Winter Blues

 

What does healing look like for you? I know it’s a journey, but damn! How long does it take?? I guess there’s no appropriate timeline. Right now I’m in a good space, but it’s slightly confusing. One minute I’m good, next minute I’m in my feelz. Contradictory, right? I’m legitimately on a tight rope right now tryna balance my emotions. I want someone to be happy vs terribly missing them vs saying 🖕🏽em. Ugh. I’m going back and forth in my mind about the decisions I made. I can’t necessarily be upset because I did it to myself. Like I tell everyone… when I’m in, I’M ALL IN. 

I’m going to make sure my person is taken care of. I’m making sure they’re happy. Their mental health is good. And I’m definitely buying them stuff just because. Yes, I’m THAT person. But, with me doing all this… where does that leave me? I’m being taken care of too, but now how I need to. Not only that, but I’m not taking care of myself properly. I put myself on the back burner. I honestly don’t know how to balance it out. I guess I’m learning as I go. 

The healing journey isn’t a joke. I’ll just be glad when I can stop thinking about them non stop. I only say that because I know that they’re not thinking about me. 

The petty in me really wants everything back that I purchased. Nah like forreal, I ain’t realize how much I went crazy on gifts until I really start thinking about it. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Even in the midst of it, I’m not that damn petty. God didn’t make me to be miserable, bitter, or resentful. That’s why I’m probably always the bigger person. It just sucks that everything I’m working on, I don’t need to necessarily share. Until falling in love, I thought you could be friends with an ex. Which has worked out in the past. But when you love someone deeply, you can’t just turn that shit off. I had to make a conscious decision to cut all ties. Why? Too invested, it’s still fresh, and I’m still hurt. 🥺 now that definitely sucks… because I cut off my best friend. With whom I want to share all my good news with, but I can’t. 

Everything is just different. Going on 5 months and it’s gotten just a smidge bit easier. I’m not looking forward to getting to know someone new. Who tf wants to figure out what your favorite color is, what show you binge watch, what kind of music you like? The answer is: NO ONE. The dating scene is trash. TRASH. The next thing I’m wondering is if I’ll be able to open my heart up again and willing to be vulnerable. Cuz baby… that vulnerability is lowkey soul crushing. I had to learn how to be soft. I had to learn how to let my guards down. I have a humongous heart and I want to love on everyone. But for the next person? It’s gonna take some time. I feel like I don’t have it in me to love someone unconditionally again. However, I know that’s not true. God working on me and I know he didn’t give me this heart and spirit for no reason. It just sucks that who I gave it to, didn’t understand the magnitude of my love. We all deserve love in any capacity we need it in. Just make sure you love yourself more than anyone could. And you know what? Sometimes it takes longer to step away from a situation or circumstance…  in the end, we leave because whoever or whatever no longer services us. It’s more of a disservice. 

We all make decisions. Make the decision to be unapologetic about what you need and desire. And if you don’t get it? Chuck up the peace sign. Trust and believe, it ain’t easy. But when you love yourself and you know you’re the shit? (with or without anyone telling you). We can move accordingly and go on about our lives. Life is already complicated enough. No point in being unhappy when YOU can make the executive decision to change it. In the meantime, I’m still healing. I’m learning that it’s okay to still hurt but just don’t stay in the pain. We go day by day. And as we go day by day, it gets a little easier.