It Never Ends

Some days are better than others. And some days are just blah. Alotta things have changed the last couple of months, and some things have stayed the same. Although I'm feeling lighter these days...some things stay the same. Like a continuous cycle of whatever that may be. For me, it is finances, self doubt, and my health. You know my therapist often talks about creating new neuropaths for ourselves and leaving the old one behind. It's ridiculously hard. When all you've known the better part of your life is...dysfunction and being in purely survival mode.

I am beginning to understand that it is all in your mind. How do I train my mind to think/speak/believe good things? Deep down I want success, love, happiness, peace, and freedom. But, how can I obtain these things if all my brain knows is negativity? This is a hard transition. For example, all the time I think of how I need to start living a healthier lifestyle and going to the gym. Of course the benefits would be great. However, all I can think of is the all the food I'll be missing out on. It's the same with studying for my A&P (license to work on aircrafts). I've already failed miserably TWICE. I have no motivation to study or even entertain the idea of accomplishing this goal. Because somewhere deep inside of me I am self sabotaging...and it's something I can't shake.

Knowing good and well....I've invested so much time, energy and MONEY into a life decision. Yet, here I am...90% done with this goal but I don't have it in me to actually finish. I still can't figure out if this something that I REALLY don't want to do or if I'm just really afraid that I CAN actually succeed. Self sabotage at it's finest. To be honest, I think I am afraid because I've been struggling since I turned 19. With no one to push me...all I've ever had is myself. Sometimes that's not enough. There are so many thoughts of doubt in my head but I somehow have to overcome it.

My therapist basically told me I owe to myself to finish this task. I've given her all the reasons why I don't want to finish this goal. And, she's still not tryna hear it. 🙄 lol. So she wants me to create a new neuropath for myself. It is beyond difficult speaking and believing positivity into your life, when all you know is the bad. Could I possibly be this dense to somehow think that deep down, I don't deserve the good in life? The answer is yes.

I just begin with self and truly understand that I DO deserve all the great and amazing things life has go offer. So, I guess the first step is actually believing it. Next would be beating up my old toxic neuropath way of thinking. And after that going after my goals, knowing that I am capable of doing/accomplishing anything that I set out to do.
Sitting here typing this is a lot...but I think I needed to see this in real time so I can process.

I'm learning to celebrate all that we are and any small victory that comes our way. So the fact that I actually pulled out my study guide today and my old test papers speak volumes. Pray for me, while I continue to beat down my own dysfunctional patterns/behaviors and create new neuropaths for myself and allows me to see I am CAPABLE.