Whew…

Not even sure where to begin. My grandmother passed 2 weeks ago. Some days have been better than others, and other days have been miserable. I’m still in disbelief that she’s gone. I keep looking at her picture… thinking how could this be. Even though she had a lot of health problems throughout the years, I believed she lived a good life in her 89 years. This week my anxiety has been at an all time high. I’ve never dealt with death with someone so close to me. So I guess I’m doing ok considering the circumstance. Friday was the viewing and yesterday was the memorial. I won’t go into full details, but Friday was the ultimate shit show. I’ve never felt so much rage and so much anger against one person, that I wanted to bodily harm. That’s how I feel about my sibling. I’m more convinced now than ever that some people are just meant to be messy & live a miserable life. Although the viewing was a hot ass mess… the memorial was lovely. Only thing I didn’t care for was my family tryna be all fake (just certain ones). My friends came to support me & I’ll forever be grateful for that. Them showing up let me know that I am loved, supported, and acknowledged. Today… today is Mother’s Day…. and I’m feeling some type of way.  Moreso numb and disconnected I guess. I’m not really sure what to do with myself. I called my mom this morning to wish her a HMD. This is whole situation has me wanting to love on her more, cuz tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us. I just need to get back to some type of normalcy. I haven’t wanted to leave the house or be productive. Is this was grief feels like? Because it’s heavy,. Processing all of these emotions is… a lot. I’m just tryna cope the best way I can. 

love. all ways. always.