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I’m not sure what time I went to sleep and turned the tv off. I just know that I’ve been crying off and on all day. It’s currently raining and my mood is beyond bleak. I’ve had myself wrapped up in a comforter all day on the couch. I’m still not in the space to necessarily talk to anyone, but I have been texting and attempting to reach out. I guessed what I realized is true about myself. I havea really intense energy about myself. And those that are close to me and who know me well, KNOW something is off and not right. It hurts because I can no longer put on this facade. If anything, I am a fighter. But... I —— I’m so exhausted. So tired. When I was in Terra Haute, I was severely depressed for months and no one knew except for my boyfriend at the time. He was my only support system. So I could easily put on a mask and pretend everything was okay; because no one was around me or checking on me like that. Now that I’ve moved home... it’s the total opposite and it’s scary. I have people blowing up my phone, stopping by my house knocking on my door relentlessly because I’m not answering and everything else that’s in between. It’s scary. It’s scary someone loves me this much. It’s scary that someone can feel my energy or spirit that much that they have the need to check on me. I also think because I’m older now, I definitely can fake the funk how I used to. 

I have been depressed for YEARS. I think this is the worst that it’s ever been. You know some days are better than others. But lately, I just... don’twanna deal with anything or anyone. I have had suicidal thoughts before, but it was mainly because of the environment I was in when I was livingwith my sister. Now... I understand why someone could so easily take their own life. My thought process is.. I don’t know what to do or where to go. I just wanna eliminate all the pain, agony, misery, frustration, hurt, and confusion. To be honest, I’m 50/50 with it. I don’t actually have the courage to do anything to myself. It just sounds like an easy solution for the time being. I’m not necessarily thinking about who I’d be hurting, who I’dbe leaving behind, etc. So with that... my second thought process is... “well, what good am I doing for people? Why do they love me in the first place? I don’t really matter. I’d be better off gone.” 

All of these thought go through my head often. I’m not thinking of anyone else’s pain, except my own. I just wanna stop all the hurt and all the sadness that I’ve been feeling for years. I’m a mess. And all I can keep thinking is I’m depleted andexhausted... what else do I have left to give? Cuz my spirit is empty and so is my being.

7:17pm