Winter Blues

 

What does healing look like for you? I know it’s a journey, but damn! How long does it take?? I guess there’s no appropriate timeline. Right now I’m in a good space, but it’s slightly confusing. One minute I’m good, next minute I’m in my feelz. Contradictory, right? I’m legitimately on a tight rope right now tryna balance my emotions. I want someone to be happy vs terribly missing them vs saying 🖕🏽em. Ugh. I’m going back and forth in my mind about the decisions I made. I can’t necessarily be upset because I did it to myself. Like I tell everyone… when I’m in, I’M ALL IN. 

I’m going to make sure my person is taken care of. I’m making sure they’re happy. Their mental health is good. And I’m definitely buying them stuff just because. Yes, I’m THAT person. But, with me doing all this… where does that leave me? I’m being taken care of too, but now how I need to. Not only that, but I’m not taking care of myself properly. I put myself on the back burner. I honestly don’t know how to balance it out. I guess I’m learning as I go. 

The healing journey isn’t a joke. I’ll just be glad when I can stop thinking about them non stop. I only say that because I know that they’re not thinking about me. 

The petty in me really wants everything back that I purchased. Nah like forreal, I ain’t realize how much I went crazy on gifts until I really start thinking about it. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Even in the midst of it, I’m not that damn petty. God didn’t make me to be miserable, bitter, or resentful. That’s why I’m probably always the bigger person. It just sucks that everything I’m working on, I don’t need to necessarily share. Until falling in love, I thought you could be friends with an ex. Which has worked out in the past. But when you love someone deeply, you can’t just turn that shit off. I had to make a conscious decision to cut all ties. Why? Too invested, it’s still fresh, and I’m still hurt. 🥺 now that definitely sucks… because I cut off my best friend. With whom I want to share all my good news with, but I can’t. 

Everything is just different. Going on 5 months and it’s gotten just a smidge bit easier. I’m not looking forward to getting to know someone new. Who tf wants to figure out what your favorite color is, what show you binge watch, what kind of music you like? The answer is: NO ONE. The dating scene is trash. TRASH. The next thing I’m wondering is if I’ll be able to open my heart up again and willing to be vulnerable. Cuz baby… that vulnerability is lowkey soul crushing. I had to learn how to be soft. I had to learn how to let my guards down. I have a humongous heart and I want to love on everyone. But for the next person? It’s gonna take some time. I feel like I don’t have it in me to love someone unconditionally again. However, I know that’s not true. God working on me and I know he didn’t give me this heart and spirit for no reason. It just sucks that who I gave it to, didn’t understand the magnitude of my love. We all deserve love in any capacity we need it in. Just make sure you love yourself more than anyone could. And you know what? Sometimes it takes longer to step away from a situation or circumstance…  in the end, we leave because whoever or whatever no longer services us. It’s more of a disservice. 

We all make decisions. Make the decision to be unapologetic about what you need and desire. And if you don’t get it? Chuck up the peace sign. Trust and believe, it ain’t easy. But when you love yourself and you know you’re the shit? (with or without anyone telling you). We can move accordingly and go on about our lives. Life is already complicated enough. No point in being unhappy when YOU can make the executive decision to change it. In the meantime, I’m still healing. I’m learning that it’s okay to still hurt but just don’t stay in the pain. We go day by day. And as we go day by day, it gets a little easier. 

Squidward (1/6)

I am restless as hell. My sleeping pattern is all the way off. I keep getting headaches and it feels like my body is tryna shut down on me. What in the Tom foolery is happening? My mind will not shut off. Tired, and so mf’n restless. It’s almost like a mid life crisis but in my 30s. My mind is everywhere… it is definitely chaos in my brain. You ever feel like you’re NOT normal? This is my current mood. Like… I don’t feel normal. I want my mood to be light and consistent. Even on meds… as of lately it feels like my energy and mood are just bleh. Granted it is officially winter time, I have no desire to leave the house. When I am in the house… I lay in my bed. But lately… I can’t even sleep properly. Is God tryna talk to me? Is my anxiety on an intense overdrive? POSSIBLY. It could be a mixture of everything. The growing pains I’m currently going through, makes me feel like I’m stagnant at the moment. For me it is a fine balance of being productive and resting. But then again, rest IS productive. I’m in an incredibly weird space. I don’t like it here at all. This is the time to focus on self and heal how I need to. However, I don’t know what that looks like for me. How long do you miss someone? It’s been 4 months and this delayed reaction I’m having fucking sux. Sux monkey balls. I feel every ounce in my body that misses my best friend and once my love. So then that proceeds to go onto other thoughts. Like… “will I ever be happy again?” “Will the next person treat me how my last did?” Dealing with that, loneliness, restlessness, and just constantly working mixed with sleeping isn’t conducive to my life right now. I’m all over the damn place. Idk what to do with myself. Maybe God is talking to me and really tryna get my attention like AYOOO

🗣 RELAX…. talk to me and let’s figure it out. Which actually that’s what I need to do is… pray. Even if I can’t necessarily find the words… HE knows my heart. 

love. all ways. always.

The Ancestors

I remember years back talking to my grandmother about when I was born. She said I was bright eyed and bushy tailed and was looking all over the room. I just smiled as she recalled me being born. From a young age, I’ve always been different. For some reason, I have always resonated with older people. Many say that I ‘act old’. I used to be offended by it, but now I just embrace it. My mindset and demeanor isn’t what it should be. Throughout my life and even now, I take the lessons that I’ve learned from older folks and do my best to apply them to real life. Maybe it’s the stories they tell, or the constant encouragement that life ain’t so bad. I need that. I need a constant reminder that I’m doing okay in life and it could always be worse. From the new generation… I’d say anyone younger than 25, hearing their conversations are cringe worthy. At work I hear them all the time and I literally have to walk away. The arrogance, ignorance, and overall agitation that I feel. Different type of spirit is what I am. I feel like I have knowledge to pass to others. In a sense I also feel like, depending on how a person grew up… the most simple things… they may not know how to do. For example, when I got my first apartment. I didn’t really know how to grocery shop… so I was always buying junk food/pre made food. And I also thought you had a little bit more time to pay rent; until I got served with papers for being about 2 weeks late. But you live and learn as you get older. In this day making it to your next birthday is a major blessing. I’m not sure if I’m going to have children, but I definitely want to break generational curses and pass my knowledge along to anyone that’s going to listen and take heed. Life is meant to be experienced… the good, the bad, and the ugly. No one has it all figured it out and if they say they do… they’re lying. As cliché as it might sound, life is about the journey and not the destination. That was so old of me to say, but it’s facts. My daddy has always told me, “Keep on living.” With those words, I will. When I was younger I honestly thought you had to have it all figured it out by 25. Job, house, career. But now? Sheeeittttt… I’m about to be 34 and still tryna figure it out, and get it together. What life has taught me is there’s no timeline for your journey. You get there when you get there. There are many stops and detours, but at as long as we get to the destination eventually… that’s all that matters. To add to that philosophy… I also understand that God’s timing is everything as well. It’s a fine balance of appreciating what you have & what it took you to get to this point vs constantly wanting more and not appreciating what you have or where you are in the current moment. Gratitude and wisdom? It takes you more places than you realize. 

Think about what all our parents and loved ones had to go through to get where they are TODAY. Some are still struggling to survive and others are thriving. To learn from your elders and take heed of their knowledge? I feel like that’s all you need. Just the comfort from an elder makes a world of difference. Could just be me, but that love, compassion, and warmth let’s me know everything will be alright. Why? Because they’ve been through way worst shit and for them to say I’m doing okay in life? That’s all the motivation I need. So if I act like an old lady with a different type of a spirit? That’s because I am and my ancestors are looking after me & guiding me in the direction that I need to go. Even if I’m participating in some hoodrat shenanigans… they tap me on my shoulder and say… “I fully support”.