Gimme Room

Loner life. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been to myself and by myself. I’m not sure what that reason is. I do remember not having too many friends & definitely being socially awkward for the majority of my childhood up until about 10 years ago. I’ve always been quiet and shy. Never said what was on my mind until I got in my 30s. I often wish I would’ve stood up for myself more. But, it’s cool. Because now I’m at the age that I am… idgaf and I’ll just wish you a blessed/prosperous life, and go about my way. 🤷🏽‍♀️ what’s crazy is… I think my loner and introvert ways are partially because I was a latch key kid. 

When your mom has to work and doesn’t have a baby sitter? The protocol is: don’t answer the door, call me at work if it’s an emergency, and there’s food in the fridge. And when I come home yo chores better be done or you’re on punishment. It was really easy to follow the protocol. But in hindsight, that’s probably a reason why I have severe anxiety now. I’ve always had a worried/stressed nature about myself. Lol. Waiting for your parent to get home, you’re by yourself, and it’s dark as hell outside? My  inner child is cringing at the thought.. 

As an adult, I’ve tapped into the latch key kid theory. I don’t deal with a lot of ppl. I don’t answer the door unless invited. I choose who and what is allowed in my space. Growing up, my sister always had me as her tagalong. My mama made sure of it. Being 8 years older than me had it’s perks. But once she became 21+, it was a wrap. She was out here doing hoodrat shenanigans, while I was tryna figure out how to be a socially awkward teenager. Once she left the house, my mom was always at work and my grandma at home watching her stories… all I had was loneliness, SpongeBob and 106 & Park. (Real ones know 🤞🏽). In hindsight and without being in therapy, I’ve realized that part of my life has affected me. 

I’m so used to being alone, that it’s crazy. So for me to wanna kick it with you, your energy has to make me wanna be around you: BECAUSE my peace is everything. It’s probably the reason that I get easily annoyed when I do get visitors. In my mind: I’m thinking, damn when are you going home? 😒🥴😂 I’d rather be alone in peace than be surrounded by constant chaos and drama. It has also affected my relationships as well. I have to really like/love you to be in my space, especially a long time if it’s a long time. 

Constant time by yourself lowkey makes you a “no none sense” type of individual. You’re ready to tell a mofo how you feel and how they got you fucked up. You know why? Because you don’t need them! You’re good by your damn self. But then again, it’s lonely sometimes. However, you got options baby! 

For the bulk of my adulthood, I didn’t understand folks that constantly had to be in someone’s face or always have someone around them. Then it dawned on me… everyone is different. I can go out to eat, go to the movies, a concert or just chill at home by my damn self. 

Idk anything else other than my introvert ways. That’s possibly because there hasn’t been alotta folks that have constantly been around me. In my life, yes. But in my personal space, no. 

If I miss you or you’re on my mind super heavy… I have no problem pulling up vice versus. Especially now that everything is so crazy. I don’t get to see people or spend time. I blame it on the pandemic, being an introvert, and working all the time. 

I wouldn’t say that alone time is necessarily a bad thing. For me, it works. It works for my peace of mind, sanity, and all the things that come with life, while you’re tryna find yourself. S/o to all the latch key kids! Let us remember how the 90s were poppin and we are officially getting old.