I digress...

It's crazy how in a matter of a week your whole mood can change. I have triggers. And, almost anything can set me off. It'll make me doubt everything that's going right in my life. I know & I'm still learning that mental health is no joke. Of course everyone goes through the "motions' or "feels some type of way" every once in awhile. But, when you feel like you can't shake it? I have bouts where I'm good for about 6 months or so and then depression will be hit me like a wave. You don't know or when it will come...it just does. Anxiety? I suffer heavily. My upper body tenses up and its painful. I'm unable to turn my brain off. I'm constantly worrying and overanalyzing. Most don't know how it feels to CONSTANTLY deal, cope or function with these issues.

Realistically, I think I've suffered with depression for about 10 years or so. I never acknowledged it, until the last 3 years. Can't lie...It's been beyond difficult. My 20s have been a doozy. My ultimate goal is to catch a break. Someone mentioned to me that I've been in survival mode for for the longest and I have yet to process everything I've been thru. My family house was foreclosed on when I was 19 while I was in college. In the process, my mom had gotten locked up, my dad disowned me. I came home and a made a drastic decision to move in with my aunt. She put out in a month (2007). I moved to Atlanta for about a year (2008). I couldn't get shit poppin, so I made another drastic decision, which was to join the military (2009). I came back home to Indianapolis to officially enlist. That was about 6 months. Got injured in bootcamp and they sent my ass packing. Came back home and lived with my grandma for almost 2 years. (2010). She got tired of me and said she wanted me out. I moved in with my sister and that was the worst decision ever. The environment was toxic and detrimental. That time was when I was heavily depressed and contemplating suicide. (2010-2011).

So, things came to a head when I found out my sister was moving. I decided to get my own place and luckily everything planned out. I was working part time, going to school full time, and enjoying my new peace. (2011-2013). After I graduated, I decided to start from scratch and apply to a couple universities to pursue my undergrad degree in Aviation Management. I got into a school that was an hr away. I was by myself. None of my family ever came to visit me and I was there 4 years. I just moved back home last year. While I was there I did my damnest of tryna make it thru. Moving twice. Working 2-3 jobs to pay off a semester so I could pay off my balance. BY 👏🏽 MYSELF👏🏽 (2013-2017). Unfortuantely, I was there for 4 years and still was unable to finish my degree.

I've always done my best to not complain with the hand I've been dealt. Because there are so many people in the world that are going thru worse shit. Although, I have strong shoulders...I'm worn down. For the most part, people think I have it handled because I keep alotta things to myself. But, in reality I've struggled for a long time. To feel like you're always alone shouldn't be a normal thing.

I was recently told that I have dysfunctional behavior and that I can be overwhelming negative. I thought, "ME? Nah, couldn't be." And, I was lightweight hurt. But, it's TRUE! idk how to be otherwise. It's almost as if I'm thinking the worst. I guess it's because I'm so used to things not going right; that even when I'm positive or hope for the best things still go south. So, it's kinda like...what's the point?

Being a fresh 30, I don't wanna continue this cycle of being depressed and anxious all the time. Or have an "oh, woah is me pity party". But, clearly just because you turn a new number doesn't mean shit will change. I'm still hurt. My demons are still plaguing me. I'm still heartbroken.

I don't like necessarily talking about my issues because...it seems like nowadays it's so cliché. but, shit is real and hard!!!!!!!! To continuously make moves for the better and things never pan out?!?!?! God, what are you trying to tell me?

Listen Linda, all I wanna do is find my peace. Jennifer Lewis said on her recent breakfast club interview that, "I used to look for the sun, NOW I am the sun." I feel that!!!!!!!!!! I'm not looking for any empathy cuz everyone has their own journey to experience. I just want to shake all of this negativity that's burdening me. And clearly its gonna take a helluva lot to do so...

But, I digress....