I've cried more tears within the last week more than I have in years. That in itself speaks volumes. I am emotionally, mentally & physically spent. I am hurt. I am tired of being tired. I am frustrated. I am depleted of everything. Everytime I think I am ok...I get blindsided by some bullshit.
I think years of holding shit in is FINALLY catching up with me. I am currently sitting in the library attempting to apply for jobs, but, I'm not in the right head space. All I can think about is how embarrassed I am...after having a major anxiety attack at work. I'm the type to never want people in my business unless I want you to be, I pretty much stay to myself. Even when I'm going through it, I put on a mask and push forward even when I don't know how. I'm not proud of that, but it's how I've conditioned myself over the years. I get tired, weak, weary, and I just keep going. Because in the moment all I can think about is how I am going to reach my goal.
Depression is rearing its ugly head. I feel it and I'm fighting it hard. I'm a fighter, I can't just succumb to sadness. Anxiety already has the best of me...I refuse to let anything else take me down. When you've been in survival mode for so long...specifically the last 10 years...all you know how to do is fight. I am in a really weird space. It seems as though God is really stirring up a ruckus in my spirit. My issues/problems that I haven't dealt with are coming out loud & proud. Lil bih, ain't nobody got time for this!!!!!!
In reality, it's time. It is time for me to unlearn all of my dysfunctional behavior, patterns, and destructive ways of coping with my problems. I'm functioning with depression & anxiety. I have been for years. I am scared. I don't know how or where to begin. All I know is that I'm exhausted of everything. I've been carrying a burden for entirely too long.
How do you become happy after being unhappy for so long? I understand happiness is a choice....but uh, I can't see it because I'm lost in a fog of my own madness. What's crazy is...I will whole heartedly admit that I'm a super cool, laid back, chill type of person. For those that don't REALLY don't know me...could never fathom me going thru all this shit internally. With that being said, I guess I put on a good facade. 🙃 I just want to be okay. I just wish I had someone's hand to hold in the process...💔
Everyone goes thru their own struggles. Everyone has their own paths & their own journey. Well this is mine and I'm well aware I'ma have to put in some major work. This life isn't meant to be saturated with sadness, constantly being worried or always overthinking shit.
Whoever reads this...please pray for me. Any encouragement or positivity is always welcome.
LOVE. always. all ways.
3 comments:
Yes love, for so long having to wear a mask, having to smile when when you want/need to cry, having to be social when you want to ball up and sleep, and all the while making sure no one sees a crack in the mask you've maliciously made and set place will catch up. How do I know...after probably having depression and anxiety since I was a little I said enough was enough and I started therapy. No I didnt want to but the thoughts and feelings were louder than my prayers.
Queen, sister, friend be ENCOURAGED I know you are tired but continue to push and fight!!! I will hold ya, be a ear, be should, we can ugly cry, eat whatever we need to do to NOT stop P.U.S.H.ing...I have more but I will talk to you
Humbly submitted,
Ainee' aka BIG Little Sis
Yes love, for so long having to wear a mask, having to smile when when you want/need to cry, having to be social when you want to ball up and sleep, and all the while making sure no one sees a crack in the mask you've maliciously made and set place will catch up. How do I know...after probably having depression and anxiety since I was a little I said enough was enough and I started therapy. No I didnt want to but the thoughts and feelings were louder than my prayers.
Queen, sister, friend be ENCOURAGED I know you are tired but continue to push and fight!!! I will hold ya, be a ear, be should, we can ugly cry, eat whatever we need to do to NOT stop P.U.S.H.ing...I have more but I will talk to you
Humbly submitted,
Ainee' aka BIG Little Sis
As I read I feel I reading through a glass mirror. The level of fight has it's on purpose...but start with forgiving self.... no embarrassment because tears clean the soul. You are more than a strong woman but but you are purposely a strong woman.
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