Tommy Pickles

My anxiety is on 1,000,000 and it has been since last nite. I’m getting some signs from the universe and I honestly dunno how to feel about it. I’m in a pretty good space. Feel’n more & more grown these days. And with that comes making GROWN decisions and putt’n my big girl drawz on. Lol. Everyone knows I overthink & constantly over analyze. It’s hindered me in a sense, because, I can never just outright make an executive decision. I have to talk to someone, write it out, and play the scenarios in my head over and over again. I know...🙄😩😔

Some years ago, this guy I was really into and who I thought was incredibly deep told me sum’n. He said, “time does not define love.” And I was like wow... that’s so true. It rings true in this current place of my life; and it has made me hella anxious and vulnerable. I HATE being vulnerable. I’m nervous that if I tell someone who I truly feel about them, the feeling won’t be reciprocated. This is when that motto comes into play: time does not define love. I feel like it’s too soon... but in the same sense, I can’t help how I feel. Legitimately, when I’m in... I’m all in. I know men move differently and feel differently from women. However, I gotta get it out and say what I need to say. I’m too old to be playing games at the big age of 31. I’m scared and also agitated. Lol. Agitated because now everytime I talk to this person... I wanna say it and can’t or I’m afraid of what his reaction will be.

In hindsight, I’m proud of myself. Extremely proud of myself because this time last year... I wasn’t able to be this open or honest. That goes for being vulnerable as well. So with that being said and how Tommy from the Rugrats would say: “A baby’s gotta do, what a baby gotsta do.” Lol.

Pray my strenf. In my head I swear I’ma thug... but my heart says otherwise.

love. all ways. always.

Facts, B.

Another nite, I’m lost in my thoughts at work:

Trust. It can take forever to earn and a moment to lose. I’ve never necessarily had an issue trusting people. I guess I trust people by their actions. I trust myself the most tho. 🤷🏽‍♀️ I’m a pretty solid person. I’m a woman of action. I’m a woman of my word. If I say I’ma do sum’n...I do it. It might take me a while but I’ll get it done. I pride myself on that, because most people aren’t built that way and it lowkey irks my soul. Lol. But, I have to understand that not everyone has the same thought process as me, as well as a big heart. All of my life I’ve been trust worthy. People be telling me their business for no damn reason, they trust me with their money, and all of the above. I’ve always been kinda shocked by this. Idk why. Part of me believes it’s because I whole heartedly believe in karma. Also, I suppose I have a comfortable, open and non judgemenral energy/spirit. So I would never do anything intentional to hurt someone, ESPECIALLY if they trust me. 

Last year I had a situation that rocked me, and I guess I’m still dealing with it emotionally. Clearly it wasn’t a big deal to this person because they broke my trust and thought everything was cool after one conversation. Sheeeiiittttt, I think not. It takes me longer to process some stuff. One morning I woke up to roll over and literally thought...”damn she really betrayed me, broke my trust, and violated my space” in a day. Like forreal. Nah, FORREAL. You’re grown as hell and we’ve been rocking since I was a teenager and you do some fucked up shit like this??? It makes me doubt everything our friendship/sisterhood stood for. Clearly she didn’t/doesn’t respect me or my space. With that being said, I see her for who she really is and it’s sad. 

Even though we change and evolve everyday... I know who I am. I’m as solid as they get. If I fuck with you... it’s gonna be til the wheels fall off. I definitely had to distance myself from her. I still have love for her, but damn Gina! Trust is broken and I’m pretty certain she’ll never get it back. I’m a Gemini so I don’t play those types of reindeer games. It’s a big deal that I don’t take lightly. I trust you to be exactly who you are... which is someone I don’t fuck with anymore. To be honest, I’ve never thought about the trust factor in my life because it’s NEVER been an issue. I’ve never had reason to doubt someone. In hindsight, that’s definitely a blessing. Some say I should forgive her and move on. Others say fuck her. Even after what she did, I still wish her all the love in the world. But our relationship is indefinitely on the outs, b. Deadass. Meanwhile, I’ll continue to keep being me... despite my ill feelings towards her. I forgive you but I’ll never eva eva eva EVA forget. 

I trust myself to keep being a bomb ass individual, loving, genuine, honest, articulate, cute, sassy, and hard working woman. BOOM.

Like the homie Jill Scott said, “You hurt me, but I’m healing...”

*drops mic*

love. all ways. always. 

CJ

I’m at work and my job for the night is beyond repetitive; and with that being said I’m lost in my thoughts. I was thinking about my relationship with both of my parents and how they have shaped me, whether good or bad. My thoughts primarily were geared towards my mother. She’s been through a lot and seen a lot. I love her to death, she drives me crazy, and I’m somehow just like her but totally different. I have a 50/50 mixture of both of my parents personality. Thinking of how she raised me, how big my heart is, and the resilience she has... I get from her. I understand that parent’s often do the best they can with what they’re given. I’m pretty sure she sheltered me because my sister was a wild child. lol. At 31, I can say I was definitely sheltered and didn’t find out a lot about life until adulthood., which caused me to find out things the hard way and be a later bloomer. This morning I’m thinking about how she wasn’t that present or emotionally/mentally available for me the last 10 years. I remember going months without talking to her... I didn’t wanna be bothered. Because sometimes if not often, I equate her to dysfunction and my spirit wants no parts because it is draining, as well as emotionally taxing. I still kinda feel the same but I’m old enough to understand it better. I remember one year... I was so hurt by the holidays. I talked to one of ‘mentors’ and telling her I wish that my mom was around more. And she simply replied, “Do you think that her presence would really be beneficial to you at this point?” In that moment it hit me... that it wouldn’t. It just made me incredibly sad that was my reality. Luckily around this time, my dad had start stepping up to the plate in all aspects. Financially, mentally, and emotionally. I’m so thankful that he did. Because looking back, I needed him more than I could have ever imagined. For her, I’ll always be ‘big girl’ lol. And even now I still have to respectfully check and remind her that I’m a BIG 31 years of age outchea in these streets. Although I wish I could confide in her more without thinking the worst of what she’ll say and the potential judgement that will go along with it. I really wish I had a healthier relationship with her and with my sister too. But, it won’t happen. Not because I’m being mean or anything but it’s my reality and I accept it. I’ve found out a lot on my own. Some I’ve learned the hard way. 

I am def the opposite of my family. Like polar opposite. I subscribe to peace, love, and healing... not constant drama, misery, and dysfunction. I’ll always feel some type of way about it. In the meantime I’m doing my best to break generational curses. The goal is to be better and do better in all capacities in my life. I recently made a major executive decision. I’m keeping it to myself and a select few. It is what it is. I wish I could disclose it to my family without thinking they would potentially have an ulterior motive. *Kanye shrug* 

However, I should thank God more often than I do. Because I really have a big heart and I’ll do almost anything for people I care about. I only do for those that will reciprocate the same energy. I wish I could do the same for my family... mainly my mom and sister but it won’t happen cuz they’ll take advantage, whether they mean to or not. Fucked up, right? I know. Stability is all I’ve ever wanted since I can remember. Even tho it’s sad I feel like this... all I can worry about it is me. And pray they get it together before it’s too late. I know I’m a great person. I have my mom’s great qualities, as well as the bad ones. I am her daughter. Lol. Someone told me once to not judge her, but just let her be. With that being said... I’m still working and healing on myself. I guess a part of me is doing it for her too. Nonetheless, that’s my heart and my headache, but I’m just tryna be better. That’s what she wants for me anyway. I love her for that. 

It’s love. All ways. Always.

6262820

If love is a choice, why am I so nervous and over analytical about it? My stomach feels queasy, mind is racing, and heart beat is increasing rapidly. Baby Jesus, why?!? To be a late bloomer in life makes me itch. Itch, why? Because it feels like I should’ve had certain experiences more than once by now. Like being in love. I know we can’t necessarily predict the future, because it doesn’t exist. The most we should do is take life day by day while being present in the PRESENT. With that being said, I know I can’t be afraid of the days ahead... all I can do is embrace it & move accordingly. The fear of heartbreak & rejection plagues me.  Why is it so easy to tell my good friends I love them; & when it comes to a significant other I OVERTHINK every emotion I have??? Also, add in that I’m a Gemini and hate being vulnerable.  It’s too early to say sum’n. So I’ll just keep my thoughts & feelz to myself. As I’m writing this Sade - Stronger Than Pride is playing. THIS WAS NOT INTENTIONAL. Fawk my life. 🤦🏽‍♀️ We can be our own worst enemies sometimes. But, I’m doing my best to go with it and if it’s meant to be, I’ll continue to go with it and enjoy the journey ahead.