AL

 Fall time is officially here. It's a brisk chilliness. Time to crank up the heat and dig out your favorite blankets. It's also the holiday time, which I  always dread. Anyway. Currently listening my Sade album while being in the cloud. Got me thinking about some ish. Yesterday I went to see my grandmother and it wasn't necessarily a pleasent visit. Lemme just say that my family dynamic has been abnormal for as long as I can remember. Until I was older, I never understood the demise towards her. Even myself had to stop speaking and visiting because of the mental and verbal abuse I was subjected to. Although she helped raised me, there has always been some type of meanness and anger in her heart...which trickled into her children and grandchildren. At some point I was hurt because my immediate family stopped calling and visiting my grandmother. I was like damn... no one cares about her well being enough to even check in? But, then I realized that I had to endure the abuse myself to fully understand. Anna Lara is the queen of talking shit, trying to help you out and then go off about not things her way. LOL. When I was younger she was my favorite person. I remember going along on her Avon runs, taking her spare change, sneak Burger King runs, and watching her stories with her. It was all good in my book. I never thought too much about her raising my mom until lately. The saying is true, "Parents do the best they can with what they're given." I saw that yesterday. She has bladder cancer. She is dying. She's looked the worst she ever has in life. To see her in and out consciousness was unreal. My matriach superhero is no longer invincible. For 88 years, she has been. Throughout strokes, heart attacks, triple bypass heart surgery, leg amputation, and all that's in between... she has been my 4'11 beast. I mean that in the most loving way. While I was sitting there processing what was going on... I was watching my mom tenderly combing my grandma's hair and holding her hand..with all the love in the world. 

It was a moment. I wish I could've witnessed more moments with heir true mother and daughter relationship. My mom is the baby and has always taken care of my grandmother. I'm 32 and feel like I will definitely be in that role with my mom. I'm the baby as well, and have often or been the helping hand. It's interesting to watch how life progresses and are often times generational cycles. Meanwhile, I've never dealt with death. I have had two major deaths in my life and I wasn't old enough to understand what was really going on or how to feel. The person that has had a pivotal roll in my life is now transitioning. I say I am processing, but it all feels surreal... like I'm in an alternate universe. To see my grandmother in and out of consciousness.... hurts. I feel numb. I don't think my natural feelings will come about until after she's gone. 

I'm sitting here thinking... I never hugged my grandma or said I love you. It was more of a progress report on life and how we need to get our act together. She is Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One minute she is as sweet as pie, and the next we ain't shit, never gon be shit, and we're ugly. I think she wanted the best for all of us, but didn't know how to show it without being an asshole. 

The strongest woman I know. I love you. You made Trice's Pieces the woman she is...through dysfuction and all. LOL. Say hi to Paw Paw and Lil Larry for me when you get here.