my finances. I'm doing okay but still struggling to do the basics with what I make...like putting gas in my car, buying groceries, etc. It's so frustrating. I'm not a crazy spender but I'm going crazy just "getting by." I have the habit of getting myself into situations that I have no business in...like credit cards. I just wanna get ahead and not constantly worry about shit.🤦🏾‍♀️

Next is...change. I feel like change is necessary. Like my spirit needs something to shake. I'm not sure if it's actually change or what, but I need something different in my life. I lowkey wanna move from this state but I'm afraid...but still ready. I just wanna start over like Savannah in Waiting to Exhale. I have no kids or no obligations...just myself. Why not?

Lastly, my FAITH. It has been tested. And now I am questioning how much do I actually believe. To walk by faith, and not by sight is like walking on egg shells with a blindfold on. Why isn't my faith as strong as others? This is about to sound selfish...but what is it that causes amazing things to happen to other people? And I'm struggling to get by. In hindsight I know that I'm blessed. I'm grateful for what I have. My own car, crib, good health, and a cool job. But, I'm searching for more. I understand that with more...comes greater risk and responsibility. With that being said, I should strengthen my faith. But the question remains, do I really believe that things can be better for me? Or will I always believe that deep down that I only deserve what I have?

Don't get me wrong...30 has been eye opening for sure. I've grown a lot. I'm more self aware. I cut my locs. Moved into a new space. Got rid of my glasses. Ended a toxic friendship. It has been a lot. 30 was learning to roll with the punches. Understanding that it's okay to be vulnerable, expressing what you want without feeling guilty, and fully coming into adulthood. Also knowing that sometimes shit is what it is and you can't do anything about it.

I just want 31 to be consistency, along with discipline. It honestly feels like its gonna be just another year. Getting older will really sneak up on ya ass. 😩😐 but I'm thankful I'm seeing another year. Now that I'm really thinking about...I'm afraid. Time is ticking and its not slowing down no time soon. I catch myself often wondering if having a family of my own is in the cards. Or if I'll ever be in a fulfilling and loving relationship. If I'll stop eating so many carbs. If I'll actually get the courage to move. If I can be disciplined enough to fix my credit and live comfortably. This is where I should decrease my overthinking and increase my faith. Hey what can I say, I'm human. I just pray 31 is all that I want it to be and more.

30 wasn't all that bad and I'm thankful. I wanna grow more. Believe more. Pray more. Be more consistent. More loving. More patient. And just be a better individual. Life is a journey and I know nothing or no one is perfect, except God. Everyone's path in this life is different. I'm still accepting what mine is and tryna figure out what my purpose is.

love. live life. proceed. progress.

Ashe.