Lemonade

I should definitely be asleep because I have to work tonite. But, unfortunately I’m wide awake and hungry. Just laying in bed but I decided to go to my ‘vibe room’. Playing one of my favorite albums by SiR. As always I have epiphanies. Alotta people know my family is pure dysfunctional. Many years ago I made the decision to just not be bothered and to stay in my lane. Life is much easier when you choose to put yourself first. And while it is easier, many would say it is selfish. 

Is it wrong of me to not wanna be bothered? Is it wrong of me to not wanna be involved with foolishness and chaos? Is it wrong of me to not wanna be wrapped in negativity? Just because they’re so-called ‘family’.... 

I know I’m not too good because they’re a part of me. I am them. They helped raised me. Sometimes I feel like I have put myself in the ‘too good’ lane subconsciously. I hopped on social media to see that my sister has been released from jail. And I’m just like oh she’s out after a couple of months. Realistically she needs to be in there and stay longer than 2-3 months. But I know her kids need her. If anything I feel bad for them because they haven’t had stability in some years. It’s always some drama going on with their mama. 

I’m not too good. But I have no desire to deal with family. I legit feel guilty. I guess that’s because many years ago... I decided to put myself and my peace FIRST. I worry about me and me only. Everyone has their own shit they have to deal with. I guess this is mine. 🤷🏽‍♀️ I want better for myself. I wish they did too. We all have to deal with life and the cards we’re left to play. I may not have the best cards, nor the best odds. However... I’m doing my damnest to win the game. If I don’t win.... just know I’ll have a helluva comeback. 

love. all ways. always.