WINNIN'

twenty one days. 21 freakin' days until a new decade. 21 days until 2020, how ironic. wow. this year has been.... exhausting to say the least. if this year was a person in a car driving... they would look at you and say, "but, did you die?" meanwhile you're holding onto your seat belt for dear life. I learned a lot about myself this year and life in general. We always talk about self care these days, but we don't know how to enforce it. Or at least that was the case for me. We change every day. As cliche as it might sound...I have LITERALLY started to take things day by day; and not fret about the future so much. I know I talk about it a lot, but, it's my truth. The struggle of dealing with ongoing depression and anxiety is high key life threatening. I am literally fighting for my life. Drastic? Yes. I don't want to succumb to and go down that rabbit hole like this summer. That was a terrifying place to be. And yet, here I stand to go on and be the best version of myself possible. 2019 was crazy. Alotta shit happened. Friendships ending and reconciling, therapy, changing jobs, family drama, and everything in between. In hindshight, it felt like this year was going to break me, but, it didn't. I'm not gonna say that I'm in the best place at the moment, however, I'm doing okay. The last two weeks I have come to realize that I NEED to diligently work on my happiness; even if that means creating a lane specifically for myself. I have so many ideas that are in my mind... to the point that it is overwhelming. In a sense, I know that God put me in this situation for a reason and the opportunity at hand wasn't necessarily for me, even as bad as I wanted it to be. At first it was beyond difficult for me to accept it, but I had to. Sometimes if not often...things/people/places are not meant for us. 

Today a good friend of mine asked if I was happy. I was like ehhh kinda despite the job situation. He asked again, "are you happy?" I said ehhh again. He asked once more and I was honest with myself and said no. BUT, I'm working on it. He said no job, no person, nothing from the outside can really make you happy. You gotta be happy with yourself first. I already knew that but he said it with such conviction. Lol. I'm so grateful for friends that encourage, support, and love on me when necessary. As frustrating as it is to be back at square one...I guess it's needed. 

In the process I am learning how to continuously and consistently do better and be better. And UNlearning anything and everything that is toxic to my well being. Whew chiiiilllleeee, it is A LOT. But, that's okay because Rome wasn't built in a day. #BARZ. 

Lettuce (LET US) pray that 2020 will be more blessed, prosperous, peaceful, joyful, loving, and happier than ever before. In this moment, I am honest with myself. There were times that I didn't want to be on this earth. I was hurting. Hurting incredibly bad, frustrated, and just exhausted of wanting things to work out and they never did/do. I'm saying this because...by the grace of God I am typing these words. I am grateful that I am here and I don't take it for granted. I know my existence in this world is for a reason and a purpose. I have yet to figure it out, but that's okay. DAY BY DAY is the motto. I'm always looking for the silver lining in things and in life. I can say that 2019 was definitely one for the books... the good, the bad, and the in between. 

So here's to 2020 being AMAZING in every sense of the word. Please pray for my strength, courage, diligence, patience and peace to continue being a better version of myself; also curating a better life for myself. And, I'll do the same for you. LOVE. Always. All WAYS.