Aim To Please

The new year is upon us. I haven't really thought about it that much. But, now that December is rapidly approaching, I can't help to think about it. I have been 30 for 6 months. I am still embracing and leaving all the mistakes I made in my 20s in the past. I am now focusing on this new chapter.

Who am I becoming? What do I want for myself? How do I accomplish goals that seem so daunting? I'm tryna sort thru all these emotions and questions that plague my mind daily. I'm still searching for my happy. What does happiness look like for me?

Tonite my therapist asked me what my 5 year plan was. I started to give her a clichè answer. I began to tell her the typical answers... like potentially having a baby, getting married, being happy. Then I paused...

I thought about it briefly and was like I really don't know. I told her that everytime I plan something...it NEVER works out. It's almost as if I'm attempting to play a trick on God. I also told her that I've learned that planning doesn't necessarily turn out how you want it to. And, I've had to learn the hard way. An easier method for me is to take things day by day. That seems to work better for me. I was once told that the future as we know, doesn't really exist and all we have is the now. I agree with that to a certain extent.

It lowkey takes the pressure off of me to have everything figured out. I think at the tender age of 30, I'm understanding and figuring out what it is that I TRULY want for myself. Because all selfish as this sounds...it is all about SELF. I have no kids. No spouse/significant other. Just me. I'm okay with that.

My future seems a little bit brighter when I take those expectations off myself and open up to possibilities/opportunities that I didnt think were obtainable before. My future looks different than what I thought it should be....just from a couple of years ago. I am OK with the now.

i am learning to be unapologetically myself. which for some, is a life long journey. it feels like 30 is just the beginning. I am in the beginning stages of becoming the greater version of myself. scary? yes. necessary? hell yes. but...when we know better, we do better...

love. always. all ways.