In real life tho

In real life tho... (one of my favorite sayings)...

I’m struggling at the moment. My anxiety is kicking my ass. The balance between being in the present and being overly focused on the future is heavy on my mind. My mouth is dry, thoughts are every where, and I’m overthinking the scattered thoughts in my brain. Not sure if it’s from legit my anxiety or the 2 Pepsi’s I drank... or if it’s a combination of both. Some days are better than others, and other times it’s a moment like this. Lil Duval once tweeted to sum’n like, “People really like finding stuff to worry/stress about.” I think that’s true to a certain extent. I legit can’t help it. Even on medication... it’s a struggle. 

Pretty much all is well in my life... I honestly can not complain. On the flip side... I am overwhelmed mentally and emotionally. I’m doing my best not to let it take over. I keep telling myself to just breathe and think of other positive thoughts, I can’t. All that takes over is how exhausted/depleted of energy I am, how much I shouldn’t be sleeping, the to do list I need to make, the guilt of not staying for the constant overtime of my job, and how much I desperately want to just disappear for a while. In real life tho, none of this matters. Still gotta put on a somewhat happy smile and go about life. 

Some people say that I have a certain calm & peaceful energy about myself; which I can appreciate the sentiment. But, if they only knew the turmoil I go through internally on a daily basis. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I’ve always had anxiety. ALWAYS. However, as I’ve gotten older... it has become 10x worse. At times it almost feels paralyzing to my spirit... because I know it’s not normal. Le sigh.