Windy.

Sitting here listening to SiR as the wind thrashes against my window. And as the sun is playing peekabo, I'm lost in my thoughts. I've been waiting a couple of days to process what has been going on in my life. And I still haven't quite wrapped my head around it. I'm not sure if I ever will. Questions have me coming to me non stop the last 3 days. Just when I thought my life was coming together, everything comes tumbling down in a matter of 5 mins. I'm lowkey annoyed with God to the point that I can't pray. Why would HE give me the greatest opportunity that I've been waiting years for AND then take it away in an instant? WHY?!?! It doesn't make sense, nor is it fair. I've been impatiently patient for my life to turn around. Well, at least to be in a good space and at least feel like I'm going in the right direction. This year has been beyond an emotional mental rollercoaster. Switching jobs, losing friends, gaining friends, working, healing, forgiving, contemplating suicide, sadness, depression, anxiety, frustration, being supportive, landing the greatest opportunity and then losing it within a 2 month time span. 2019 feels like a major blur. However, through it all... I am still standing. The greatest lesson I have learned this year is to literally take it day by day. That last sentence is the only thing that is getting me through at the moment. DAY BY DAY. I'm back to square one and idk where to go from here. Currently working on doing some soul searching to figure out what I want to do with my life. I know that I am officially over working meaningless jobs in general. One thing I have learned the last couple of days is that companies really don't give a fuck about you. AT ALL. Clearly I have to do something in the meantime to pay these bills. But the bigger question remains: What do I want to do that can make me money, keep me stable and allow me to be happy? *Kanye shrug* If I could just be a financially stable nomad that just travels and go to concerts, that would be living the dream but, unfortunately that's not my reality. Even though I can't pray at the moment, I just really wonder what God's plan is for me. Because every time something is going good and I'm able to take 5 steps forward, I get knocked back 20. As much as I want to sulk in the hurt and emotional/mental exhaustion... I can't. As much as I want to go back down this black hole of depression, I can't. I honestly thought this situation was going to emotionally and mentally rock me to the point that I wouldn't be able to bounce back. Clearly that's not true. I'm not gonna say that I'm in the best space at the moment, because I'm definitely not. At this point I just want stability. That's all I've been looking for the last 10 years of my life. I'm not opposed to working hard and grindin' it out. But, when does it end? I'll be 32 in about 6 months and I am terrified. Even though I am terrified, I guess now is the time for me to figure out what it is that I want to do with my life. As cliche as it may sound, I 'm beginning to see that its true. Maybe this is why God put me in the situation that HE did. I am beyond exhausted in every since of the word; but taking things day by day is my solution at the moment. I am still disappointed in myself and the situation at hand, but what what else can I do or say? It is officially the past as of 11/23. As much as I wanted this opportunity and for SWA to be the place for me; it wasn't. Man it sucks just thinking about it. I don't wanna tell my friends that shit didn't pan out because that's when the questions come and then you have to relive it all over again. Not only that, but you also have folks rooting for you and excited for you.  But, the real ones understand. They understand that things happen and as much as want things to go our way or work out; it doesn't always work out.

Let's just say God has a funny sense of humor. I have yet to find it but hey. LOL. One thing I can say about myself is I'ma always figure out how to 'go get it' regardless of the situation. On the flip side, I am VERY tired of having to go get it and figure it out. But, it is what it is. I'm still on the search of stability... I hope it comes sooner than later. When I think of things in a wider sense; I'm glad I worked on myself this year mentally and emotionally. I can actually allow myself to feel. Even though I feel like this is the end of the road for me, I know it's not. I actually see things for what they are and I'm not too pressed about the future. You know why? Because I have to continue taking things day by day. Please don't get it twisted because everyday isn't peaches and cream. It's still a struggle in every sense of the word but I suppose I am maintaining at the moment. Time waits for no one. It keeps going whether we want it to or not. If and when you read this, all I ask is that you pray for me.

LOVE.