Fox’n It

It’s 3 days into the new year. What I have accomplished this far? Not a damn thing. Being off from work has me looking like a confused fox. Not sure what to do. l was literally in bed all day. Only moved to use the bathroom and check the mail. Then my back decided that it wanted to start hurting. - side note: I don’t appreciate random parts of my body hurting just cuz…especially at 33. 🙄

Anyway. I’ve been in my head a lot. Doing my best to not think about last year and all that’s happened to me and around me. Missing my granny heavily… I keep looking at her picture. Wishing I could pop up on her one more time or talk to her. It honestly feels like my life is empty or I’m lacking. Between the holiday season just ending, being single (by choice), and just overall wondering the next phase of my life will bring. Not gonna lie, I miss my ex. He was my best friend. I feel a massive void. I’m pretty sure it’s a delayed reaction. When I first ended things… I felt super strong and empowered. Proud that I was able to put myself first and stand true to my wants, needs, and desires. And now? I’m still all of those things. But, all I can think about is the time invested, our conversations, and just having someone constantly there. It fucking sucks. Even though, it hits different… I know I made the best decision for me. I know it hit me differently because of the holidays and I’m sooooo glad it’s over. Tbh, I gotta get back to me. I put him first for the majority of our relationship. As much as I want to entertain hoes and be reckless out here in these streets… that life ain’t meant for me. I’m honest to say that. 

So it’s time for discipline and sacrifice. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I mean, we’re all insane to a certain extent but something has to give. 

A part of me is afraid. Afraid of success. Afraid to break out of this generational curse of struggling. Afraid to be the person that’s destined for greatness. You can tell me all day long not to be afraid, but, I’m human.. 

I guess it’s time to put up or shut up. I’m the type of person where if I think about something too long I won’t do it. So I just gotta tap in… all aspects of my life. I’m too dope of person to settle for anything mediocre. However, with that comes a fine balance. Gotta give yourself time and grace. Another reason I’m afraid is because I feel like I’m running out of time. I know that’s far from the truth, but I’m 33… I was just 25. 😩 regardless I gotta figure it out and not let my past dictate my future. Easier said than done…

love. all ways. always.