CJ

I’m at work and my job for the night is beyond repetitive; and with that being said I’m lost in my thoughts. I was thinking about my relationship with both of my parents and how they have shaped me, whether good or bad. My thoughts primarily were geared towards my mother. She’s been through a lot and seen a lot. I love her to death, she drives me crazy, and I’m somehow just like her but totally different. I have a 50/50 mixture of both of my parents personality. Thinking of how she raised me, how big my heart is, and the resilience she has... I get from her. I understand that parent’s often do the best they can with what they’re given. I’m pretty sure she sheltered me because my sister was a wild child. lol. At 31, I can say I was definitely sheltered and didn’t find out a lot about life until adulthood., which caused me to find out things the hard way and be a later bloomer. This morning I’m thinking about how she wasn’t that present or emotionally/mentally available for me the last 10 years. I remember going months without talking to her... I didn’t wanna be bothered. Because sometimes if not often, I equate her to dysfunction and my spirit wants no parts because it is draining, as well as emotionally taxing. I still kinda feel the same but I’m old enough to understand it better. I remember one year... I was so hurt by the holidays. I talked to one of ‘mentors’ and telling her I wish that my mom was around more. And she simply replied, “Do you think that her presence would really be beneficial to you at this point?” In that moment it hit me... that it wouldn’t. It just made me incredibly sad that was my reality. Luckily around this time, my dad had start stepping up to the plate in all aspects. Financially, mentally, and emotionally. I’m so thankful that he did. Because looking back, I needed him more than I could have ever imagined. For her, I’ll always be ‘big girl’ lol. And even now I still have to respectfully check and remind her that I’m a BIG 31 years of age outchea in these streets. Although I wish I could confide in her more without thinking the worst of what she’ll say and the potential judgement that will go along with it. I really wish I had a healthier relationship with her and with my sister too. But, it won’t happen. Not because I’m being mean or anything but it’s my reality and I accept it. I’ve found out a lot on my own. Some I’ve learned the hard way. 

I am def the opposite of my family. Like polar opposite. I subscribe to peace, love, and healing... not constant drama, misery, and dysfunction. I’ll always feel some type of way about it. In the meantime I’m doing my best to break generational curses. The goal is to be better and do better in all capacities in my life. I recently made a major executive decision. I’m keeping it to myself and a select few. It is what it is. I wish I could disclose it to my family without thinking they would potentially have an ulterior motive. *Kanye shrug* 

However, I should thank God more often than I do. Because I really have a big heart and I’ll do almost anything for people I care about. I only do for those that will reciprocate the same energy. I wish I could do the same for my family... mainly my mom and sister but it won’t happen cuz they’ll take advantage, whether they mean to or not. Fucked up, right? I know. Stability is all I’ve ever wanted since I can remember. Even tho it’s sad I feel like this... all I can worry about it is me. And pray they get it together before it’s too late. I know I’m a great person. I have my mom’s great qualities, as well as the bad ones. I am her daughter. Lol. Someone told me once to not judge her, but just let her be. With that being said... I’m still working and healing on myself. I guess a part of me is doing it for her too. Nonetheless, that’s my heart and my headache, but I’m just tryna be better. That’s what she wants for me anyway. I love her for that. 

It’s love. All ways. Always.