Never ending

30 has been a bitch so far. Probably because I'm unlearning all of my bad behaviors/patterns. 30 has also shown me that some stuff I just don't have the tolerance for. I don't have the energy to keep entertaining simple situations. I do my best to not dwell on how I THINK someone should react to what I do/say. It's beyond difficult. It's difficult because I'm super chill, laidback and sometimes overly logical. And, I often think that I wouldn't act like that...it maddens me. But clearly everyone isn't the same. At this point I'm tired. Emotionally and mentally exhausted, on top of being numb to the bullshit. As my dad often says, "Who's gonna be for you, is gonna be for you." It makes so much sense. I can't afford to continue to soak in other people's problems....I have enough of my own. I'm beginning to learn the simplicity in situations. Either you rock with me or you don't. I'm done trying to figure out what it is that I did wrong. If I'm wrong, I'll say I'm wrong. I'll apologize and keep it pushing. But this current moment in my life? I'm okay with walking away. It seems like its necessary. I can't continue to deal with someone's toxic behaviors/problematic attitudes. It has taken a toll on me as is. I just wanna move on and keep healing...and this is beyond a treacherous task. I'm not willing to jeopardize my peace or healing over someone else's issue with me...especially when I know I didn't do anything wrong....

Procsssing

Within the last day or so I've been doing some heavy thinking...and my brain just won't turn off. I'm beginning to feel how I felt in 2016/2017. I remember seeing a therapist on campus. I also remember it being therapeutic, scary, and becoming triggered... by opening up about myself and some of the experiences I have been thru. Fast forward...I'm feeling the same. The thing about me is...I function highly with depression and anxiety. Anxiety is a daily bih. And depression? It's always there but some days...it just decides to rear its ugly head. I don't know how or when it comes, it just does.

I've been in therapy 2 months and I'm starting to feel the effects of being so transparent. From dealing with issues about my family, a falling out with a friend, and just overall adulting. It all feels so heavy. I'm not saying that I expected therapy to be a one and done situation. But, clearly this healing process is gonna be a lot harder than what I initially thought. I'm also realizing its gonna take time. So many emotions I feel. Mainly overwhelming. I guess I'll pray that God gives me the strength to handle all of this. I know I need it. So much baggage to unpack. I thought I was ready but....I'm not. Better now, than later...I suppose.

This whole process is just hard. Accepting that I know I can be a better a version of myself is...the truth. But getting to this point? It takes courage...and I'm working on it.

Untitled

My heart is heavy and my spirit is being tried. Everything I have known the last 4.5
years has been thrown to the wayside. I am numb, hurt, sad, frustrated and beyond disappointed. I can not handle any more failed relationships and/or friendships. I just can't.

Being honest has always seemed to fail me. I always hurt someone's feelings in the process. So, in my mind...its like, should I have said anything at all? I don't like confrontation, nor do I like drama. The fact of the matter is... I've invested so much time into a friendship and it just abruptly ends. It makes me think...were we REALLY friends to begin with? I feel like a lost puppy...searching for a home. In this moment I feel extremely vulnerable and lonesome. Because someone that I trusted, was cool with, laughed with, had amazing experiences with etc etc....decided to end a friendship. That's a hard loss to cope with.

It all derives from a situation that was misconstrued and misunderstood. Then that turned to the real issue at hand; which was I thought someone was possessive. And because I told them this, they decided they didn't want to be my friend anymore. In hindsight, the whole thing is incredibly petty. I was thinking that we could just move on. Unfortunately, this was not the case. I mourn differently. Certain situations don't sink in for a while. But this? It sunk in instantly.

I'm still hoping that I'll receive a phone call, a text or just some type of message in general. But in reality, it is dead. It kinda makes me feel like I wish I never would've met this person. I've always been a loner and introvert. Then I find someone that I vibe with naturally and just hit it off. We hang out, talk almost everyday, we became travel buddies etc. But, now? I've officially deleted their text thread, their number, and have hidden our once bff pictures on my phone.

This isn't how I wanted the year to start off. Maybe we were only meant to be friends for a season. Maybe everything happens for a reason. Maybe I was put in their life to teach them something. Maybe I'll be better off without this person. Even though I don't feel like that's the case in this moment. Someone once told me...they're not your real friend if you can't be honest with them. I guess if anything, this whole situation I learned that...I have to be honest with myself first.

Bothersome

One thing I can pride myself on as a person is...I do my best to treat others how I want to be treated. I'm not shady or malicious, I really try to be good to everyone. Even if they're not good to me. So far, it has worked in my favor. In my 30 years on this earth, I haven't had any major issues with my friends. I keep my circle tight. For the most part...no drama. I have a select few that I actually TRUST and will never have to doubt....basically my ride or die. 😎 I'm pretty much an open person. If I got it, you got it. If someone hurts you, they hurt ME. you mad? OH, I'm big mad.

It's interesting tho because I've never understood how or why  someone that I care about could be possessive over ME. I've never actually experienced it until recently. Understand that I have different relationships with all my friends. If someone is heavy on my mind/spirit...I'll call, text, or go see them if I can. I guess that's the empath in me. I'm grateful that I can be a light for some. I'm just me. Idk how to be anything else. Anyway...

Yesterday a situation happened with one of my friends and it rock it to me to my core...to the point I got pissed off. Long story short, I talk to this person almost everyday. If it's not everyday, its several times during the week. Sometimes I don't feel like talking...so I'll ignore her phone call. Yesterday I got my hair cut and went to my other friends house to check one her, because I hadn't seen her in a cool minute. I get over there and I'm kk'n with my friend & her husband. The homie calls me and says "wyd?" I reply with I'm at so & so house. Her: "Oh ok. Well, I called you yesterday." I reply, "I know. I was busy...well I was on the phone." Her.."that's cool." and she proceeds to hang up the phone in my face. At first I thought it was funny. So, I immediately called her back to back until she picked up. She eventually answered and said, "I'll call you back." 😐😤😠🤬

At this point.. I'm really tryna figure out what her problem is and what I did to make her hang up on me. The more I think about it...the more pissed off I get. Cuz I'm like she's trippin TRIPPIN. She has felt some type of way before.. when she felt like someone was taking her place. And because of that I didn't talk to her for over a month, all because she was in her box o' feelings. I don't have time. PERIOD. We are grown. If you have an issue... please tell me so that we can communicate effectively and move tf on. What I'm mostly aggravated by is...I don't act like this, nor do my other friends. And its never that deep for you to hang up in my face.

The more and more I thought about this last nite...I was lowkey becoming livid. So, my petty side came into play and I blocked her number. I'm not finna entertain foolery...when clearly I don't even know what I did AND it was all good a couple of days ago. I'm never the type of person to get jealous over something like that. Maybe she's going thru something and is lashing out. Who freakin' knows but I don't have time....PERIOD.

Chile, please....🙄