Low & behold

I hate it when people say calm down and don’t overthink! How? HOW? questions that need answers. Today I realized that overthinking is definitely a form of self sabotage. And I do not know how to turn this off. Cuz once it starts, ain’t no going back. It’s scary. My mind constantly racing, as well as my heart. That happens and the most drastic decision happens, based on the situation going on. For me there is no gray area. Strictly black and white. There is no alternative or no ‘meeting halfway’ or compromise. My therapist told me once to entertain the gray. I did and it wasn’t too bad. But now I’m back to square one and it sux. At the moment I’m not sure how to confirm if it’s God’s voice or my ability to self sabotage. I honestly don’t know how to differentiate the two. My OG told me to pray about until God reveals what to do next. BUTTTTT, I don’t have the words to say. It’s extremely weird being in this place. I’m all for growth but this shit hurts. Growth… ( if you’re up for the challenge), is a doozy. So many things I’m learning & unlearning, unpacking my baggage while simultaneously being in a relationship. I legitimately feel crazy. Crazy because it seems like almost every two weeks, I’m in my thoughts or box o feelz. While fighting through not shutting down…. maybe God is tryna tell me sum’n. I am all over the place. But, I’m beginning to think I’m the problem. What I often feel seems/sounds valid, until I say it aloud or vent to someone. Then overthinking comes into play. Yes, you can tell me all day long to calm down or say, “It’s not that deep.” OH, but it is! Everything and I do mean EVERYTHING I feel is… INTENSE. I hate it. I hate that I can’t just let things roll off my back. I hate that after a conversation with someone, I think of all the things I said or shouldn’t say. I hate the fact that I always wonder what people think about me and it’s none of my concern. I hate the fact that I’m even writing these words at the moment. You see? So, it’s a lot… for me. Overthinking is not something I ever intended to do. It takes you towards a downward spiral that leads to even more severe anxiety and depression. Anxiety in itself is crippling, and add overthinking to the mix? Lordt have mercy. I’m doing my best to cope and take things day by day, but I can’t. My anxiety is overwhelming at the moment. I can recognize & acknowledge where I am in life… emotionally & mentally. I kinda feel like I’m drowning in my own misery and I’m the only person that can save me. As I’ve gotten older, I really see how your mental health can affect you. Dealing with depression, severe anxiety doesn’t define me and I’ll never let it. However, it’s definitely plays a major role in my life on the daily. I’m not claiming anything negative, letting the Devil have his way, or putting it into the universe. I’m stating FACTS. Despite me currently feeling like this… I am really proud of myself. Granted I’m still working on myself a lot, I’ve come a long way… and still a long way to go. I can’t wait to get my ass back in therapy. Hopefully REALLY REALLY soon. It helped me work out some issues within myself and other people. It’s that time again. I know what I deserve. And I know it starts with me. I know I can’t receive my blessings if I’m self sabotaging. God knows it too… that’s prolly why it’s so intense in my spirit. He be KNOWIN’. lol. I’m glad I got this off my chest. I feel just a tad bit lighter…

love. all ways. always.