Different eyes.

Happiness. We all strive for peace, love, and happiness. To be real, I don’t think I’ve ever been happy. I’ve had ‘happy’ moments and experiences. I may have even at one point been a happy child. But going thru my teenage years up until now... I haven’t been happy. Life often times plague me. I self sabotage. I overthink. I over analyze. I panic. It is never my intention to do these things. But, it is what it is. The last 6 months I have grown drastically. A lot of forgiveness, healing, and evolving has happened. That in itself is a blessing. In this moment, I feel how I did in 2011. I am frustrated. I am tired of being in survival mode. I am anxious. I am overwhelmed. I woke up this morning from a not so great sleep. As I was getting up and began to get ready for work. I looked in the mirror and I saw nothing but sadness on my face and in my eyes. I began to break down in massive tears. I triggered my own self. Still getting ready and looked in the mirror again, and busted out the ugly cry... yet again. I headed to work feeling some type of way. Everyone keeps asking if I’m ok... and I just give em the slow head nod or say, “I’m just tired.”

I text my sis something that I should never ever say. She called me 3 mins after that. I quickly walked to the bathroom & as she’s talking, I break down in the ugly cry yet again. Can’t say I necessarily felt better after the brief convo. I just wanted to stay in the bathroom and keep crying. My eyes have been heavy all day.

I vowed to never get this low or get to this point in life again. Yet, here I am. I have no obligations, except for myself. I sometimes wonder why people are friends with me, why they like me, or what it is that I bring to their life. Would it even matter if I left this world? In reality, I am terrified to die. But, idk what else to do with myself. 

I’ve always said that I know that God has a purpose for me that’s bigger and better than anything I’ve ever seen. However, idk what my purpose is. Idk how to go about finding it. Maybe God is allowing me to hit rock bottom first. It hurts me to even type these words out. I’m just... tired. Ironically, and esp as of lately people have told me that my eyes look different. I guess it’s because I can no longer put on the facade that I am ok.  I’m not. I haven’t had this feeling in 8 years. I never wanted to come back to this mind state. I’ve been fighting this mental state for almost the past month. But, this morning it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am officially numb. 

On my way to work this morning I slightly thought about running my car into the guard rail. I just wanna go to sleep and don’t wake up. I’m not sure if I actually mean these words at the moment... but just know I’m in a fog that I can’t get out of. I did manage to say a prayer this morning before I walked into work but I still feel the same.

Is the universe tryna tell me something? Does the devil have me under attack? Is this God’s way of pulling me closer to him? Cuz at this point... I don’t really believe my life will get better. It feels like a never ending cycle of the same shit. I just... don’t know anymore.