In Need of Some Insight

So...I don't even know where to begin. Here I am at the crossroads of my life. At the tender age of 20 and I am so confused. I'm currently finishing up paperwork to join the Navy. I'm just waiting to pick out a job and get a shipping date. I'm kinda nervous, but, at the same time I'm ready to start living life. I feel so ready to get up outta my daddy's house. I'm trying not to rush it because I know once the time gets here for me to leave..I won't wanna leave. Throughout this whole thing I've been doing my best to stay optimistic and have faith in God. That's a road that I am beginning to travel. And, I have no idea where to start. I am starting to pray like I should. Everday I ask for strength and guidance. I know that I need to build a relationship with God, especially before I leave and ship out for the Navy. People who I have talked to told me need to just comit and surrender myself unto HIM. I don't even know that.When I was younger, my mother made me go to church. All the time. I hated going with a passion, maybe it was because I never understood what was going on or what was said. No one ever took me aside and explained anything to me. I've attempted to read the Bible, but that was a no go. So, I just left it alone. Once I went away to college..I left it alone. Until some drama happened and I think HE was trying to bring me closer. The same thing goes for right now. Except, this is something that I want to do for me. Something I KNOW I need to do. I want to feel his unconditional love. I want to be able to hear him talk to me. I just feel sooo lost at this point and time. And, somewhat discouraged.*I'm new to this. So, any suggestions or advice would be appreciated. I just wanna do what's in his will.

Once in the Future

Been craving, longing, and yearning for that
particular type of ...???
love and affection
that I've never experienced
feening for the real, without a doubt
uncontrollable love
what is love...
besides a young mind's infatuatiopn and lust
must we...
as young girls..settle for less
not I...
do something on my level or betta
cuz I want that butta love..smooth & creamy
that spreads all ova the place
intringuing minds...
internally and externally beautiful that makes the little things the simplest
gimme that renaissance man with an interesting...
theory about the world and so much more
taking the long walks in the park
in the bookstore sitting on the floor discussing books
talk about evolving Hip Hop as the clock tick tocks...
politics..Clinton or Obama
poetry, real music...like Jill makes me wanna sing "All I" and
as I sip "Crown Royal" [on ice]...I reminisce
and think of all the ways you love me
undeniably
4 my soul
my mind
my being..you compliment me for keep'n it funky, vice versus...
you are the epitomy of a black man that I do adore
keep it moving...
as I grow and mature, so do you...by my side, I am your T.R.I.C.E.
loving and appreciate me for my kinky curls for what they are
you never tell me to get a perm because this junk is nappy
you just continue to put your hands in it and laugh at me
you kiss me on my forehead as a term of endearment, for when I am sad
make a mends of what can never be
love me for all I am
damn, I thank God for the parents who made ya and the parents who raised ya
this is only a thought in the imagination for a man...
who will one day exsist and put my loneliness to...
an end
can't wait for that day that you put your hand around my waist and we sway to say that...
we've waited for one another for eternity so that one day you'll wear my purity ring

Poetic License aka Makes Me Wonder

Have momma's raided us right?
Have daddy's abandoned us?
to make their lil girls be loved
so, they grow up fast with no...
expectations of class, morales, or standards
out the window...
dudes constantly chasing that a** to make a quick stop and
plant that seed...
when they have no intention on tending to it
or
nurturing that soon to be embryo
many older women say the ladies don't care
or don't strap up because they want a piece of what
was once inside of them...
so, they hold on strong to somebody who don't want 'em
and then get mad when the brotha get
somebody else on the side
this cycle is called, "the trap house"
girls wanna get the title "mommy" at the tender age of 16
dudes wanna be associated as the ones who getting all the [pussy]
no shame because all the girls want is the love they were once abandoned of..
so, these females lurk around
trying to fill the void
young kids lack knowledge of what they see in the media
the cars, 50 thou on the wrist and banging 10s of tons of scandolous females
don't care that HIV/Aids, and STDs are there
does our generation care
it saddens me to hear the lil kiddies cussing out their one and single parent
who are doing there best to provide their child with clothes on their back, food in the refrigeratior, and a roof over their head...
is respect and integrity not a good characterisitic now?
I find myself watching BET constantly...with the booty's and the chestess rubbing all ova the Phantom with the
iced out wrist, neck, and ears
this is what REAL hip hop has come to?
rappers speak about how they grew up in the hood and forever struggling tryna get somewhere
yes
but where is the lyrical depth and meaningfulness behind the tight beat and the decent hook?
my, my, my
I often wonder if I am the only female in the world who doesn't refer to myself or anyone else as a bitch or a hoe?
whaddup bitch?
where is the self-respect?
my mother always told me not call anyone a loser, let alone a bitch..
feel'n lost and confused
and as I become older, I too am feening for a man's love
though my daddy is here...I don't feel, connect, or identify with it.
is it lingering or lurking behind closed doors?
imagination goes crazythinking about the man I want to be in my future
and what beholds me
a woman's expectation should be so high
and thats why many guys don't fool with me
cuz I got that good junk and not giving it up to nobody
can't deal with it..then you can step
so, I suggest to these guys..to step they game up
to the home plate..
makes me wonder what's going on in these little girls mind's
we all want a man's love...
think its going to be sooooo very good
once we give ourselves up
attempting to fill that void that was empty with a baby
though I still am craving that love, yearning for that lust, and feening for that thing
got me feeling like XSCAPE, asking who can I run to?
when the main person is in front of you..
his name is G.O.D.
and he makes me wonder when will that special person come???
of course on his time
he's there to fill our emptiness and voids
and to keep our head to the sky
before we
even think about giving up that good jewel..

Makes Me Wonder...