Aim To Please

The new year is upon us. I haven't really thought about it that much. But, now that December is rapidly approaching, I can't help to think about it. I have been 30 for 6 months. I am still embracing and leaving all the mistakes I made in my 20s in the past. I am now focusing on this new chapter.

Who am I becoming? What do I want for myself? How do I accomplish goals that seem so daunting? I'm tryna sort thru all these emotions and questions that plague my mind daily. I'm still searching for my happy. What does happiness look like for me?

Tonite my therapist asked me what my 5 year plan was. I started to give her a clichè answer. I began to tell her the typical answers... like potentially having a baby, getting married, being happy. Then I paused...

I thought about it briefly and was like I really don't know. I told her that everytime I plan something...it NEVER works out. It's almost as if I'm attempting to play a trick on God. I also told her that I've learned that planning doesn't necessarily turn out how you want it to. And, I've had to learn the hard way. An easier method for me is to take things day by day. That seems to work better for me. I was once told that the future as we know, doesn't really exist and all we have is the now. I agree with that to a certain extent.

It lowkey takes the pressure off of me to have everything figured out. I think at the tender age of 30, I'm understanding and figuring out what it is that I TRULY want for myself. Because all selfish as this sounds...it is all about SELF. I have no kids. No spouse/significant other. Just me. I'm okay with that.

My future seems a little bit brighter when I take those expectations off myself and open up to possibilities/opportunities that I didnt think were obtainable before. My future looks different than what I thought it should be....just from a couple of years ago. I am OK with the now.

i am learning to be unapologetically myself. which for some, is a life long journey. it feels like 30 is just the beginning. I am in the beginning stages of becoming the greater version of myself. scary? yes. necessary? hell yes. but...when we know better, we do better...

love. always. all ways.

Superheros

Some people we find to be invincible or we THINK they're invincible. Because they're so strong, fearless, courageous, and just a bomb ass individual. But in reality, we ALL go thru trials and tribulations. There are certain people in my life that are my go to when I am weak and feel less than my best. They help to support me, encourage me, and love on me when necessary. But, who does that for them?

If I haven't talked to one of my "superheroes" in a while; I assume they're doing ok. And that's when the misconception comes in. Whether it is a couple of weeks or a couple of months...

What comes out of my mouth is: "What?? Wait!!! Hol up, when did this happen?!? Are you ok?! Why didn't you tell me??" I automatically feel bad and in that moment, I realize that my superheroes are human too.

Sometimes, if not often their cape needs to be ironed out, tied again, and ready to fly. We all are our own superheroes. And with that being said, let's take care of ourselves. No one is exempt from the bullshit that life throws at us. However, let's be empathetic to not just our superheroes... but everyone.

let's choose love in every aspect of the word....

Currently

There are 53 days left until 2019. This year has flew past. What are some things that you learned? What have you accomplished? How do you want to end the year?

The beginning of the year started off amazing. I had a job opportunity for a great company in Chicago. I was in a relationship. I was working, planning trips, and tryna get my shit together. In between March and April...my relationship went downhill & I ended it. Turned 30 in May and had a mental/emotional breakdown for over a month in June. Started working like crazy in the summer. Realized I needed to boss up and focus on what I needed to do financially. Moved last month and now here it is Thanksgiving in 2 weeks.

This year has been an interesting one to say the least. It seems like the last couple of years...I've taken alotta of losses, but also alotta strides. It's still difficult for me to take pride in the steps that I take, whether big or small. Acknowledging how far I've come is something I have yet to conquer. Slowly but surely...

In the last 53 days of the year...I plan on seeing how far how I've come and take a look at how far I have to go. I'm writing out short term and long term goals. That seems to help me stay focused. In this moment I'm unsure of my new position at work, but it took me 5...almost 6 years to even get to this point. I'm thankful. Because I fought to get here.

I'm really doing my best to not worry so much, and just let things roll naturally. But, the way my anxiety is set up? Nah, bruh. I think I'm just realizing that the older I get...some shit just doesn't matter. As long as I'm doing my best...what else can you do? 🤷🏽‍♀️

Abstinence, therapy, working out and attempting to eat better are all on my goal list. (However, Chick-Fil-A & Chipotle) be calling my name. 😂 I'm just tryna do better in all aspects of my life.

Live how you want, as long as you hurting nobody and do what you wanna do.

53 days. Like Lil Duval says in pure simplicity...🎶 I'm living my life, ain't going back forth with you niggas...🎶

love. always. all ways.

Skrong Words

I am indifferent to the bull shit. I feel no type of way about it. I am numb. I have NEVER worked for a company that has put me through so much is such a short period of time. I have never wanted to physically put my hands on someone. I've never had to fight for my livelihood or to clear my name over some dumb ass fuckery. Nor have I ever been this frustrated or tested by someone in a managerial position.

At this point I'm ready to quit. Even tho, realistically I'm not. 😐🙄😤 I've been questioning and doubting if this is the path I really wanna go down. All of the cliché sayings come into my head.

"It'll all be worth it in the end."
"Anything worth having, is worth fighting for."
"Everything happens for a reason."

FUUUUUCCCCKKKKKK all uh that. I'm ready to chuck up the deuces and tell em to kiss my black ass. I just don't know man. I know journeys aren't supposed to be easy...but I feel like it damn sure shouldn't be this hard. ya know? Maybe this is God's way of testing my faith and my patience to see if this really FOR me.

I'm just exhausted. And, if there was another word for exhausted...I 👏🏽 am 👏🏽 that.

I'm bouta eat my Twizzlers and chill. Cuz I ain't going to work tomorrow. I'll just call it a mental health day. It's much needed...🤷🏽‍♀️