Carl Thomas

I hate being vulnerable. Like... I fucking HATE being vulnerable; which is also the reason why I’ve had a hard exterior for many years. Currently in my box o’ feelz and that’s not a place for anyone to be. My feelings are hurt, but, it’s my fault. I wish I would’ve never said anything. Clearly the feeling was so strong, I just had to say sum’n. In that moment, it felt like my heart was gonna burst. I know I’m not being rejected... but in this present moment... I definitely feel like it. 

I never mean to pressure someone. In my mind certain things aren’t that big of a deal. I feel like if I say I love you. 🗣 I MEAN THAT SHIT. There’s no doubt in my mind. For someone to actively show me on a daily basis that they care... I know that they love me. I know they do. Because if they didn’t... they wouldn’t do half the shit they do. I just wanna hear it. I’ve put my heart and my ego on the line to say... ‘hey, I love you and I’m in love with you.’ I don’t say that just because...

I know that sometimes, if not often... it takes the opposite sex awhile to say the 3 words. I know it means that they don’t care for me any less. And, I also respect that fact that they want to wait until they for sure know deep down in their heart. I’ve realized tho... I’m the opposite. If I say, I love you... I wanna hear it back!!! It sucks. But, I HAVE to respect what he has said, because I respect him as a man and I care deeply for him. 

Everyone knows I overthink everything. This shouldn’t be that big of a deal, but it is. In this moment... IT IS. I can’t help how I feel. I’m doing my best not to overthink/over analyze but it’s hard. I just wish I never would’ve said anything. But, I feel how I feel. Even if it’s not necessarily reciprocated how I want it to be. 

Growth... it hurts. But, we gotta go through it, to go through it...

love. all ways. always. 

Authenticity

Have you ever wondered what people see in you? Why they talk to you? What is so interesting about your personality? What do they find intriguing? I have, quite often. Not so much when I was younger, but definitely the last 10 years. I’ve always stayed in my lane and stayed true to myself. Genuine is what one quality that I love about myself. Maybe that’s why some folks are so engaged by me. My sister once said that maybe my purpose in life is to remind people that are acting unloved that they ARE loved and still valuable. I have the worst resting bitch face, but I am as cool as an ice cube. 💁🏽‍♀️

I honestly dunno what is about me that causes people to just come up to me and start randomly talking but clearly it’s something about my energy. I’m not gonna lie...it’s hard to keep a good energy/spirit about yourself. You have to keep yourself in check often. Trust and believe, that everyday isn’t peaches and cream. But, you gotta choose to be the best version of yourself... even when you don’t feel like it. I’ve met alotta dope people so far in my 32 years. And yet, I’m one the dopest people I’ve met. I’m still meeting ME. It’s a lifelong journey. Things to think about.... 

I’ll never be quite sure what people see when they talk to me through their own lenses. In hindsight, it’s not meant for me to know. I’ll just keep being Sunny & being my authentic self. 

love. all ways. always.

Reset

I have a thing about time. I’m not sure why. I’m also big on remembering significant dates. As I always say, time doesn’t define love. But, when I’m in... I’m ALL in. I’m doing my best not to be so caught up with time and dates. Because at the end of the day, all of it is irrelevant. I’m always working on being present in the present. With so much going on in the world, it’s hard to do so but I’m making a conscious effort. It’ll be seven months with my boo this upcoming Friday, (7/10). This is my longest relationip with the opposite sex. 😂

I can’t complain about him. It feels like we’ve been together so much longer. But then again, it’s probably because I’ve known him 10+ years. He’s made being in this relationship easy. Considering that we both have a lot on our plate (mainly him)... we make it do what it do to make shit work. He makes me laugh constantly, even when I don’t want to AND especially when he gets on my last nerve. 💁🏽‍♀️ I’m happy. I’m not putting to much pressure on the future. You gotta enjoy people and the moment while you have them. I’m incredibly grateful for him. It’s a weird space to be in; but at the same time it’s a good feeling. Having someone look after you, someone to talk to, someone that cooks, someone that you can kick it with...without them getting on your nerves. That’s what we have. On my behalf it’s been a long time coming. Even though we’re polar opposites, we compliment each other well; along with balancing each other out. 

Clearly tomorrow isn’t promised. So let’s enjoy the time with the folks we care about the most, and live like there is no tomorrow WHILE being present in the present. 

love. all ways. always.